Friday, August 22, 2008

Your kid, your fucking problem. Deal with it, fuckhole.


Whoa, whoa, whoa. You gotta be fucking kidding me. You think you deserve a special spot in a parking lot because you made the dumb-ass choice to have a kid? This spot was actually closer to the storefront entrance than the spots reserved for the handicapped.  Seriously--your ugly ass deserves a break more than the soldier just back from Iraq who lost his leg in the fucking desert?  Let's see--the selfless veteran who served his country against the selfish bitch who needed a child because she's bored with her husband's cock and needs a distraction?  Fuck you and your child-bearing hole.   From what I can see, most mothers with infants could use a little exercise--maybe a few extra steps in the parking lot would help your husband forget the bloody head emerging from your stretched va-high-na and overlook the cobwebby stretch marks gracing your belly, fatty.  




Not too jealous of motherhood.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The August "People Who Should Have Been Aborted" post



This is the first in a series of monthly posts making the case for very, very, extremely late-term abortions. 


The following people should've been aborted long ago but thanks to science (and coat-hangers) it's still not too late.

Tyler Perry

This guy is funny? How can anyone think that? He's a bland, awful "humorist."  He'd be a lot funnier if he became a blended blob of goo in the bottom of some doctor's trash can in 1969. 


Pete Wentz

What in the FUCK has he and his pouty fucking puss face ever contributed to society? Shittier than shit music? Abort him. 



Pat Robertson

This piece of shit has wiped his dirty asshole with the U.S. constitution so many times. The scary part is, he's made an impact. Every one of his followers should be aborted too, probably, but once he's gone maybe they'll see the light. Speaking of which,  I'm gonna pray now. Dear Lord, oh heavenly father, please, please, please make it possible for Pat Robertson to crawl back inside his mother's vagina so that I may then beat her belly with an aluminum bat like a piƱata until a bloody Pat oozes out onto the floor. Amen. 



Nobes

Yes even me (as seen above watching tv on a typical Thursday night) probably should have been aborted. I'm sure I'm not the first to think this. I'm fairly certain many of you, after reading this post, will think I should be aborted immediately. And I'm pretty sure my mom wished I'd been aborted many times as well over the years. It's probably why she made toys for me out of wire coat-hangers when I was little. She was hoping I'd do it myself. 



(NOTE: I chose, and will continue to choose,  famous people for this list because, quite frankly, it would be hard to get pictures of the people I run into in everyday life that should have been aborted. Like that fat waddling fuck I just encountered on the street who was so unaware of her surroundings- probably because she was dreaming of creamy cakes- to move out of the way of the horde of people stuck behind her fat, slow, ambling ass. An abortion for all the slow fucks out there would be nice. It's the only thing in their lazy, inconsiderate lives that would be over quickly.)



Not too aborty. 



Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Douche Fucking Bag


You know who deserves to have their entrails ripped out and fed back to them? Anyone who ever -EVER - wears a Thelonious Monk t-shirt. You fucking pretentious bullshitting shitter. Fuck you. You don't like that fucking music, just admit it. Black, white, Asian, I don't care what you are, the bottom line is you are a fucking pompous joke. Suck it, you phonies. 


Not too stolen from Spanish Johnny

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Eww, it's a monster! Kill it! Kill it!!!



Well, kill the one on the right anyway.

Hooray for China! They chose a cute little girl with a perfect smile to represent their country instead of a crooked-toothed hideous monster. Guess what, little girl, you learned a good lesson today; life sucks. Especially for ugly people. Although in all fairness, the crooked toothed girl isn't ugly at all. She's still cute. But guess what, lesson number two is no matter how good-looking you are, there's always someone better looking. And they're going to beat you every time. Doesn't matter if they can't sing. Or talk. Or even wipe themselves properly. The world is shallow and will appreciate beauty over all else every time, so grow the fuck up and get used to losing, loser. 

The other, more interesting slant on this story is how people, particularly in the U.S., are so up in arms over this offense by China.  Guess what assholes, China has murdered, oppressed and otherwise destroyed the lives of millions of people. But nooooo, let's get all upset because the little girl's feelings were probably hurt because she was deemed too ugly to be on the tellyvision. You gotta be fucking kidding me. Is this really so worthy of public outcry? I can hear some mother in Wisconsin right now whining about how detrimental this experience will be to that little girl. What that mother will neglect to add is "just like when I was a little girl and the kids called me Fatty McFattenfat." Yes, everyone is transferring the hurt feelings they experienced as a kid  into this little girl. But of course she's not even remotely in the same situation they were in as a child. In fact, little miss crocodile-mouth is lucky to be alive. Most little girls are killed in China before they even have the chance to be overlooked for some prettier girl. The infanticide rate for females in China is unbelievably high (I know, I checked one source.). And yet, no one in America says a thing about that. And how about how China treats their  very own Olympic athletes? The government literally plucks these kids from their homes - when they're as young as 3 years-old- and whisks them away to train day-in and day-out for the next 13 years. And life is so fucking bad there that the parents agree to it because it means they'll get treated a little better, maybe get an extra loaf of fucking bread for themselves. America says nothing. So I think everyone needs to relax about the little semi-cute kid being put behind a curtain to hide her jagged fucking freak teeth. She's going to be fine. When she grows up, I'm sure she'll be delighted to clean the asshole of the cuter girl's dog for a living. 


Not too infanticidey. 

Monday, August 11, 2008

Didn't they already invent one of these?


Yeah, in high school it was called a marching-band uniform.


Scientists closer to developing invisibility cloak                           
AP Associated Press
Scientists say they are a step closer to developing materials that could render people and objects invisible.

Researchers have demonstrated for the first time they were able to cloak three-dimensional objects using artificially engineered materials that redirect light around the objects. Previously, they only have been able to cloak very thin two-dimensional objects.

The findings, by scientists at the University of California, Berkeley, led by Xiang Zhang, are to be released later this week in the journals Nature and Science.

The new work moves scientists a step closer to hiding people and objects from visible light, which could have broad applications, including military ones.




Not too topical.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Just watch this fuckin' show already!

I'm desperate for new entertainment these days. TV pretty much blows. So I'm forced to watch the few really good shows that were deemed too good for dumb fuck American viewers so they were cancelled. Like, say, Mr. Show. Or, Arrested Development.

Well now I have struck a new comedy gold mine. It is the hit Canadian show called "Trailer Park Boys" and it's one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen. Like most good shows (Simpson's, Seinfeld) this show took a little time to get really good. I recommend you begin with season 3. If you like it as much as I do, you'll surely want to go back and see the first two seasons.

How do I explain Trailer Park Boys? Crude, would be one way. They say fuck way more than I do, God bless 'em. And it's shot "cinema verite" style so it feels like a "mockumentary." But very rarely do they acknowledge the cameras following them around. It's not like that shitty pile of shitness known as the American version of "The Office" where Jim and Pam look at the cameras constantly. And it's actually brilliantly funny, unlike The Office. So basically it's the story these three guys living in a trailer park in Canada. They drink, smoke, steal, grow weed, scheme and go to jail. In fact, at the beginning of each season the boys get out of jail and at the end of each season, they go back. Don't worry, I'm not ruining anything for you by telling you this. Besides, the guys love jail. They literally think of it like summer camp. They do have a nemesis, of course, and he is equally as brilliant as them. And like any great show (ie The Simpsons) the supporting characters are just as funny as the main characters. I'm not really doing it any justice. In fact, I'm making it sound not funny at all. If you don't trust me, check out this clip right here. The only pre-sell I'm going to give you about this clip is that the character "Bubbles" does not always have a puppet on his hand. It was in this episode only and the puppet was evil. Oh, and Ricky, the one with a rag glued to his nose, fiercely hates "Conky" the puppet.




Seasons 1-5 are available on Netflix. And all seven seasons can be bought on Amazon. I've purchased them all except the "Dope & Liquor Christmas special." I'm saving that for the holidays.


AVOID TRAILER PARK BOYS: THE MOVIE. It blows.


Not too fuckin' funny, eh?

Monday, August 4, 2008

Mmm...dried apricots



So I was flying home from California a few weeks ago and there was a three year-old kid in front of me. But guess what, that wasn’t the problem. Actually, there was no problem at all on the flight until we landed. The plane taxied to the terminal and stopped. Of course, everyone immediately jumped into action to grab their bags from the overhead compartment as if the plane were on fire. Even the people around me did it and we were in row fucking 32 of 35. I mean, fuck people, I don’t care how fast the d-bags in first class move (and they won’t) you’re not getting off any faster because you were the first one to retrieve your bag. It’s not a God-damned contest. Just fucking relax. You’ll get off when the stewardesses (that’s right you old fucking bags, you’re stewardesses not “attendants”) say you can get off.

(Sidebar: I stand corrected. There was a problem and it happened when we were on the ground in L.A. The stewardesses were going around checking the cabin for take off when I politely asked one “Excuse me, can you tell me how many rows there are between me and the emergency exit? I forgot to count on my way in,” I sheepishly continued. This fucking monster of a whore, old bag of used up cockpit rubbers (huh?) told me tersely “I don’t know, count them.” I was totally flabbergasted. First of all, I’m a fucking pussy when I fly, I’ll admit it. I’m convinced the plane is doomed every time. So in my extensive research preparing for a crash I’ve always heard from all the experts that knowing how many rows there are between you and the emergency exit can literally save your life. How in the fuck does this dried apricot cunt not know that? Or respect that? Fuck her. Second, it’s hard to count the rows when you’re fucked up on 30 milligrams of valium. I couldn’t accurately count the rows. I figured she’s on planes all the time, she should know. And, quite honestly, she should praise me for my diligence. It could only help her in the case of an accident. You know, after all those years of dangerous flying, I hope she gets off her final flight safely, sheds a tear as the crew bids her farewell and then joyously leaves the airport, only to be crushed by a Hertz bus as she steps off the curb to go to her car. Hertz, bitch, don’t it? (not too witty)

Anyfuckingway, like I was saying, the rest of the flight was quite pleasant. Until we got to the gate in Boston. The little kid was understandably squirmy. So, in a ridiculously transparent effort to share her pain with the rest of the people on board, she propped her little man up on the seat so he could marvel everyone with his amazing cuteness. (Note: he was not cute). The amazing thing was, everyone took the bait. They started asking him his name and how old he was. He said he was “three and a quarter.” Three and a quarter!! Oh how adorable. Everyone laughed like they’d never heard such a thing! Oh my how precocious. The mother beamed, stupid whore that she was. I stared at the kid with death eyes, hoping he’d see only those black holes in my head and not everyone’s joyous faces. But he didn’t. And good thing too, it really wasn’t his fault. These people were eating out of his hands. So then the kid starts saying “are we here?” And then repeats it ad nauseam until one guy – a guy I’d like to see burned alive – says “Yep. It’s all because of you that we made it.” This seemed to please the kid. Of course, it sent my eyes rolling so far back in my head I could see my asshole. Mind you, this guy was not related to the kid, which would’ve made the comment annoying but less so. No, this guy was a complete stranger. And he felt the need to make this kid feel like the Messiah, why?? The extra sickening part was that everyone agreed, just to appease this little faggot. I mean, what the fuck, is this the kid from the Twilight Zone movie? You know the one, where he gets everything he wants and his parents walk on eggshells around him because he has the ability to turn them into monsters and shit? Oh never mind, it’s a dumb reference. Anyway, let’s all take it easy on kids these days, okay? They’re not getting enough attention and praise. They probably have no idea they are loved. Oh the poor kids of today, it must be so hard for them.



Not too apricotty.