Ha-ha-ha-ha! A kid fell off a chair next me!

So I was eating in Panera the other day when a little girl fell off her chair and hurt herself. Now, take it easy, I'm not that sadistic. I don't find kids getting hurt to be funny (most of the time). What I DO find funny, however, is how fucking retarded many parents act when their kid does get hurt. Now on this particular occasion, this little girl was being a bit of a pain in the ass so she kinda had it coming to her, thus the slight smile on my face that broke out when she fell. The kid could not sit still in her chair. She was about 4-5 years-old, and she just had to move around constantly, jumping up and down and rocking in the chair. I kinda understand this. I can barely sit still when I'm eating with my family too. But when I was a kid, my mom would tell me to "stop fidgeting!" and give me the almighty forearm pinch to prove she meant business. I was still as a corpse after that. But parents these days wouldn't dream of doing that. Not to their best little friend in the world! Uggh, grow up, assholes. Your kid is not your friend. But I digress.  

So as usual, this little girl's parents were either sick and tired of her or they were so enamored of their child (more likely) that they wouldn't dream of telling her to sit still and act like a human being living in a civilized society. "Oh no, we would never stifle her like that!"  So naturally, the kid fell. Hard. She fell back in her chair and landed on her wrist and immediately started crying. God, I can hardly write about it without laughing out loud. OH RELAX, I'm fucking kidding. I was not happy when she started crying. Not because I felt sorry for her, mind you, but because I knew what was soon to follow. The unbelievable over-reaction from the parents. And like clockwork, it came. Just to help set the scene, this kid was at a table with her mother, father and the mother's friend who was there with her 2 year-old. As soon as the girl fell, the mother went straight into perhaps the funniest part of the whole ritual,  panic mode.  "Oh my God," she exclaimed. Ummm, the kid fell less than 15 inches, calm the fuck down, Sweetie. The father continued to eat, alert to the situation but unmoved. The mom swooped up the girl and propped her up on her lap. The girl immediately stopped crying. Situation over, right? Oh fuck no! Not in a million years. Surely little Aubry has stopped crying because she is going into hypovolemic shock. (It's a word, look it up!) Her lack of tears and heavy sobbing must betray the splintered bones and shattered cartilage within! So the mom took a handful of ice from her drink and applied it to the kid's completely unharmed wrist. Again, I can hardly type this without laughing out loud. What a joke! The girl wasn't even hurt in the least and here the mom was applying ice (from her scummy drink, no less!). Classic. All the while this is happening, the other woman, the friend, is sitting silent. Either embarrassed as hell or so totally immersed in her precious 2 tear-old to even care about her friend's child's injury. Either way,  I hate her. She came there purely to talk about "mothering" with her friend and I find that absolutely detestable. Two (or more) mothers getting together to discuss being a mother and how hard it is but yet soooooo rewarding, never realizing that they've completely lost their real identities. They no longer are "Sarah" or "Meghan" that their husband fell in love with. Now they are "Mom." Sweet, just what every guy wants to fuck. Anyhooooooo, back to Panera Bread and the girl without an injury. So now the dad decides it's time to get involved. He gets up and takes a look at the girl's arm. He analyzes it for a moment and then says - and this is the best fucking part!- "hmmm, is that where you hit it or is that a mosquito bite?" He said this without a bit of irony or humor. He was dead-serious. HA-HA!!! Are you kidding me? This mom is freaking out over a bump that they can't be sure isn't a mosquito bite? I was almost sad to finish my meal. Actually no, that's not true. It all seems funny now, but at the time, I was seething with furious rage. And this last little bit I'm about to tell you didn't help. So as my wife and I are leaving we overhear the parents discussing the safety of the chair. The mother was actually saying "well these chairs are so top heavy, I don't know..." Top heavy? Your God-damned fat-headed kid is top heavy, bitch! Don't get all lawsuity on Panera because you're kid couldn't sit still in it's seat and you didn't have the balls to tell it to cut it the fuck out. Fucking idiot. Fuck you!

Not too bready.