Monday, September 29, 2008

He takes shits that are smarter than you.




Palin comparison.

What a caption! Well I might as well be the first to say it, right? I mean, about a million other people will be saying it and reading it in tabloid papers and on the news on Friday after the Vice Presidential debate. I can hear my local newswoman now: "Palin comparison. How did the governor of Alaska fare against Senator Joe Biden? We'll have detailed analysis. Also, shower curtain rings. Circles of death? A report every mom should hear! Tonight at 11."  God, they sicken me. Anyway, back to Sarah Palin. Good luck, whore. You have about as good a chance against Biden as that kid you claim is your son, "Trig", has against, oh I don't know, a rubber ball with a bell in it? Suck my nut, bitch. Go away.



Not too predictable (the post, the outcome of the debate and the gay caption)

Friday, September 26, 2008

"Your cock looks magnificent today."





In the elevator today, I heard - surprise - yet another fucking mundane, predictable conversation. Why do people suddenly become Corky when they get inside an elevator? Here's the conversation two normally intelligent women had. 

GIRL1: It's so gross out today.
GIRL2: I KNOW! 
GIRL1: Uggh, this day can't be over fast enough.
GIRL2: This week has been the longest week ever. 

Now, the irony of me talking about how people are such cliches by using the old, cliched example of elevator chatter is not lost on me. However, I'm writing this blog and you're merely reading it, so suck it. Besides, my point isn't so much what people are saying but what people are not saying. It's too bad we can't say what's really on our minds in elevators (I smell a Seinfeld bit coming on!) . Or anywhere for that matter. So here are a few conversation starters for anyone who wants to be a little less predictable and a little more "real" in an elevator. 

1) "My your cock looks magnificent today." - What fucking guy wouldn't want to hear this compliment? And yes, it would be a compliment. Guys are shallow and insecure (soooo different from the ladies!) and would love to hear this. Which begs the question, why would you gals recoil at someone saying "Your jugs look so fucking good today"? Okay, replace "jugs" with the more sensitive "boobs." Either way you'd probably call the cops. Yet if you said "fuck your package looks sweet" guys would beam with pride. Boy I guess women really are from Venus and men are from Mars. Ha-ha, am I right? Hello? Is anyone still here?

2) "I can see your asshole in those pants."- If a complete stranger said this to me, I would instantly love them. I would also be unable to catch my breath from laughing so hard. 

3) "Oh hi, Janice. Hey, I heard your kid is a faggot." -May be slightly offensive, I guess. 

4) "Have you been reading Mega Superior Gold lately? My god is that guy funny. And hot." - No explanation necessary, just give the Kid a fucking break, okay?

5) "Nothing would make me happier than to punch all of you in the genitals right now." -A great way to get the elevator all to yourself. And people would be talking about it all day. 

6) "This week has been the longest week ever!" - I guess my point is just as retarded as the conversations I speak about. You can't really say that shit out loud. People will look at you funny. And call the cops. It's a shame though. Because elevator rides could be so much more entertaining if people would loosen up and not take everything so seriously.  What a bunch of faggots you all are. 




Not too going nowhere. 

Advertising in action. Hot, fucking action.

Genius. 



Find more videos like this on AdGabber



Not too desperate for material. 

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- You've got to be kidding me.



RILF

The dumb-as-rocks-ridiculously-under-qualified-hot-piece-of-ass Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, is barring reporters from viewing her first day at international diplomacy sleepaway camp (see story here). So she's hiding from the media because she is terrified they will expose her ineptitude?  That proves just how much of a retard (one that I'd like to fuck, by the way. Not like her son. I'm not attracted to him at all) she is. She's so dumb she doesn't even realize that the news media is more likely report on how pretty she looks and how "normal" she is than talk about her faux pas with Henry Kissinger when she says to him "I thought you'd look more Jewy." 


(Update: The McCain spin masters are now saying that reporters were never banned from the meetings. I guess they were just joshin' around when they sent all of the reporters out of the room, huh? Frankly I'm surprised the media even reported the fact that they were sent out of the room in the first place. I expected instead something like "Fatal Fruit! The true story behind apples. Are your children safe?" 



Not too jewy. 

Friday, September 19, 2008

I've got a five inch taint.



More reasons why Mr. Show was the greatest show of all-time. 





When was the last time you saw a skit that funny on any tv show? I'll tell you when, never. Fucking grow up, losers. Check out this one too. Then go out and buy the DVD's. Needless to say, they are well worth it. You will never stop watching them. 








Not too between the balls and ass. 

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The funniest website of all-time (part 1)



The website is www.focusonthefamily.com. And I'm not linking it because it really is a despicable site. However, I've combed through all the homophobia and churchy-ness to bring you some highlights. The following is an article from their "Life Challenges" section -aimed at the young 'ens-  about a young man with a propensity for looking at - gasp! - "pictures of naked women." Fuck you preachy assholes. I guarantee the hypochrists who write that site all have way worse shit hidden in their basements. Like dismembered, previously-raped little boy bodies. But I digress. Here's their wonderfully written lesson to the young about pornography. I give you, "I know what you did last night" with my comments in red, obviously.

Ken struggled to adjust to the dorm scene his freshman year. Guys (I can hear the editor now "let's use 'guys' instead of 'men' so we can really appeal to the young kids) dropped by his room all the time, but not to see him. In fact they ignored him as they hung out with his roommate who seemed to be adjusting just fine. Ken hoped to simply get by — going through the motions of college and often bypassing the social scene around him. At this tough time, pictures of naked women seemed to be faithful friends. When he felt lonely or frustrated, he knew exciting images were only a few clicks away on the Internet. The rush they provided dulled the drudgery of sitting in class and the awkwardness of social time between classes.

Ken knew it wasn't right. He struggled with pornography throughout high school and going to a Christian college didn't change things, but he thought it was just a private little habit he'd have to work on. Until his habit was exposed. Some guys on his hall — the same ones he hadn't been able to fit in with — caught him in the act. They spread the word and seemed to enjoy the embarrassment it caused him. (Sounds like some nice Christian kids there.) It made him mad. He denied viewing the porn even though he had been caught. He lost his temper and started pushing people around. When the pushing led to a fight, Ken got kicked out of the dorm. 

And thus ends the compelling parable. That's it? Ha-ha!!!  Ken looked at naked pictures which led to him being kicked out of the dorm. See how porn leads to no good? I couldn't be the fact that he lashed out physically against a gang of bullies that got him kicked out. No, it was the naughty little habit of looking at naked lady pictures. What a bunch of assholes those kids were. The amazing part is, this writer obviously has no problem with theses "guys" publicly humiliating and abusing Ken. In fact, in his eyes, it's something any heathen who looks at porno should expect. What a very Christian, forgiving attitude. But while that's where the story ends, the analysis continues on. They make some really great points in the paragraphs below.

Out from the shadows (oooh, spooky)

Ken's not the only one whose problem is now public — he's part of a trend identified at several Christian college campuses. Sixty-eight percent of the guys surveyed at five religiously affiliated schools recently said they had intentionally looked for porn online.2 In that survey by the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families (not too biased), 10 percent said they viewed porn frequently and five percent thought they had a problem with it.

The wiring of Christian colleges for Internet over the past few years pushed the issue into public view. School administrators can no longer deny a porn problem when they review logs of campus Internet activity filled with porn sites or watch late night spikes in telecom demand as students plug their modems into dorm room phone jacks. (Unlike the good ol' days when you could completely deny a priest's rape of an innocent boy without a care in the world.) 

Additionally, campus pastors and counselors can't ignore the problem as more and more students come by telling how their old smut habits were accelerated via the convenience and affordability of Internet porn.

Talk about porn on the campus of a state school and students will say, "What's the big deal? It's not hurting anybody." Christian students usually know better. The same survey that looked at porn exposure on campus also asked about attitudes. While a majority of those interviewed had seen porn, they also agreed on three facts: Porn can be addictive, porn hurts relationships, and viewing porn is a sin that damages relationship with God.

So that means a lot of Christian students have a gap between their beliefs about pornography and their behavior. Like Paul, they do the things they don't want to do and are not able to do what they would like to do. Recognizing this gap, many Christian colleges now install filters on their Internet service, but they also go the next step and try to help students do the equivalent of installing a filter on their hearts. "This is a problem that can't be solved with technology (censorship)  alone," says David Tilley, Vice President of Student Life at Lee University in Tennessee. (Lee University, huh? As in Robert E. Lee. What a nice school. Named after a slave owner who fought viciously to keep slavery for all in the South to enjoy. Here are just a few sentences from a letter to his wife in 1856: "The blacks are immeasurably better off here than in Africa, morally, socially & physically. The painful discipline they are undergoing, is necessary for their instruction as a race, & I hope will prepare & lead them to better things."  Well at least he hopes for better things for them. When are we going to hear the point of view form the Vice  President of Student LIfe at Hitler University?)

Lee, along with Taylor, Wheaton, Biola (what a gay name) and several other schools now look to special chapels, accountability groups, and innovative dorm programs to address sexual purity and to provide guys like Ken with a safe place to confess their struggles. (They need a safe place because otherwise students will beat the shit out of them and get them kicked out of their dorms apparently.) Their effort is paying off. During a recent revival at Biola University, several students confessed their Internet porn problem and were finally able to work towards freedom from a lifelong struggle. (Really, a lifelong struggle? They have been battling with their conscience since birth about whether or not to look at pictures of women sticking Coke cans in their vaginas?) 

A Longing for Intimacy

Like those at Biola, many students have discovered that confession can break the cycle of shame driving their porn habit. "What drew me in deeper to pornography was the secrecy, shame, and guilt that is usually associated with it," says Brad* who struggled throughout college. "I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone about my problem, and this began to snowball. The deeper I became involved in pornography, the harder it was to climb out." (No, those quotes don't sound too manufactured.) 

Here's how the cycle works. Whether they recognize it or not, guys like Ken and Brad need relational intimacy — they need for people to know them and like them (so, naturally, they write awful, nasty things on a blog) Early on, however, they realize that relationships can be awkward and complicated (especially when the relationship between them and their trusted family priest turns highly erotic.)  Meanwhile, their needs are still strong and they see that pornography can at least give them some sense of satisfaction without all the complications of human relationships (no argument there.) Now they have a secret — a dirty little habit they don't want anyone to know about. They still need intimacy, but they think, "if anyone knew what I did last night, they wouldn't love me." And so they build walls that make it even harder to be known and loved. (All because they looked a purdy lady privates.)

Guys aren't known for sitting around and talking about an underlying need for intimacy (I don't know about you Christian faggots, but me and my homeboys often discuss the need for intimacy after we kick back with some juice boxes and red vines) . More often they can be found in testosterone-fueled conversations about the more physical aspects of sexuality (kissing, hugging, fisting etc...). But intimacy — that experience of being known and loved — is a powerful need that nevertheless drives sexual desire. That's why the act of intercourse was once described as "being known" (as in "David took her into his tent and knew her.") (So when they say "God knows you", that means he's fucking you?) 

But who is "knowing" anybody when a guy stares at an airbrushed image on a computer screen (hey, "Throat yogurt 11" is NOT fucking airbrushed!) ? The tragedy is that pornography pretends to meet a need for intimacy while systematically making intimacy impossible. In his book, The Centerfold Syndrome, Dr. Gary Brooks (homo) explains that pornography erodes a man’s ability to relate to a woman in an intimate and honest way because it "pays scant attention to [his] needs for sensuality and intimacy while exalting [his] sexual needs."

An image of a woman without her clothes creates sexual excitement, but disconnected from marital closeness (marital only, people! There can be no closeness otherwise!) , it fails to deliver the closeness and oneness that complement visual stimulation. C. S. Lewis paints a great word picture for this in Mere Christianity (more like Queer Christianity) . "You must not isolate [sexual] pleasure and try to get it by itself," he says, "any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again." (So he's making the case for swallowing over spitting? I'm on board.) 

Worried that his porn habit had damaged his sexual appetite, a student named Tyler* vowed he wouldn't take a porn problem into his marriage. It wasn't easy, though. His commitment required him to fight back years of experiencing sex as a selfish and controlling act through pornography and masturbation (Please, what's wrong with masturbation? I mean, so what if a guy likes to touch a car battery electrodes to his wet taint whilst making an Atlantic Sea Bass ejaculate into his mouth? What's so wrong with that?)  and to replace it with a selfless and intimate view of sex in the context of serving his wife. "Marriage won't cure a porn addiction, so don't wait until then to address it," Tyler says, "It isn't fair to your future wife and it shortchanges the relationship that God has for you."

The notion that intimacy heightens sexuality even made it to the hip and worldly pages of Men's Health magazine (ooh cutting edge!) recently. In a surprisingly critical look at Internet porn surfing, the writer questioned the value of sexual pleasure that is disconnected from a committed and intimate relationship. One of his better quotes comes from Carl, an oceanographer, who says, "It is a constant battle to remind myself, when arousal material is so easily accessed, that to attain a higher level of real sexual fulfillment takes intimacy." 

One concept Men's Health magazine probably won't tackle, however, is the idea that real intimacy begins with God. In a fallen world, anyone who desires to be known deeply ( you mean fucked deeply as per your definition above?) and loved deeply will inevitably be disappointed by his or her relationships. Only God can know you and love you completely. Think about that. He's the only person who sees you around the clock and knows your every thought. He sees all the good things in you that you want the world to see, but He also sees all the bad stuff you want to hide. And remarkably, He loves you unconditionally. (Umm, then what is the fucking problem?) 

In response, God asks that you love the people around you in the same way He loves you. Instead of being focused on having your needs for love and intimacy met by others, God calls you to receive His love ( wow, is that erotic literature or what?) and then focus on loving others. So what it comes down to is this. Pornography promises something like intimacy and then cheats you of real intimacy twice. First it pushes a wedge between you and God — the only one who can know (again, by their definition that is "fucking") and love you completely. And secondly it gets you so focused on your own desires that you are unable to know and love anyone else in an intimate relationship.

C.S. Lewis provides another illustration offering a clear distinction between the brief and counterfeit pleasures of pornography compared with the eternal and abundant promises of intimacy with God. "We are half-hearted creatures," he says, "fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mudpies in the slums ( no, I don't own the xxx DVD release of "Making mudpies in the slums") because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea." His next line is the clincher: "We are far too easily pleased.." (Gay.) 


The scary thing about all of this is that "Focus on the Family" is a very influential group in this country and can influence those who are easily led (ie, Christians) to do whatever they want, so get ready to watch Sarah Palin take the Oath of Office. Yay!!!!!! 

Not too knowed up. 

For BP


This is for BP, the amazingly talented Art Director who created my new logo: 


"My shoes hurt." 



He fuckin' knows what it means. And if any of you had any sense of humor at all, then you would too. But I trust most of you are retarded (like Bob LaMonta's parents) and have never seen this bit of genius from the woefully underrated "Mr. Show": 





Not too strong, like the Hulk. 

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Even the Cunt of all cunts doesn't think this cunt should be in office.


Cunt. 

Read Gloria Steinem's excellent point of view on fellow cunt Sarah Palin right here.





Not too Women's libby.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

You have to see this

More McCain hypocrisy spotlighted by the geniuses at the Daily Show.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Well, now she has two retards to take care of.




Sarah Palin, the lying cunt Vice-Presidential nominee from Alaska, now has another retarded person in her life to take care of; Senator John McCain. Last night ABC news aired an interview by Charles Gibson in which the Senator was asked about Palin's credentials. Here is one of his answers (ver-fucking-batim). 

Gibson: Can you honestly say you feel confident having someone who hasn't travelled outside of the United States until last year dealing with an insurgent Russia, with an Iran with nuclear ambitions, with an unstable Pakistan? Not to mention the war on terror? 

McCain: Sure.  And one of the key elements of America's security requirements are energy. She understands the energy issues better than anyone I know in Washington, D.C. And she understands that Alaska is right next to Russia. She understands that. 

HA-HA-HA!!! Are you joking? She understands that Alaska is next to Russia? Oh thank God she understands that. What an accomplishment. I think her four month old Downs-syndrome child understand that. What the fuck kind of answer is that? It's embarrassing. Well that sounds just like the kind of person we need to be second in command behind your decrepit ass, McCain. 

SIDE NOTE: The GOP convention has been full of lies. To see them side-by-side with the facts that disprove what was said, read this nice, quick story here





Not too retarded.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Feces




A pile of horse shit


A pile of dog shit


A pile of rabbit shit



A pile of worthless shit





Not too shitty.