Guess who's the biggest faggot in the world?

As I left work last night I crossed paths with a couple of construction workers. They were carrying Makita tool boxes. I was carrying a bag of cupcakes from a bakery called Lulu's. They stopped and let me cross in front of them. "Ladies first," I imagined their internal monologues to be saying. Followed by "there goes the biggest faggot in the world." 

And they were right. I hate being such a pussy.  

Not too cupcakey. 

I'll rip out your asshole and fist it right in front of you, dickweed.

If I open a door for you, you'd better fucking thank me you fucking selfish fucking dick or cunt. 

No, I'm not a frequent and respected contributor to the Emily Post Institute.  

Hey Spanish Johnny, I see your disturbing 18 kids story and raise you one.

This is one of the most fucked up things I have ever seen. And I have seen some fucked up shit (my mom's boyfriend's Asian cock to name just one) in my life.

(Is that Sigourney Weaver??)

Those kids, sadly, are not unlike most kids in America today. The difference is, those kids are literally sucking on mommy's swollen, nasty tit whereas the majority of American kids today are only doing it metaphorically. I see moms (and dads) whip out the metaphorical tit all the time to calm their nasty little fuckwads down. A tantrum needs to be dealt with swiftly and deftly and violently. Don't placate the little bastards because it makes your life easier, people. Do what the elders did, "You're eating the broccoli or you're going to bed hungry." Not "you don't like broccoli? Okay, I'm sorry I gave that to you, honey. Try some chicken fingers instead, okay?" All parents are losers. End of story. Merry Christmas.







Not too engorged with milk and latent Oedipal issues.

Nothing would please me more than to see you beheaded.

Honestly, how fucking lazy are you? You can't brush the snow off of your car before you head out on the road? What's the matter with you, you rude, inconsiderate nipplabianus? Do you even wipe your ass? I doubt it. I mean why must I endure what amounts to another snowstorm caused by all the shit comming off of your roof because you couldn't muster up the strength to sweep a broom over your car? Holy fuck you are lazy. I really hope your car slides off the road and you and your whole family are beheaded, you fucking cuntitaint.  

No,  I spent a lot on that photo. 

STOP THE PRESSES: Ashlee Simpson enjoys anal sex.

This and other illuminating tidbits came from a fascinating interview with her husband, Pete Wentz, on the Howard Stern show this morning. Pete Wentz, a man I had previously said deserved to have been aborted, is now someone I actually respect. And not just because he spoke of his little princess wife liking anal. No, it's more than that. He came off as a pretty cool guy. That's the absolute genius of Howard Stern. He is hands-down the greatest interviewer in the world. He can "humanize" any celebrity by simply getting them to talk about themselves in a real, unguarded way. Much to the horror of their publicists I'm sure. In other words, he doesn't just ask "so, how are Ashlee and the new baby" like a fucking Entertainment Tonight "reporter." No, instead he phrases it like (and I'm paraphrasing here), "so now you've got the kid, you're gonna have to make her a sexual object again instead of a mom. I mean, once you've seen that vagina with all the blood and the shit..." And then leaves it in the interviewee's hands to complete the thought. Pete's answer to this, by the way, was that Ashlee still is a sexual being. She blows him and gives him hand-jobs but the vagina is still off limits. It's only been two weeks, after all. Pete also said that somewhere in his mind, he's thought about banging both Jessica and Ashlee at the same time but he can't really go there in his head because Jessica is a lot like a sister to him. What a homo. Although, I can't really call him that. This guy has fucked many a hot Hollywood starlet, including Lindsay Lohan. But back to Ahslee loving anal (no, Spanish Johnny doesn't own that movie). When a listener called in to ask Pete if he and Ashlee had done it in "the bad place (no, I don't own that movie), he said "she likes me to be happy." That's not a no, it is an unspoken yes. Good for him. Good for her. Great for fucking Howard Stern; the greatest entertainer of all-time. After Bruce Springsteen. 

No, my doctor didn't give me anal last February. 

Don't read this unless you want to feel the same way my mother feels about me all the time; disappointed.

Jury duty wasn't that bad. In fact,  I think it's something everyone should do at least once in their life. 

That being said, I did make some observations. I wrote these on my laptop in the deliberation room so they kinda read like notes (except for the opening paragraph, that I wrote mostly the day after the trial had ended). I was gonna fill them out later but after the trial was over I didn't have the heart. So what you're getting here is the raw material. Oooooh, edgy. Yeah,  I'm the Lou Reed of blogging. Anyway, here they are: 

Uggh. Fucking jury duty. I got my notice to serve back in March of this year. Though it may have been April. Either way, the formal invitation had asked me to come in to the Worcester Superior Court the first week of August for my service. Fuck that. I immediately put in for a stay of execution, if you will. Sure enough, come September, I received a new notification informing me that the first day of December I absolutely HAD to be in the jury pool (sounds so fun, doesn’t it? A jury pool. Yay, let’s all get in, splash around and pretend we’re not peeing next to each other. Look for this and other witticisms in my new book “Nobes does Jay Leno style humor”). Fascinating story so far, huh? Well I merely wanted to give those who have never had the pleasure of sitting in a jury box listening to witness testimony a little taste of what it is like. Actually, it’s not the courtroom that is so boring. It’s the jury deliberation room. Sure, watching a witness talk for 2 hours about the difference between a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) and a Stroke can be, well, mind-numbing (no, stroke humor isn’t too obscure and classy. Particularly when you’ve been staring at a stroke victim and his unfortunate family for 10 days.) And that takes me to my point. I thought I would find wealth of material in my time as a juror. But I didn’t. In fact, I think I lost my entire sense of humor. The case was horribly sad. And the jurors were all very decent people. Did I have issues with them? Certainly. Did they annoy the shit out of me? Definitely. But in the end, I came to respect them all (even the fucking retarded ones) and it left me with the exact opposite feeling of what I had written down on my first day of duty, which was “humanity sucks.”  

Notes from the jury pool: the very first day of jury duty. Like 20 minutes into it. It is I who judge thee. 

THE JURY:

Fat silent guy
Tall freak nice guy
Nice, rich cunt w/ Burberry bag
Bearded weirdo intellectual douche
Fat geek
Smokey the smokestack
Old not-so-innocent-but-trying-to-be woman (nosey but sweet)
Old not-so-funny-but-desperately-trying-to-be man
Middle aged mellow blue-collar guy
Unhealthy smelly old man
Redneck and proud of it, dumb but nice guy
Complaining mom bitch who has to let you know she had kids and how hard it is every 5 seconds.
Judgmental asshole that thinks he’s better than everyone. (that would be me)

And these were random observations I made during the 10-day stint: 

Cunt playing her music too loud on ipod. Sitting here in deliberation room waiting for rest of jurors. Me and one other guy in here. Other than her retarded music (country, of course) the room is silent. I hope she has a stroke from the music.

Blowing nose in otherwise quiet room. Who the fuck does this? Now she’s blowing her nose in here. Again, a perfectly quiet room and she blows her nose, allowing us the hear every drop of salty snot that comes from her rodent-like nose. She sickens me. 

Farting in court behind me. Unconscionable. This 50-60 year old fuckwad sitting behind me is farting uncontrollably in the court room. I’m listening to testimony from a woman who has essentially lost her husband to a stroke and I’m mentally forced out of the situation to contemplate this guy’s fart. Unreal. What a filthy fucking animal.

Shitting in the quiet deliberation room. Yes someone actually took a shit in the jury deliberation room toilets while the rest of us waited in silence only a few feet away. We could hear (and smell) everything. The guy came out with no shame whatsoever. How bizarre.

Woman juror: “my son asked me yesterday 'what if the hokey pokey really IS what it’s all about?'"  Ha-ha-ha!!!! Isn’t that cute? She’s telling this story to strangers because strangers, by and large, are polite and will laugh to make her feel more comfortable. Even I would laugh if she were telling me this directly, but I’m off in the corner silently judging people so I don’t have to laugh. Still, I think mothers love to sit and swap stories about their fucking kids but they never really listen to one another. As one speaks the other is thinking of her next story to top the previous one. Either that or she’s waiting for the millisecond gap of silence with which she can interrupt and then tell her “well MY oldest did something the other day you wouldn’t believe…” story. And that’s exactly what happens next. The woman “listening” to this amazing story bursts in with her own tale. It begins: “Well I just taught my 8 year-old how to do the laundry. She doesn’t even complain. She wants to learn.” Brav-fucking-o, I think. Relax, lady. What a little miracle that kid is, huh? Who FUCKING CARES? No one, so shut your fucking hole, bitch.

I’ve also noticed that the same goes for people and their hardships. They trade hardship stories like stories about their kids. It’s the same mentality. Everyone is just so desperate to have everyone else in the world know how difficult their life is. Or, more importantly, how much more difficult their life is than yours. Again, no one cares so shut the fuck up. Live your life the best you can and leave everyone else out of it. Well, leave me out of it at the very least.

No, I still enjoy blogging. 

Now Judge, I know this is gonna sound kinda wild, but...

Good morning, faggots. Just wanted to let you know that I apologize for being absent for so long from my beloved blog. I know you can hardly start your pathetic days without my vitriolic prose. Well you're gonna have to wait a little longer. I am currently on jury duty and in a trial. In fucking Worcester, MA. And this town is 100% guilty of being a shithole. Just awful. When the trial is over (Thursday or Friday) I will tell you all about my wonderful time here in the stinking asshole of America. Until then, I thank you for your patience.  

No, I'm sure anyone other than Spanish Johnny understood that Bruce reference in my headline. No, Spanish Johnny isn't the only person who reads this blog anyway. No, Bruce-related humor isn't the highest form of humor that can be achieved by mortals. 

The first in a series of astounding Bruce shows for your enjoyment.

From a radio broadcast in 1978. Download it right here now. You will not regret it. And maybe it will help you understand, you fucking moron. 

The Same Old Played Out Scenes 

The Fox Theater, Atlanta , Georgia
September 30, 1978

Disc 1
1. Introduction
2. Good Rocking Tonight
3. Badlands
4. Spirit In The Night
5. Darkness On The Edge Of Town
6. Independence Day
7. The Promised Land
8. Prove It All Night
9. Racing In The Street
10. Thunder Road
11. Jungleland

Disc 2
1. Introduction
2. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
3. Night Train
4. Fire
5. Candy's Room
6. Because The Night
7. Point Blank
8. Not Fade Away / Gloria / She's The One
9. Backstreets

Disc 3
1. Rosalita (Come Out Tonight)
2. Born To Run
3. Tenth Avenue Freeze Out
4. Devil With The Blue Dress Medley
5. Raise Your Hand

Not too angry with you for not downloading this already. 

Are you fucking stupid?

If you are -and let's admit right now that that's pretty likely- then you haven't come to realize that this man is as close to a God that this world has ever seen. 

Need more evidence, you cunt-lipped moron?  

What? You need even more proof? Holy fuck are you retarded. 

Wow. I am astounded by your dumb-fuckedness. Here's one last piece of proof. A piece de resistance, if you will. (No, that Bruce-related joke will make sense to anyone other than Spanish Johnny). It doesn't get any better than this. Enjoy, you stupid bastards.





No, I know how to win over people in a thoughtful and intelligent way. 

Fuck you all!

Have a shitty Thanksgiving. 

Fucking no-comment-making-motherfuckers. 

You think I do this for my health? 

Fuck you. 

And fuck you too, Spanish Johnny.

No, I don't have too much "asshole art" hanging on my walls at home. 

Jesus fucking Christ on a cross is this unfunny.

I was directed to a "Christian humor" website by the swarthy, talented and huge-cocked Spanish Johnny. I will share one of my findings with you now. But first let me just say that I totally understand that my humor is not suited for everyone. Duh. But that's the difference between evangelists/hypochrists/christians and me. Not only do they know their religion is the only one for everyone but they think their fucking gay-ass, dumb-as-fuck humor is too. 

Check out this ridiculously unfunny whore's little song about motherhood (no, not the new MILF Ghetto porno by the same name, but, rather, the actual act of mothering) . The woman who posted it on the Christian humor website says "If you've not seen this video by Anita Renfroe of what a mom says in a day, get the kleenex because you'll be laughing until tears form. It's hilarious and sooo true" Note the annoying amount of Os in "sooo". Also note that either she spelled the woman's name wrong. Oh yeah wow she must really love her stuff. I cannot believe "Anita Renfroe" or "Anna Roefrend"  gets a standing ovation for this piece of shit. 

Ummm, what's with the lyric sheet coming in and obstructing the view at the end? Was that when she flashed her saggy mom tits? 

Not too going to hell.

"My fucking vagina is so much bigger than yours."

That's what I wanted to say to this uptight, pursed-lipped, tiny woman on the elevator today. 

But I didn't. 

Faggot.

Not too worthy of my own HBO special. 

August 10th, 1977. Young Nobes poses with Dad's girlfriends

Not too avoiding the real pain of having such a screwed up childhood. 

I pour my heart out and get no comments?

You can all go fuck yourselves. 

Dicks. 

Hmmm, I wonder where my anger comes from? 

Not too desperate for acceptance. 

"Why thank you for the generous offer, dear Sir, but I am afraid I must respectfully decline."

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A special post just for Spanish Johnny

Not the most awesome Jackson album cover of all-time. 

Thank fucking God.

Now maybe that loser whore , Sarah Palin, will be so desperate for attention she'll have to pose for Playboy or Penthouse. 

Oh and also, thank God that Obama was elected. My faith in this country is restored. I'm sure everything from here on out will be all right. Or should I say dyn-o-mite!!!!! (take it easy, you sensitive pussies, you know where I stand with Obama. I voted for him and I'm fucking stoked as fuck that he's our President Elect.) 

Not too up your ass, evangelical dicks!!

Yeah, It's called my fucking childhood

Scientists Identify Brain's 'Hate Circuit'

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WEDNESDAY, Oct. 29 (HealthDay News) -- British researchers say they've identified a "hate circuit" in the brain. This hate circuit shares part of the brain associated with aggression, but is distinct from areas related to emotions such as fear, threat, and danger, said researchers Professor Semir Zeki and John Romaya, of University College London's laboratory of neurobiology. The study was published online Oct. 29 in the journal PLoS One.

"Hate is often considered to be an evil passion that should, in a better world, be tamed, controlled, and eradicated," Zeki said in a journal news release. "Yet to the biologist, hate is a passion that is of equal interest to love. Like love, it is often seemingly irrational and can lead individuals to heroic and evil deeds. How can two opposite sentiments lead to the same behavior?"
In this study, 17 female and male volunteers underwent brain scans while they looked at photos of a person they hated, along with photos of a "neutral" person. Looking at images of hated people triggered activity in an area that includes structures in the cortex and in the sub-cortex as well as components that generate aggressive behavior and translate it into action.
The hate circuit also includes a part of the frontal cortex that's believed to play a major role in predicting the actions of others, likely an important feature when a person is faced with someone they hate, the researchers said.
The sub-cortical activity of the hate circuit involves two structures called the putamen and insula. The putamen plays a role in the perception of contempt and disgust, and may be part of the motor system that's mobilized to take action, the scientists said.
"Significantly, the putamen and insula are also both activated by romantic love. This is not surprising. The putamen could also be involved in the preparation of aggressive acts in a romantic context, as in situations when a rival presents a danger. Previous studies have suggested that the insula may be involved in responses to distressing stimuli, and the viewing of both a loved one and a hated face may BABY WE CAN SLIP AWAY contribute such a distressing signal," Zeki said.
He added that activity in parts of the hate circuit matches the strength of the person's declared intensity of hate, "thus allowing the subjective state of hate to be objectively quantified. This finding may have legal implications in criminal cases, for example."

Not too much of a waste of your time.

Mission accomplished

Not too lazy.

I've essentially had an asian cock in my mouth.

When I was about 16 years old I found a picture of my mother's boyfriend with his cock in his hand. Oh do I have your attention now? Fuck yeah I do. So anyway,  I found this picture right out in the open. If one considers "right out in the open" to mean deep in the back of her underwear drawer underneath some packages of everyday hosiery. And who doesn't? Well I certainly do. I guess that's why I was the little asshole who used to go through everyone's drawers in the house. I don't know why. Most of the time, I found nothing. And ninety percent of the time that I did find something, it was emotionally scarring. Yet I searched and searched. I found a bottle of Demerol in my Dad's briefcase when I was 14. I took one and had the  best fucking high of my life as I melted into the family couch and watched a video I had rented earlier in the day called "Bloodsucking Freaks." It's a nice movie, you should check it out. But I digress. So I found this fucking disgusting picture of my mother's Asian boyfriend sitting on the couch in my mother's room. Oh and did I mention that his cock was in his hand? I did? Okay, just wanted to be sure that you knew the picture was of my mom's Asian boyfriend with his cock in his hand. Anyway, the "portrait" was taken with him sitting on the very couch I had to sit down on when my legs nearly gave way after finding the picture. Legs that then catapulted me out of that fucking seat the second I realized I was sitting in the same spot as my mom's big-cock-holdin' boyfriend was in the picture. I've never moved so fast. It was as if someone had lit a brick of firecrackers under my nuts. I looked at this photo for a long time. Why? What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't know. I was mesmerized. I felt like this moment couldn't possibly be happening. But, of course, sadly, it was. The guy was slumped on the couch, holding his erect penis in his hand with his tongue sticking out, trying to be seductive. No, seriously. Like that's so sexy. A fucking tongue hanging out like a tired dog or a dead raccoon on the side of the road. Ignoring his twisted visage I instead focused on the matter at hand, so to speak. His cock. It was way bigger than I had been led to believe Asian men normally had. This disturbed me on so many levels.  Seeking strength in numbers, I yelled for my brother to come into the room immediately. In the time it took him to run into the room, something devastating dawned upon me- someone had to take that picture. I'm nearly vomiting as I write about it so you can imagine how I felt then. Yes,  it occurred to me that my fucking mom snapped this shot. The blood rushed from my head, and I smelled burning oranges. I was milliseconds from fainting when my brother came into the room, saw the picture and laughed uproariously. That laughter brought me back to reality. Thank God he was there. It was hilarious. I see that now. I have to. What the hell else can I do but laugh? My mother's boyfriend- who, by the way, was a total dickweed elitist douche- was holding his cock right in front of us. He had no idea we could see his humiliating display and that was great for us. Every time we saw him thereafter we'd giggle like little schoolgirls and he'd have no idea why. Tee-hee! Of course, if he had a ladyfinger (Asian firework reference) dick, it would've been a lot better but this was still pretty awesome. What a total dick. Who would pose for a photo like that? You might then ask who would take a picture like that? Hey, back the fuck off, that's my mom. I love her very much, and if she wants to get a little freaky in her spare time, that's cool. Just hide the shit better next time. Damn, girl. You know you raised disrespectful asshole kids who had no respect for anyone's privacy, you shoulda locked that shit up in a safe deposit box. Anyway, here's the kicker. That guy was not only my mom's boyfriend. He was also my dentist. I had to see him for another year or two after that for bi-annual cleanings. That's right, a man who's dick I clearly should never, ever have seen had his dick-holding hands all up in my mouth. His dick by proxy was in my mouth. Sure he wore rubber gloves but do you think that made it any better in my mind? Now I knew what his dick in a rubber tasted like, essentially. I have not visited a male dentist since. No, I'm stable and rational. 

Not too cock-asian. 

Tee-hee!

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Vice President Dick Cheney will visit George Washington University Hospital on Wednesday after doctors discovered a recurrence of an abnormal heart rhythm, his spokeswoman said in a written statement.

Vice President Dick Cheney has a history of heart problems, including several heart attacks.

Doctors discovered Wednesday that Cheney was "experiencing a recurrence of atrial fibrillation, an abnormal rhythm involving the upper chambers of the heart," Megan Mitchell said.

He will undergo an outpatient procedure to restore his normal rhythm, she said.

Cheney canceled a Wednesday campaign event in Illinois for Marty Ozinga, a Republican nominee for a U.S. congressional seat.

The 67-year-old vice president has a history of heart ailments, including four heart attacks dating to 1978. He was briefly hospitalized in January 2006 after suffering shortness of breath.

Cheney also experienced an abnormal rhythm in the upper chambers of his heart November 26. His normal heart rhythm was restored through a procedure called cardioversion, which uses an electrical impulse.

At the time, Cheney complained of a lingering cough from a cold.

Not too on the FBI watch list now.

God damn it, Larry Flynt, you asshole!

Larry Flynt's "Hustler" is producing a video depicting maverick milf, Sarah Palin, in hot sexual situations. Good idea? Fuck yeah it is. Too bad they cast some ugly pig who looks nothing like Palin to play the part. 

It's a fucking disgrace. Doesn't anyone take pride in creating porno anymore (that's a whole other post for sure)? I was really looking forward to this fine film too. Now there's only a 90% chance I will rent or buy it. Fucking Larry Flynt. He has to half-ass everything. Nothing he does is ever done well. I bet the guy can't even walk well. Oh....right.  

(Hey Spanish Johnny, take notice of the full-back panties. You like that right? You're a fucking filthy animal. )

Not too indebted to Larry Flynt and his tireless efforts to preserve freedom of speech even though he can barely speak. 

More of the funniest website of all-time

The site, www.focusonthefamily.com  is a goldmine. The founder, James Dobson, is a fucking crackpot Jesus freak, self-loathing homo who thinks homosexuality is a sinful choice. According to the always reliable and accurate Wikipedia, Dobson is so vehemently against the gay lifestyle that he accused Spongebob Squarepants of being a shill for the homosexual community. Check this out: "In the winter of 2004-2005, the We Are Family Foundation sent American elementary schools approximately 60,000 copies of a free DVD using popular cartoon characters (most notably Sponge Bob) to "promote tolerance and diversity." Dobson contended that "tolerance and diversity" are "buzzwords" that the We Are Family Foundation misused as part of a hidden agenda to promote homosexuality. The New York Times noted Dobson asserting: "tolerance and its first cousin, diversity, 'are almost always buzzwords for homosexual advocacy.'" Umm, guess what, Mr. Dobson? You are fucking gay! You've been denying it your whole life. But you can't fight it when you see those choir boys in your church kneel down and open their mouths for that wafer, huh? At that moment, even at your advanced age, I'm sure your dick gets hard as a fucking rock. I am positive at some point- and probably a lot more than I can even imagine- Dobson has had hardcore gay sex. He will burn in hell, if there is one. Not for being gay, of course, but for denying being gay and for making so many poor fucking kids/adults afraid to come out. And for teaching intolerance and what is essentially gay-bashing. What a fucking dick hole. 

 

Anyway, here's a fun little article on parenting from Dobson's website. Enjoy. 

Are You a Pinocchio Parent?
by Shana Schutte


Do you remember Pinocchio, the little wooden boy carved from a piece of pine by the woodcarver, Geppetto? (Mind you, this article is meant for parents, not children and already it's starting off so fucking condescending.) Even though Pinocchio dreamt of becoming a real boy, there was very little real about him – except that he had a nasty habit of lying. Whenever he lied, his nose grew. If he told a whopper, it grew very long, while a little white lie caused only a little growth. (Of course Dobson loves this story. A little boy made of "wood" whose nose grows? I mean, could it be any more about getting erections?)

According to Dr. Chuck Borsellino (Never trust anyone with that first name) , the author of Pinocchio Parenting (what a gay title) , many adults suffer from Pinocchio's problem. No, they're not blatant liars, and their noses don't grow (No way! Really?), but they use false clichés to teach their kids, which can be problematic.

Before you think you couldn't possibly be a "Pinocchio Parent," check out these four common lies that adults tell their children (One of them is that the Earth was created 4,000 years ago, right?). While people may repeat these untruths at any time, I've broken them down by ages and stages for extra insight. (Ooh, I can't wait for Shana's amazing insight)

Early Stages (0-3)
"Yes, Honey, there is a Santa Claus."

During the Christmas holidays, tiny tots all over the United States (yes, only in the United States, because everywhere else the heathens wait for a giant monkey to deliver their toys)  gather in shopping malls to sit on Santa's lap. Soon, with a little coaching from Mom and Dad, our littlest citizens believe in the magic man in the red hat and long, white flowing beard. (No, instead we must teach them that this holiday about about a magic man with long hair and a white flowing beard who sees you when you sleep and knows when you've been good or bad. And you have to pray to him every Sunday or else he'll make sure you burn in a pit of fire when you die.)

You might be thinking, OK, wait a minute! What's wrong with Santa? He is part of the magic of Christmas. Granted, many people agree that there isn't anything wrong with St. Nick, including Dr. Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family. "I wouldn't take that away from early childhood. My kids loved Santa." (So what's your fucking point, asshole?)

While Dr. Borsellino agrees with Dobson that play and fantasy are a fun (and sexy!) part of childhood, the main lesson parents should glean from Santa is to be "careful telling your kids anything that you'll have to un-tell them later." (Like "mommy and daddy love each other very much" or "Daddies always feed kids with their special milking hose when mommy's boobies dry up.")

Discovery Years (ages 4-7)
"What's on the inside is what matters." (Especially with vaginas)

The first time that Julia came home from middle school crying because her classmates ridiculed her about her "elephant-size" ears, her mother tried to comfort her by saying, "Sweetheart, it's what's on the inside that matters." ("Take mommy, for instance.  I am rotting on the inside because every dream I ever had for myself died when you emerged from my swollen hole. That's when I got a new identity called 'mommy' and I stopped being myself. But it's okay because the role of 'mommy' is so liberating and completely unique to my existence. Hold on, Dear, while I put this gun in my mouth and blow my brains out.")

While this sounds like a good argument because what's on the inside does matter to God, the truth is that we in the United States have a beauty bias. And, according to Borsellino, "We lie [to our kids] when we don't face that." (You know what, I can't argue with this. Damn! If your kid is fugly, you'd better prepare them for the life of abuse, lies and disappointment that awaits them. But first you have to admit your kid is ugly. Come to your fucking senses, people. I know you think your kid is beautiful but, guess what, every parent thinks that. You know that ugly girl in middle school that you made fun of for having a huge forehead? Yeah her mom though she was beautiful. So take a close look at your kid. Think about the odds. Notice how many good looking people you see in a day versus how many ugly fuckers you see. Get the point? The odds are against you and your ugly kid. Best start preparing them now. )

What can a parent do when teens, especially girls, are demoralized by the world's message that you don't matter if you don't look like a movie star? While a parent does not want to emphasize outward appearances, Borsellino believes parents should teach kids to make the most of what God gave them ("accentuate the tits," Borsellino suggested.) . "If the barn door needs painting, paint it," (not too sexually suggestive) he says. We should also eat healthy and exercise to take care of our bodies. Of course, making the most of our outward appearance should never be done at the expense of faith or character. (So no "Cum on Jesus" tattoo above the ass crack?) 

Tween Ages (ages 8-12)
"The best things in life are free."

When your children start to grow, it's natural for you to want to teach them to be grateful. You want them to value the little things in life, right? For this reason, just about every parent tells their kids, "The best things in life are free."

While this may sound good, the question is this: when is the last time you really valued something that was free? (But wait, I'm confused, this seems very un-Christian) It's probably been a long time, or it may have never happened. The truth is that anything that is worth something costs something. It costs courage, dedication, money, sacrifice or relational commitment. (Oh wow, my mind is officially blown! What a twist! This is better than anything that Hitchcock or M. Night Shyamalan could come up with.)

The college graduate who studied for years will tell you they value their diploma. The husband and wife who have worked their way out of a deep marital ditch will tell you that a healthy marriage isn't free. The young pastor who works two jobs to keep his congregation afloat will say that it costs dedication (and a lot of money to settle all those kid raping cases. Damn loud-mouthed little faggots!).

So you see, the truth is that the best things in life aren't free, and according to Dr. Borsellino, "Whatever you earn cheaply, you will also value to the same degree." No doubt, this is a great truth to teach your kids. (And be sure when they ask "mommy, was I free" that you tell them the fucking reality; "No, Billy, you were not free. Mommy had to give up her dreams, her body and her sexuality for you. And Daddy had to give up being attracted to mommy and 10 years off of his retirement and that's why he sees a whore now.") 

Teen Phases (ages 13-18)
"You can be anything you want to be."

When parents want to encourage their teens about finding a career they often say, "You can be anything you want to be." Is it a lie? Absolutely. (And because you've properly trained your children to take everything they see, hear and read literally, like the Bible, 

"The truth is, if you're 4'9 (and white) ," says Borsellino, "you can't play in the NBA."It is also true that we have more opportunities in the United States (if you're white) than just about anywhere else in the world, but no one can be whatever they want. A skilled engineer will probably go crazy trying to write a book, and an artist would most likely go bananas if she had to crunch numbers for a living. Yes, God has given everyone gifts, but no one has every gift. (So- in an effort to encourage and motivate your little cunt kids definitely don't tell them they should "reach for the stars", because that's utter bullshit. How could they possibly reach the stars? They are millions of miles away! Could these Christians be any more literal? Okay, sure, you can't be anything you want in life but should you stop them from trying? I don't think anyone- even the kids who hear that phrase- are taking it literally. But then again, we are talking about Christians here. They think a man turned water into wine and that's a fucking FACT!!!!)

Rather than tell kids they can be whatever they want, Dr. Borsellino suggests that parents ask themselves, "What kind of gifts and talents can I fertilize in my children?" (Wait, say that last sentence again, I want to lube up.)  In other words, how can I encourage growth of the particular gifts, talents and bents that God has placed in each of my children? Parents should also teach their kids to strive for excellence by doing their best with whatever skills and talents God has given them (But what if that talent just happens to be giving the most exquisite blow jobs? What then? I don't mean every day, run-of-the-mill blow jobs. I mean like the best fucking head on the planet. What if that was the one skill your [over 18 years old, you fucking animals!] kid was given? Someone's gotta have it, right? Spanish Johnny?)

Most importantly, Borsellino wants his readers to know that the most dangerous lie is not one we tell our kids, but the one we tell ourselves. It's when we say, "I don’t matter." (Huh? Who the fuck says this?) No doubt, this lie will rob parents who believe it of their ability to parent effectively.

The greatest proof that we do matter is the cross (yes, an instrument of torture and unthinkable pain is all the proof I need.) Through Christ's act of unconditional love, God said, "You mean the world to me, even if the world says you don't matter." (So, why does your faggot doctor infer that saying "I don't matter" is the worst lie of all?) Not only is this one of the greatest truths that parents should embrace, but it's one they can share with their children, at any age or stage. (Yes, definitely try sitting down with your 15 year old and share this with them. I'm sure it will mean so much and make a huge difference in their life.)

By the way, for the record, I am not anti-Christian but I am anti-preaching. Go make sense of that.

Not too evaginacal.

PS> Say "hi" to your mother for me, okay? 

"Oh my Gash"

This morning I was greeted by newspaper headlines like "Palin passes" and "no fatal slips as Biden, Palin tussle for title of reformer." No fatal slips? What about that hackneyed fucking winking? What about her absolute lack of substance? I knew it. If she didn't take a shit on stage it was virtually guaranteed the weak press would laud her performance as a rousing success. I can't believe it but America really is less interested in facts, substance and track records than they are in snappy eye wear, pretty hair, supple, pouty lips, bedroom eyes, a perfect smile,  milky, flawless legs, a tight little ass that won't quit and is begging for a hard spanking. Oh fuck it, PALIN FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!

No, I'll have a lot to talk about when the election is over. 

Oh....my....God

These things actually vote? This country is fucked. 

Not too genetically blessed.

He takes shits that are smarter than you.

Palin comparison.

What a caption! Well I might as well be the first to say it, right? I mean, about a million other people will be saying it and reading it in tabloid papers and on the news on Friday after the Vice Presidential debate. I can hear my local newswoman now: "Palin comparison. How did the governor of Alaska fare against Senator Joe Biden? We'll have detailed analysis. Also, shower curtain rings. Circles of death? A report every mom should hear! Tonight at 11."  God, they sicken me. Anyway, back to Sarah Palin. Good luck, whore. You have about as good a chance against Biden as that kid you claim is your son, "Trig", has against, oh I don't know, a rubber ball with a bell in it? Suck my nut, bitch. Go away.

Not too predictable (the post, the outcome of the debate and the gay caption)

"Your cock looks magnificent today."

In the elevator today, I heard - surprise - yet another fucking mundane, predictable conversation. Why do people suddenly become Corky when they get inside an elevator? Here's the conversation two normally intelligent women had. 

GIRL1: It's so gross out today.

GIRL2: I KNOW! 

GIRL1: Uggh, this day can't be over fast enough.

GIRL2: This week has been the longest week ever. 

Now, the irony of me talking about how people are such cliches by using the old, cliched example of elevator chatter is not lost on me. However, I'm writing this blog and you're merely reading it, so suck it. Besides, my point isn't so much what people are saying but what people are not saying. It's too bad we can't say what's really on our minds in elevators (I smell a Seinfeld bit coming on!) . Or anywhere for that matter. So here are a few conversation starters for anyone who wants to be a little less predictable and a little more "real" in an elevator. 

1) "My your cock looks magnificent today." - What fucking guy wouldn't want to hear this compliment? And yes, it would be a compliment. Guys are shallow and insecure (soooo different from the ladies!) and would love to hear this. Which begs the question, why would you gals recoil at someone saying "Your jugs look so fucking good today"? Okay, replace "jugs" with the more sensitive "boobs." Either way you'd probably call the cops. Yet if you said "fuck your package looks sweet" guys would beam with pride. Boy I guess women really are from Venus and men are from Mars. Ha-ha, am I right? Hello? Is anyone still here?

2) "I can see your asshole in those pants."- If a complete stranger said this to me, I would instantly love them. I would also be unable to catch my breath from laughing so hard. 

3) "Oh hi, Janice. Hey, I heard your kid is a faggot." -May be slightly offensive, I guess. 

4) "Have you been reading Mega Superior Gold lately? My god is that guy funny. And hot." - No explanation necessary, just give the Kid a fucking break, okay?

5) "Nothing would make me happier than to punch all of you in the genitals right now." -A great way to get the elevator all to yourself. And people would be talking about it all day. 

6) "This week has been the longest week ever!" - I guess my point is just as retarded as the conversations I speak about. You can't really say that shit out loud. People will look at you funny. And call the cops. It's a shame though. Because elevator rides could be so much more entertaining if people would loosen up and not take everything so seriously.  What a bunch of faggots you all are. 

Not too going nowhere. 

Advertising in action. Hot, fucking action.

Genius. 



Find more videos like this on AdGabber

Not too desperate for material. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- You've got to be kidding me.

RILF

The dumb-as-rocks-ridiculously-under-qualified-hot-piece-of-ass Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, is barring reporters from viewing her first day at international diplomacy sleepaway camp (see story here). So she's hiding from the media because she is terrified they will expose her ineptitude?  That proves just how much of a retard (one that I'd like to fuck, by the way. Not like her son. I'm not attracted to him at all) she is. She's so dumb she doesn't even realize that the news media is more likely report on how pretty she looks and how "normal" she is than talk about her faux pas with Henry Kissinger when she says to him "I thought you'd look more Jewy." 

(Update: The McCain spin masters are now saying that reporters were never banned from the meetings. I guess they were just joshin' around when they sent all of the reporters out of the room, huh? Frankly I'm surprised the media even reported the fact that they were sent out of the room in the first place. I expected instead something like "Fatal Fruit! The true story behind apples. Are your children safe?" 

Not too jewy. 

I've got a five inch taint.

More reasons why Mr. Show was the greatest show of all-time. 

When was the last time you saw a skit that funny on any tv show? I'll tell you when, never. Fucking grow up, losers. Check out this one too. Then go out and buy the DVD's. Needless to say, they are well worth it. You will never stop watching them. 

Not too between the balls and ass. 

The funniest website of all-time (part 1)

The website is www.focusonthefamily.com. And I'm not linking it because it really is a despicable site. However, I've combed through all the homophobia and churchy-ness to bring you some highlights. The following is an article from their "Life Challenges" section -aimed at the young 'ens-  about a young man with a propensity for looking at - gasp! - "pictures of naked women." Fuck you preachy assholes. I guarantee the hypochrists who write that site all have way worse shit hidden in their basements. Like dismembered, previously-raped little boy bodies. But I digress. Here's their wonderfully written lesson to the young about pornography. I give you, "I know what you did last night" with my comments in red, obviously.

Ken struggled to adjust to the dorm scene his freshman year. Guys (I can hear the editor now "let's use 'guys' instead of 'men' so we can really appeal to the young kids) dropped by his room all the time, but not to see him. In fact they ignored him as they hung out with his roommate who seemed to be adjusting just fine. Ken hoped to simply get by — going through the motions of college and often bypassing the social scene around him. At this tough time, pictures of naked women seemed to be faithful friends. When he felt lonely or frustrated, he knew exciting images were only a few clicks away on the Internet. The rush they provided dulled the drudgery of sitting in class and the awkwardness of social time between classes.

Ken knew it wasn't right. He struggled with pornography throughout high school and going to a Christian college didn't change things, but he thought it was just a private little habit he'd have to work on. Until his habit was exposed. Some guys on his hall — the same ones he hadn't been able to fit in with — caught him in the act. They spread the word and seemed to enjoy the embarrassment it caused him. (Sounds like some nice Christian kids there.) It made him mad. He denied viewing the porn even though he had been caught. He lost his temper and started pushing people around. When the pushing led to a fight, Ken got kicked out of the dorm. 

And thus ends the compelling parable. That's it? Ha-ha!!!  Ken looked at naked pictures which led to him being kicked out of the dorm. See how porn leads to no good? I couldn't be the fact that he lashed out physically against a gang of bullies that got him kicked out. No, it was the naughty little habit of looking at naked lady pictures. What a bunch of assholes those kids were. The amazing part is, this writer obviously has no problem with theses "guys" publicly humiliating and abusing Ken. In fact, in his eyes, it's something any heathen who looks at porno should expect. What a very Christian, forgiving attitude. But while that's where the story ends, the analysis continues on. They make some really great points in the paragraphs below.

Out from the shadows (oooh, spooky)

Ken's not the only one whose problem is now public — he's part of a trend identified at several Christian college campuses. Sixty-eight percent of the guys surveyed at five religiously affiliated schools recently said they had intentionally looked for porn online.2 In that survey by the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families (not too biased), 10 percent said they viewed porn frequently and five percent thought they had a problem with it.

The wiring of Christian colleges for Internet over the past few years pushed the issue into public view. School administrators can no longer deny a porn problem when they review logs of campus Internet activity filled with porn sites or watch late night spikes in telecom demand as students plug their modems into dorm room phone jacks. (Unlike the good ol' days when you could completely deny a priest's rape of an innocent boy without a care in the world.) 

Additionally, campus pastors and counselors can't ignore the problem as more and more students come by telling how their old smut habits were accelerated via the convenience and affordability of Internet porn.

Talk about porn on the campus of a state school and students will say, "What's the big deal? It's not hurting anybody." Christian students usually know better. The same survey that looked at porn exposure on campus also asked about attitudes. While a majority of those interviewed had seen porn, they also agreed on three facts: Porn can be addictive, porn hurts relationships, and viewing porn is a sin that damages relationship with God.

So that means a lot of Christian students have a gap between their beliefs about pornography and their behavior. Like Paul, they do the things they don't want to do and are not able to do what they would like to do. Recognizing this gap, many Christian colleges now install filters on their Internet service, but they also go the next step and try to help students do the equivalent of installing a filter on their hearts. "This is a problem that can't be solved with technology (censorship)  alone," says David Tilley, Vice President of Student Life at Lee University in Tennessee. (Lee University, huh? As in Robert E. Lee. What a nice school. Named after a slave owner who fought viciously to keep slavery for all in the South to enjoy. Here are just a few sentences from a letter to his wife in 1856: "The blacks are immeasurably better off here than in Africa, morally, socially & physically. The painful discipline they are undergoing, is necessary for their instruction as a race, & I hope will prepare & lead them to better things."  Well at least he hopes for better things for them. When are we going to hear the point of view form the Vice  President of Student LIfe at Hitler University?)

Lee, along with Taylor, Wheaton, Biola (what a gay name) and several other schools now look to special chapels, accountability groups, and innovative dorm programs to address sexual purity and to provide guys like Ken with a safe place to confess their struggles. (They need a safe place because otherwise students will beat the shit out of them and get them kicked out of their dorms apparently.) Their effort is paying off. During a recent revival at Biola University, several students confessed their Internet porn problem and were finally able to work towards freedom from a lifelong struggle. (Really, a lifelong struggle? They have been battling with their conscience since birth about whether or not to look at pictures of women sticking Coke cans in their vaginas?) 

A Longing for Intimacy

Like those at Biola, many students have discovered that confession can break the cycle of shame driving their porn habit. "What drew me in deeper to pornography was the secrecy, shame, and guilt that is usually associated with it," says Brad* who struggled throughout college. "I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone about my problem, and this began to snowball. The deeper I became involved in pornography, the harder it was to climb out." (No, those quotes don't sound too manufactured.) 

Here's how the cycle works. Whether they recognize it or not, guys like Ken and Brad need relational intimacy — they need for people to know them and like them (so, naturally, they write awful, nasty things on a blog) Early on, however, they realize that relationships can be awkward and complicated (especially when the relationship between them and their trusted family priest turns highly erotic.)  Meanwhile, their needs are still strong and they see that pornography can at least give them some sense of satisfaction without all the complications of human relationships (no argument there.) Now they have a secret — a dirty little habit they don't want anyone to know about. They still need intimacy, but they think, "if anyone knew what I did last night, they wouldn't love me." And so they build walls that make it even harder to be known and loved. (All because they looked a purdy lady privates.)

Guys aren't known for sitting around and talking about an underlying need for intimacy (I don't know about you Christian faggots, but me and my homeboys often discuss the need for intimacy after we kick back with some juice boxes and red vines) . More often they can be found in testosterone-fueled conversations about the more physical aspects of sexuality (kissing, hugging, fisting etc...). But intimacy — that experience of being known and loved — is a powerful need that nevertheless drives sexual desire. That's why the act of intercourse was once described as "being known" (as in "David took her into his tent and knew her.") (So when they say "God knows you", that means he's fucking you?) 

But who is "knowing" anybody when a guy stares at an airbrushed image on a computer screen (hey, "Throat yogurt 11" is NOT fucking airbrushed!) ? The tragedy is that pornography pretends to meet a need for intimacy while systematically making intimacy impossible. In his book, The Centerfold Syndrome, Dr. Gary Brooks (homo) explains that pornography erodes a man’s ability to relate to a woman in an intimate and honest way because it "pays scant attention to [his] needs for sensuality and intimacy while exalting [his] sexual needs."

An image of a woman without her clothes creates sexual excitement, but disconnected from marital closeness (marital only, people! There can be no closeness otherwise!) , it fails to deliver the closeness and oneness that complement visual stimulation. C. S. Lewis paints a great word picture for this in Mere Christianity (more like Queer Christianity) . "You must not isolate [sexual] pleasure and try to get it by itself," he says, "any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again." (So he's making the case for swallowing over spitting? I'm on board.) 

Worried that his porn habit had damaged his sexual appetite, a student named Tyler* vowed he wouldn't take a porn problem into his marriage. It wasn't easy, though. His commitment required him to fight back years of experiencing sex as a selfish and controlling act through pornography and masturbation (Please, what's wrong with masturbation? I mean, so what if a guy likes to touch a car battery electrodes to his wet taint whilst making an Atlantic Sea Bass ejaculate into his mouth? What's so wrong with that?)  and to replace it with a selfless and intimate view of sex in the context of serving his wife. "Marriage won't cure a porn addiction, so don't wait until then to address it," Tyler says, "It isn't fair to your future wife and it shortchanges the relationship that God has for you."

The notion that intimacy heightens sexuality even made it to the hip and worldly pages of Men's Health magazine (ooh cutting edge!) recently. In a surprisingly critical look at Internet porn surfing, the writer questioned the value of sexual pleasure that is disconnected from a committed and intimate relationship. One of his better quotes comes from Carl, an oceanographer, who says, "It is a constant battle to remind myself, when arousal material is so easily accessed, that to attain a higher level of real sexual fulfillment takes intimacy." 

One concept Men's Health magazine probably won't tackle, however, is the idea that real intimacy begins with God. In a fallen world, anyone who desires to be known deeply ( you mean fucked deeply as per your definition above?) and loved deeply will inevitably be disappointed by his or her relationships. Only God can know you and love you completely. Think about that. He's the only person who sees you around the clock and knows your every thought. He sees all the good things in you that you want the world to see, but He also sees all the bad stuff you want to hide. And remarkably, He loves you unconditionally. (Umm, then what is the fucking problem?) 

In response, God asks that you love the people around you in the same way He loves you. Instead of being focused on having your needs for love and intimacy met by others, God calls you to receive His love ( wow, is that erotic literature or what?) and then focus on loving others. So what it comes down to is this. Pornography promises something like intimacy and then cheats you of real intimacy twice. First it pushes a wedge between you and God — the only one who can know (again, by their definition that is "fucking") and love you completely. And secondly it gets you so focused on your own desires that you are unable to know and love anyone else in an intimate relationship.

C.S. Lewis provides another illustration offering a clear distinction between the brief and counterfeit pleasures of pornography compared with the eternal and abundant promises of intimacy with God. "We are half-hearted creatures," he says, "fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mudpies in the slums ( no, I don't own the xxx DVD release of "Making mudpies in the slums") because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea." His next line is the clincher: "We are far too easily pleased.." (Gay.) 

The scary thing about all of this is that "Focus on the Family" is a very influential group in this country and can influence those who are easily led (ie, Christians) to do whatever they want, so get ready to watch Sarah Palin take the Oath of Office. Yay!!!!!! 

Not too knowed up. 

For BP

This is for BP, the amazingly talented Art Director who created my new logo: 

"My shoes hurt." 

He fuckin' knows what it means. And if any of you had any sense of humor at all, then you would too. But I trust most of you are retarded (like Bob LaMonta's parents) and have never seen this bit of genius from the woefully underrated "Mr. Show": 

Not too strong, like the Hulk. 

Even the Cunt of all cunts doesn't think this cunt should be in office.

Cunt. 

Read Gloria Steinem's excellent point of view on fellow cunt Sarah Palin right here.

Not too Women's libby.

You have to see this

More McCain hypocrisy spotlighted by the geniuses at the Daily Show.

Fucking, cocksucking liars

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Well, now she has two retards to take care of.

Sarah Palin, the lying cunt Vice-Presidential nominee from Alaska, now has another retarded person in her life to take care of; Senator John McCain. Last night ABC news aired an interview by Charles Gibson in which the Senator was asked about Palin's credentials. Here is one of his answers (ver-fucking-batim). 

Gibson: Can you honestly say you feel confident having someone who hasn't travelled outside of the United States until last year dealing with an insurgent Russia, with an Iran with nuclear ambitions, with an unstable Pakistan? Not to mention the war on terror? 

McCain: Sure.  And one of the key elements of America's security requirements are energy. She understands the energy issues better than anyone I know in Washington, D.C. And she understands that Alaska is right next to Russia. She understands that. 

HA-HA-HA!!! Are you joking? She understands that Alaska is next to Russia? Oh thank God she understands that. What an accomplishment. I think her four month old Downs-syndrome child understand that. What the fuck kind of answer is that? It's embarrassing. Well that sounds just like the kind of person we need to be second in command behind your decrepit ass, McCain. 

SIDE NOTE: The GOP convention has been full of lies. To see them side-by-side with the facts that disprove what was said, read this nice, quick story here

Not too retarded.

Feces

A pile of horse shit

A pile of dog shit

A pile of rabbit shit

A pile of worthless shit

Not too shitty.