More of the funniest website of all-time

The site, www.focusonthefamily.com  is a goldmine. The founder, James Dobson, is a fucking crackpot Jesus freak, self-loathing homo who thinks homosexuality is a sinful choice. According to the always reliable and accurate Wikipedia, Dobson is so vehemently against the gay lifestyle that he accused Spongebob Squarepants of being a shill for the homosexual community. Check this out: "In the winter of 2004-2005, the We Are Family Foundation sent American elementary schools approximately 60,000 copies of a free DVD using popular cartoon characters (most notably Sponge Bob) to "promote tolerance and diversity." Dobson contended that "tolerance and diversity" are "buzzwords" that the We Are Family Foundation misused as part of a hidden agenda to promote homosexuality. The New York Times noted Dobson asserting: "tolerance and its first cousin, diversity, 'are almost always buzzwords for homosexual advocacy.'" Umm, guess what, Mr. Dobson? You are fucking gay! You've been denying it your whole life. But you can't fight it when you see those choir boys in your church kneel down and open their mouths for that wafer, huh? At that moment, even at your advanced age, I'm sure your dick gets hard as a fucking rock. I am positive at some point- and probably a lot more than I can even imagine- Dobson has had hardcore gay sex. He will burn in hell, if there is one. Not for being gay, of course, but for denying being gay and for making so many poor fucking kids/adults afraid to come out. And for teaching intolerance and what is essentially gay-bashing. What a fucking dick hole. 

 

Anyway, here's a fun little article on parenting from Dobson's website. Enjoy. 

Are You a Pinocchio Parent?
by Shana Schutte


Do you remember Pinocchio, the little wooden boy carved from a piece of pine by the woodcarver, Geppetto? (Mind you, this article is meant for parents, not children and already it's starting off so fucking condescending.) Even though Pinocchio dreamt of becoming a real boy, there was very little real about him – except that he had a nasty habit of lying. Whenever he lied, his nose grew. If he told a whopper, it grew very long, while a little white lie caused only a little growth. (Of course Dobson loves this story. A little boy made of "wood" whose nose grows? I mean, could it be any more about getting erections?)

According to Dr. Chuck Borsellino (Never trust anyone with that first name) , the author of Pinocchio Parenting (what a gay title) , many adults suffer from Pinocchio's problem. No, they're not blatant liars, and their noses don't grow (No way! Really?), but they use false clichés to teach their kids, which can be problematic.

Before you think you couldn't possibly be a "Pinocchio Parent," check out these four common lies that adults tell their children (One of them is that the Earth was created 4,000 years ago, right?). While people may repeat these untruths at any time, I've broken them down by ages and stages for extra insight. (Ooh, I can't wait for Shana's amazing insight)

Early Stages (0-3)
"Yes, Honey, there is a Santa Claus."

During the Christmas holidays, tiny tots all over the United States (yes, only in the United States, because everywhere else the heathens wait for a giant monkey to deliver their toys)  gather in shopping malls to sit on Santa's lap. Soon, with a little coaching from Mom and Dad, our littlest citizens believe in the magic man in the red hat and long, white flowing beard. (No, instead we must teach them that this holiday about about a magic man with long hair and a white flowing beard who sees you when you sleep and knows when you've been good or bad. And you have to pray to him every Sunday or else he'll make sure you burn in a pit of fire when you die.)

You might be thinking, OK, wait a minute! What's wrong with Santa? He is part of the magic of Christmas. Granted, many people agree that there isn't anything wrong with St. Nick, including Dr. Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family. "I wouldn't take that away from early childhood. My kids loved Santa." (So what's your fucking point, asshole?)

While Dr. Borsellino agrees with Dobson that play and fantasy are a fun (and sexy!) part of childhood, the main lesson parents should glean from Santa is to be "careful telling your kids anything that you'll have to un-tell them later." (Like "mommy and daddy love each other very much" or "Daddies always feed kids with their special milking hose when mommy's boobies dry up.")

Discovery Years (ages 4-7)
"What's on the inside is what matters." (Especially with vaginas)

The first time that Julia came home from middle school crying because her classmates ridiculed her about her "elephant-size" ears, her mother tried to comfort her by saying, "Sweetheart, it's what's on the inside that matters." ("Take mommy, for instance.  I am rotting on the inside because every dream I ever had for myself died when you emerged from my swollen hole. That's when I got a new identity called 'mommy' and I stopped being myself. But it's okay because the role of 'mommy' is so liberating and completely unique to my existence. Hold on, Dear, while I put this gun in my mouth and blow my brains out.")

While this sounds like a good argument because what's on the inside does matter to God, the truth is that we in the United States have a beauty bias. And, according to Borsellino, "We lie [to our kids] when we don't face that." (You know what, I can't argue with this. Damn! If your kid is fugly, you'd better prepare them for the life of abuse, lies and disappointment that awaits them. But first you have to admit your kid is ugly. Come to your fucking senses, people. I know you think your kid is beautiful but, guess what, every parent thinks that. You know that ugly girl in middle school that you made fun of for having a huge forehead? Yeah her mom though she was beautiful. So take a close look at your kid. Think about the odds. Notice how many good looking people you see in a day versus how many ugly fuckers you see. Get the point? The odds are against you and your ugly kid. Best start preparing them now. )

What can a parent do when teens, especially girls, are demoralized by the world's message that you don't matter if you don't look like a movie star? While a parent does not want to emphasize outward appearances, Borsellino believes parents should teach kids to make the most of what God gave them ("accentuate the tits," Borsellino suggested.) . "If the barn door needs painting, paint it," (not too sexually suggestive) he says. We should also eat healthy and exercise to take care of our bodies. Of course, making the most of our outward appearance should never be done at the expense of faith or character. (So no "Cum on Jesus" tattoo above the ass crack?) 

Tween Ages (ages 8-12)
"The best things in life are free."

When your children start to grow, it's natural for you to want to teach them to be grateful. You want them to value the little things in life, right? For this reason, just about every parent tells their kids, "The best things in life are free."

While this may sound good, the question is this: when is the last time you really valued something that was free? (But wait, I'm confused, this seems very un-Christian) It's probably been a long time, or it may have never happened. The truth is that anything that is worth something costs something. It costs courage, dedication, money, sacrifice or relational commitment. (Oh wow, my mind is officially blown! What a twist! This is better than anything that Hitchcock or M. Night Shyamalan could come up with.)

The college graduate who studied for years will tell you they value their diploma. The husband and wife who have worked their way out of a deep marital ditch will tell you that a healthy marriage isn't free. The young pastor who works two jobs to keep his congregation afloat will say that it costs dedication (and a lot of money to settle all those kid raping cases. Damn loud-mouthed little faggots!).

So you see, the truth is that the best things in life aren't free, and according to Dr. Borsellino, "Whatever you earn cheaply, you will also value to the same degree." No doubt, this is a great truth to teach your kids. (And be sure when they ask "mommy, was I free" that you tell them the fucking reality; "No, Billy, you were not free. Mommy had to give up her dreams, her body and her sexuality for you. And Daddy had to give up being attracted to mommy and 10 years off of his retirement and that's why he sees a whore now.") 

Teen Phases (ages 13-18)
"You can be anything you want to be."

When parents want to encourage their teens about finding a career they often say, "You can be anything you want to be." Is it a lie? Absolutely. (And because you've properly trained your children to take everything they see, hear and read literally, like the Bible, 

"The truth is, if you're 4'9 (and white) ," says Borsellino, "you can't play in the NBA."It is also true that we have more opportunities in the United States (if you're white) than just about anywhere else in the world, but no one can be whatever they want. A skilled engineer will probably go crazy trying to write a book, and an artist would most likely go bananas if she had to crunch numbers for a living. Yes, God has given everyone gifts, but no one has every gift. (So- in an effort to encourage and motivate your little cunt kids definitely don't tell them they should "reach for the stars", because that's utter bullshit. How could they possibly reach the stars? They are millions of miles away! Could these Christians be any more literal? Okay, sure, you can't be anything you want in life but should you stop them from trying? I don't think anyone- even the kids who hear that phrase- are taking it literally. But then again, we are talking about Christians here. They think a man turned water into wine and that's a fucking FACT!!!!)

Rather than tell kids they can be whatever they want, Dr. Borsellino suggests that parents ask themselves, "What kind of gifts and talents can I fertilize in my children?" (Wait, say that last sentence again, I want to lube up.)  In other words, how can I encourage growth of the particular gifts, talents and bents that God has placed in each of my children? Parents should also teach their kids to strive for excellence by doing their best with whatever skills and talents God has given them (But what if that talent just happens to be giving the most exquisite blow jobs? What then? I don't mean every day, run-of-the-mill blow jobs. I mean like the best fucking head on the planet. What if that was the one skill your [over 18 years old, you fucking animals!] kid was given? Someone's gotta have it, right? Spanish Johnny?)

Most importantly, Borsellino wants his readers to know that the most dangerous lie is not one we tell our kids, but the one we tell ourselves. It's when we say, "I don’t matter." (Huh? Who the fuck says this?) No doubt, this lie will rob parents who believe it of their ability to parent effectively.

The greatest proof that we do matter is the cross (yes, an instrument of torture and unthinkable pain is all the proof I need.) Through Christ's act of unconditional love, God said, "You mean the world to me, even if the world says you don't matter." (So, why does your faggot doctor infer that saying "I don't matter" is the worst lie of all?) Not only is this one of the greatest truths that parents should embrace, but it's one they can share with their children, at any age or stage. (Yes, definitely try sitting down with your 15 year old and share this with them. I'm sure it will mean so much and make a huge difference in their life.)

By the way, for the record, I am not anti-Christian but I am anti-preaching. Go make sense of that.

Not too evaginacal.

PS> Say "hi" to your mother for me, okay?