Monday, April 27, 2009

The HypoChrists

The amazing website "Focus on the Family" has done it again. They have shown me the light!! Here are their thoughts on how greedy corporations utilize questionable marketing strategies to get your kids to buy their products. Hmmm, I smell some serious hypocritical shit coming on. I now present to you their words verbatim.  My comments are in red, obviously. 

Marketing Strategies. 

Advertisers know the possible long-term benefits of marketing to kids. Here are several of their strategies (which we employ, embrace and fully abuse in the Catholic church)

Corporations research kids’ fantasies, artwork and behavior to understand what techniques will best affect them. (Yeah, that's how you market shit, dickweeds. Why does Focus on the Family try to make this practice seem so insidious? Like marketers are violating your children's rights. Oh wait, that's right, only their priests can do that with their touchy-feely hands and mouths. What the fuck?)

Children like to collect things. Some notable companies have capitalized on this by making a variety of products and then convincing kids that they have to obtain them all. Pokémon and Ty Beanie Babies are two corporations who have been especially good at this technique. (Ummm, maybe you should look within your own web store, Focus on the Family. )

Toy companies personify their stuffed animals and dolls, giving them names and birthdays. (December 25th anyone?) This strategy allows kids to connect with their toys as if they were real. (Not at all like the "Armor of God" bear they sell. See photo below)

Clubs for kids are a great way of gaining brand loyalty because children enjoy feeling like they belong. Examples of such clubs include Disney, Burger King, MTV (Church school) and Nickelodeon. Kids are exposed constantly to advertising at school. (But never at Church. No, we would never do that. Oh by the way, have you seen the posters in the hall encouraging you to go to our institute? Yeah, ignore those.) 

“Kidfluence” or “pester power” — marketing lingo encourages kids to influence their parents’ spending. (Pssst, kids. Check out "Holy Land" in Orlando!) 

“Buzz marketing” or “street marketing” refers to companies’ efforts to get popular kids in a neighborhood to wear or use their products, thus automatically making their merchandise fashionable. (But not like this WWJD bracelet we sell)

“Cross-selling” is when two or more companies advertise each other’s products to reach a broader audience. For example, Burger King made a deal with the makers of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Before the movie came out, Burger King promoted the characters. In return, Burger King was included in the movie. Cross-selling is a more complicated version of licensing. (VeggieTales anyone?)

Marketers of teen movies and video games pursue children by advertising violent action toys.
Although kids aren’t supposed to be allowed to watch them, PG-13 and R-rated movies are marketed directly to children under 17. (Thank goodness there's no violence or sex in the Bible.) 

The "Armor of God" bear (available on the Focus on the Family web store ) includes "a parents' guide to help introduce and reinforce Christian values. Recommended for ages 3 and up." Enough said.

Oh and just in case you think I'm unfairly picking on this wonderful organization that only wants to help people become better human beings, check this article out, yo!

Not too going to Hell. 

Monday, April 20, 2009

Ah Patriots' Day. When a young man's thoughts turn to freedom, liberty and kicking children in the face.

Any child who is afraid of dogs should be kicked in the face with steel-tipped boots. That way, instead of cute little dogs, it will be humans (and boots) that will paralyze them with fear. Which makes sense because dogs are friendly about 95% of the time, whereas humans are friendly about 70% of the time, conservatively. So naturally, your queer little kid should be taught to fear humans, not dogs. Next time your kid cries when he sees a friendly dog approach tell him to stop being such a fucking pussy. Don't coddle him and make it think this extremely gay behavior is okay. If that fails, kick him in the face. You'll be doing all of us a favor. 

Not too patrioty

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The most condescending interview of all-time.

The fucking furor over this woman's performance is ridiculous. If she wasn't a hideous troll, Diane Sawyer wouldn't even be interviewing her, Simon Cowell wouldn't be raising his eyebrows at her, and that hot little bitch judge certainly wouldn't be doing that "oh my God!" face. I love how that blond cunt looks at her like "how could this be? How could she be talented in any way? She's ugly!" (see clip below) 

What the fuck is wrong with this world? Why is everyone so amazed that Susan Boyle has a beautiful singing voice? Because she's ugly? It's so fucking demeaning. Of course she can have talent. She's just like anyone else. Just a lot, well, more disturbing to look at. But the masses eat it up. They think they are being nice. It's this false niceness that is totally selfish and only serves to make the person acting "generous" feel better. The fact that a daily news show is even doing a story on this woman is so unbelievably pathetic. Then again so is the fact that I call Good Morning America a "daily news show." But still not as pathetic as the people who think they are being so bighearted by accepting- nay, praising- her. Did you hear that audience cheering like she just queefed out the Star Spangled Banner (what, you wouldn't cheer madly for that?) after she sang one friggin' note? Of course, I'm not naive, I'm pretty sure the producers added in that ridiculously over-enthusiastic cheering sound extra early in her performance. But the shots of the audience still tell a tale. They really pity Susan Boyle but are so afraid of their feelings that they then over-compensate to the point of embarrassment. It's like all these fucking condescending Christians who go to cancer wards in hospitals and talk about the glory of heaven with kids who are staring death in the face. You think your little made up fairy tale about a kingdom in the clouds is gonna cheer those kids up? Fuck you. And to all those people who look at Susan Boyle and say "awww, she's so talented. Isn't that great?" Fuck you too. You are all uglier on the inside than she will ever be on her fat, hideous, God-awful outside. 

Not too goblin-y

You fat fucking fuck!

When I, as a licensed driver of a motor vehicle, give you permission to cross the street in front of my car, you'd damn fucking well better make a God damned effort to do it in a timely fashion. Don't you dare stroll like it's your God-given right. Move your fat fucking ass now, you filthy pig! Don't dawdle (in your case, waddle) and check your e-mail on your faggoty-assed PDA. Just cross the street quickly, okay? Okay, thank you. You fat tub of useless shit. 

(Note: this is not the fat fucking whore who 
lumbered across the street this morning but 
it is a close facsimile)                                                                                                                                                                                              

Not too faggoty. 

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

What's up, faggots? I'm back!!!!


Not too typical of a Sunday afternoon at my house. 

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Wow. Does this prove how fucking dumb NASCAR fans (and republicans) are or what?

April Fooled: NASCAR Hoax Causes Web Frenzy
by Claudine Zap
April 1, 2009 03:05:41 PM

Sure, April Fools' Day comes but once a year, and some silly stories have been making the rounds. (Stairmasters in the NYC subway? Brad and Angelina married? Really? No.) But one thing is now clear: Keep the jokes away from NASCAR.

All Car and Driver magazine tried to do was drive a little levity into the auto industry bailout with a prank. The serious publication ran a joke story that announced that Obama had ordered Chevrolet and Dodge out of NASCAR if they wanted to keep their federal funds. For a brief web-fueled moment, NASCAR fans had to imagine a future of cheering on Japanese cars. Or worse, French ones. The horror.

Immediately, the Internet went crazy, with searches on "obama nascar" accelerating in Search and zooming across Twitter. Although the story was clearly marked a hoax, Car and Driver eventually pulled the fake story and apologized for going "too far."

Not to worry, NASCAR fans: Nobody's pulling out of NASCAR. Yet. As Automobile magazine's blog noted nervously, "Let's just hope that the auto task force doesn't read this and get any ideas."

Wow. You fucking retarded fucks. NASCAR could not be a bigger waste of time and money. I hope you all die in NASty CAR accidents. Tee-hee.

Why won't this fucking bitch release this song?

First of all, this ad blows. I only want you to listen to the song. Fucking sweet, right? Well, this whore, Cat Power- whose real name is Chan (pronounced "Shawn." Not too annoying and pretentious) Marshall- has a beautiful, sultry voice, writes amazing original songs and does brilliant covers of songs. She also happens to be a stubborn cunt. She did this incredible version of David Bowie's "Space Oddity" and now won't release it for her fans to enjoy. What an asshole.