In the elevator today, I heard - surprise - yet another fucking mundane, predictable conversation. Why do people suddenly become Corky when they get inside an elevator? Here's the conversation two normally intelligent women had.
GIRL1: It's so gross out today.
GIRL2: I KNOW!
GIRL1: Uggh, this day can't be over fast enough.
GIRL2: This week has been the longest week ever.
Now, the irony of me talking about how people are such cliches by using the old, cliched example of elevator chatter is not lost on me. However, I'm writing this blog and you're merely reading it, so suck it. Besides, my point isn't so much what people are saying but what people are not saying. It's too bad we can't say what's really on our minds in elevators (I smell a Seinfeld bit coming on!) . Or anywhere for that matter. So here are a few conversation starters for anyone who wants to be a little less predictable and a little more "real" in an elevator.
1) "My your cock looks magnificent today." - What fucking guy wouldn't want to hear this compliment? And yes, it would be a compliment. Guys are shallow and insecure (soooo different from the ladies!) and would love to hear this. Which begs the question, why would you gals recoil at someone saying "Your jugs look so fucking good today"? Okay, replace "jugs" with the more sensitive "boobs." Either way you'd probably call the cops. Yet if you said "fuck your package looks sweet" guys would beam with pride. Boy I guess women really are from Venus and men are from Mars. Ha-ha, am I right? Hello? Is anyone still here?
2) "I can see your asshole in those pants."- If a complete stranger said this to me, I would instantly love them. I would also be unable to catch my breath from laughing so hard.
3) "Oh hi, Janice. Hey, I heard your kid is a faggot." -May be slightly offensive, I guess.
4) "Have you been reading Mega Superior Gold lately? My god is that guy funny. And hot." - No explanation necessary, just give the Kid a fucking break, okay?
5) "Nothing would make me happier than to punch all of you in the genitals right now." -A great way to get the elevator all to yourself. And people would be talking about it all day.
6) "This week has been the longest week ever!" - I guess my point is just as retarded as the conversations I speak about. You can't really say that shit out loud. People will look at you funny. And call the cops. It's a shame though. Because elevator rides could be so much more entertaining if people would loosen up and not take everything so seriously. What a bunch of faggots you all are.
Not too going nowhere.
2 comments:
The only thing longer than this week is my cock -- after reading your genius post. Now, I'm not implying that after reading "Your Cock Looks Magnificent" I stretched my penis using a device known simply as The Penis Pump. I'm not suggesting that at all, Mega Superior Gold. I'm merely insinuating that I became aroused while reading your witty prose, particularly the line, "Hey, I heard your kid is a faggot." Johnny's still laughing at that one. You, sir, have the goods.
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