I'm back, faggots.

So who's waiting with baited breath to hear the latest Nobes rant? (cue the crickets chirping sound effects). Well, fuck you. I'm doing it anyway. Today I want to talk about how utterly useless you are. Yes you. Or, more accurately, that thing which defines you as a person. And, if you are like 95% of Americans, that would be your job. Do you really think your job is so important? Let me assure you, it's not. It's certainly not so important that you've got to be on your Blackberry (or crackberry as some nutsuckers call it) constantly? Or your gay bluetooth headset? In a fucking crowded elevator? Or on a treadmill in the gym? Or, and I swear I saw this the other day, on your bicycle while your supposedly out on a leisurely ride? Are you joking?  I so badly want to jam that fucking thing so deep in your ear that I reach a lobe of your useless brain. God that would be so satisfying. Just to watch someone die as a direct result of their bluetooth headset. 

Well my guess is, that happens a lot. I'm sure many fatal car accidents are caused by assholes on their phones. I could do research on that pretty easily but I don't want to. I know it's true. The point is, it's not the phones that are so annoying. It's the dickwarts who think they're so unbelievably important that they absolutely must be heard no matter where they are. I heard a guy today (and let me clarify here that I didn't OVERhear him. He was in my elevator speaking with more volume than if he were actually stuck in the elevator and had to communicate with outside rescue teams by yelling up the elevator shaft. So I wasn't eavesdropping) talking to someone in his office. What he was saying is of little significance. Not to the story. But to Life in general. What he was saying was so unbelievably mundane and meaningless but he tried to make it sound important. Of course he did, if he didn't make his job seem important he might actually realize what a useless piece of shit he really is in this world. Contributing nothing.

Fuck this. I don't have it in me today to continue this rant. I'm going to see Springsteen tomorrow night. I can't possibly be angry. 

Not too much of a waste of your time.  

Ha-ha-ha-ha! A kid fell off a chair next me!

So I was eating in Panera the other day when a little girl fell off her chair and hurt herself. Now, take it easy, I'm not that sadistic. I don't find kids getting hurt to be funny (most of the time). What I DO find funny, however, is how fucking retarded many parents act when their kid does get hurt. Now on this particular occasion, this little girl was being a bit of a pain in the ass so she kinda had it coming to her, thus the slight smile on my face that broke out when she fell. The kid could not sit still in her chair. She was about 4-5 years-old, and she just had to move around constantly, jumping up and down and rocking in the chair. I kinda understand this. I can barely sit still when I'm eating with my family too. But when I was a kid, my mom would tell me to "stop fidgeting!" and give me the almighty forearm pinch to prove she meant business. I was still as a corpse after that. But parents these days wouldn't dream of doing that. Not to their best little friend in the world! Uggh, grow up, assholes. Your kid is not your friend. But I digress.  

So as usual, this little girl's parents were either sick and tired of her or they were so enamored of their child (more likely) that they wouldn't dream of telling her to sit still and act like a human being living in a civilized society. "Oh no, we would never stifle her like that!"  So naturally, the kid fell. Hard. She fell back in her chair and landed on her wrist and immediately started crying. God, I can hardly write about it without laughing out loud. OH RELAX, I'm fucking kidding. I was not happy when she started crying. Not because I felt sorry for her, mind you, but because I knew what was soon to follow. The unbelievable over-reaction from the parents. And like clockwork, it came. Just to help set the scene, this kid was at a table with her mother, father and the mother's friend who was there with her 2 year-old. As soon as the girl fell, the mother went straight into perhaps the funniest part of the whole ritual,  panic mode.  "Oh my God," she exclaimed. Ummm, the kid fell less than 15 inches, calm the fuck down, Sweetie. The father continued to eat, alert to the situation but unmoved. The mom swooped up the girl and propped her up on her lap. The girl immediately stopped crying. Situation over, right? Oh fuck no! Not in a million years. Surely little Aubry has stopped crying because she is going into hypovolemic shock. (It's a word, look it up!) Her lack of tears and heavy sobbing must betray the splintered bones and shattered cartilage within! So the mom took a handful of ice from her drink and applied it to the kid's completely unharmed wrist. Again, I can hardly type this without laughing out loud. What a joke! The girl wasn't even hurt in the least and here the mom was applying ice (from her scummy drink, no less!). Classic. All the while this is happening, the other woman, the friend, is sitting silent. Either embarrassed as hell or so totally immersed in her precious 2 tear-old to even care about her friend's child's injury. Either way,  I hate her. She came there purely to talk about "mothering" with her friend and I find that absolutely detestable. Two (or more) mothers getting together to discuss being a mother and how hard it is but yet soooooo rewarding, never realizing that they've completely lost their real identities. They no longer are "Sarah" or "Meghan" that their husband fell in love with. Now they are "Mom." Sweet, just what every guy wants to fuck. Anyhooooooo, back to Panera Bread and the girl without an injury. So now the dad decides it's time to get involved. He gets up and takes a look at the girl's arm. He analyzes it for a moment and then says - and this is the best fucking part!- "hmmm, is that where you hit it or is that a mosquito bite?" He said this without a bit of irony or humor. He was dead-serious. HA-HA!!! Are you kidding me? This mom is freaking out over a bump that they can't be sure isn't a mosquito bite? I was almost sad to finish my meal. Actually no, that's not true. It all seems funny now, but at the time, I was seething with furious rage. And this last little bit I'm about to tell you didn't help. So as my wife and I are leaving we overhear the parents discussing the safety of the chair. The mother was actually saying "well these chairs are so top heavy, I don't know..." Top heavy? Your God-damned fat-headed kid is top heavy, bitch! Don't get all lawsuity on Panera because you're kid couldn't sit still in it's seat and you didn't have the balls to tell it to cut it the fuck out. Fucking idiot. Fuck you!

Not too bready. 

Why doesn't anybody smile anymore?

Life is good? No, life is fucking awesome, people. Let's try to remember that. God, why must everyone always be so negative? 

Not too ironic. 

Kudos, you fat fuck.

So you're not going to believe this but tonight I'm praising a parent. I can't believe it either. Took me totally by surprise.  You see, tonight my wife and I went out to a local pizza joint. We were the only people in there until a couple with their two year-old daughter walked in. I immediately felt a shiver go down my spine. They sat themselves right next to us. Doesn't this bitch read my blog? Apparently not. So anyway, they sat down and waited for their food to be delivered. The kid, as many two year-olds learning to speak often do, just started squealing  in that high-pitched tone of annoyance that could cause send an Amish person into a murderous rage. So, I'm thinking "fuck, this dinner is ruined. This little douche is not going to shut up. And her parents certainly aren't going to tell her to stop or, better yet, punch her in the gut." But then it happened. The mother spoke up and said "Shhh, honey. Other people are trying to eat in here. We have to be quiet." 

WHAT???

Holeee fuck. My jaw and it's accompanying two chins dropped. I was shocked and pleased. Wow. Some consideration. I could've kissed the lady. That is, if she weren't such a fat, ugly pig. But God bless her, she acted like a parent and controlled her child in an environment where a child should be controlled. Kudos to you, fatso. I'm very proud of you. And every other parent who acts similarly. 

Not too proud.

May your tiny lungs fill with water, depriving you of life, you worthless little dick.

Chance are, you are an asshole. And of course that means that chances are your kid is too. In fact, your kid is probably more of an asshole. Which greatly improves the chances of me wanting to kill him/her/It. When I'm sitting by a pool at, say, a hotel, attempting to relax, the last thing I want to hear is your waste-of-jizz kid screaming his tiny balls off. I would imagine, judging by how most of you ignore your kids, that's how you feel too. So why the FUCK won't you do anything about it? Why do you let your shitty little kids scream for fucking hours on end- at the top of their lungs in the pool? Which begs the question, why do kids scream so fucking loud in pools? Is chlorinated water so incredibly fucking rare? And it's not even the old "Marco-Polo" thing anymore. It's just fucking high-pitched, ridiculously loud screams. And "noodles." Oh my fucking God, the noodles. The gayest toy ever invented. Every kid sits there and rides the fucking thing like a giant, styrofoam dildo. You know how many shitty asses have touched those things? And yet, you let little Tommy ride his ass and balls all up and down that thing. It's so developmentally faggy. But then there's the little dickweeds who slap the noodles on the water, creating little mini gunshot sound effects. Yeah, that's a relaxing day by the pool. Listening to gunshots all day. By the end of one hour of this today, I was wincing and jerking after each noodle slap like I was a Vietnam vet. And yet you as a parent just sit there, ignoring your kids and their ability to ruin everyone else's enjoyment. Don't deny it, I watch you. Your precious, little pain in the balls kid could be drowning and you wouldn't even know it. Unfortunately, this rarely happens. It's never happened when I'm there anyway. The most I can hope for, I guess, is that the chlorine will burn their little retinas off. That would be sweet. But you go on reading your "Modern Cunt" magazines and talking to the other moms at the pool who are no longer interested in their children. Look, I get that pool time for kids is fun and you just want to exhaust them so maybe you can quietly weep as you finger yourself in the shower tonight to finish off what your husband started but couldn't complete but for God's sake please try to remember there are other people at the pool. Maybe, just once, you could act like a real adult and ask your kids to keep it down. It's okay, mommy and daddy, your kid can still have fun. You won't be depriving them of anything. Except, quite possibly, an untimely death. 

Not too relaxing. 

Heath Ledger was the greatest human being of all-time

Let's all just fucking relax, people. I'm sure Heath Ledger is excellent in the role of The Joker in "The Dark Knight," but for fuck's sake, do we really need to talk about him as if he cured AIDS? Truth be told, he probably caused people to contract AIDS after they watched his gay fuckfest, Brokeback Mountain, and went out to the woods for some manly, unprotected fireside camp-cock. But alas, he's rotting in the ground now. And we must all praise him and everything he's ever done. Let's forget how he was dumb enough to combine like 75 different prescription medications. Let's forget that he did this despite the fact that he was a father and was so self-consumed that he neglected to think of his child as he tossed another pill down his throat. Was his death sad? Yes. But honestly, does the fact that he died kind-of  semi-tragically automatically bump him up in the line for sainthood? I say semi-tragic, by the way, because it was mostly his fault and because it's not like he died in 9/11 or Iraq or even in a car accident. I mean, more people die more tragically every fucking day. And that's a problem too because every time someone dies, famous or not, you hear others speak about about what an amazing person they were. I don't believe it. I think when an asshole dies, like say,  Tony Snow, you shouldn't lionize him just because he died. I bet even after Hitler's death some people were saying, "Vell, he vas quite an orator, you know."  At Tony's Snow's funeral they should've said "In life, Tony was a lying asshole. Now, he's a lying-in-state asshole." Or, "Tony died of colon cancer but I think it was asshole cancer. Oh wait, that's the same thing, isn't it? " And then the whole place would erupt with laughter, right? Why don't people hire me as a professional eulogizer? 

Not too controversial. 

Pussy, cat

The following is a copy of an e-mail I sent out the other day: 

Well, sadly, we had to come back from vacation a day early to put our beloved cat, Snow, to sleep. She was 18 years old and her health had declined drastically in the past few days. She had kidney failure, anemia, a heart murmur and a tumor on her pancreas (which we never tested because she was too old to do anything about it even if it were cancerous). So it could've been any of of those maladies that overtook her in the end. The doctors actually thought it might have been a blood clot. Whatever the cause of her sudden decline no longer matters I suppose. What does matter is that she had an amazing 17 years with us. She made life around here a little more fun as she was always sleeping in the oddest of places and loved to be goofy. She moved with us from Maryland to Atlanta to Pennsylvania to Massachussetts. She even miraculously survived a 3-story fall off our balcony in Maryland without so much as a scratch! She was amazing. Snowy was a very social cat and you guys all probably met her at one point. I was very, very close with her. Every night for about 5 years she would climb up on our bed (sorry, mom I know you hate pets in the bed!) and sleep with her head resting on my forearm all night. Many times I'd wake up with an extremely stiff and sore arm because I couldn't move it all night. Well today, when the doctor gently put her to sleep, Snowy laid her head right on my forearm again and drifted off peacefully and beautifully. Kary and I will profoundly miss her.

Not too heartbreaking and revealing and open for undue ridicule. 

I want to cut your balls off and staple them to your wife's face.

Wow, it's beautiful up here, isn't it? Such a nice summer evening. There's a slightly cool sea-breeze blowing as we wait to watch the sun drop beyond the horizon. I've got an ice-cold beer that's going down well. How's your wine? It's good, right? Man, it's so peaceful up here. Just listen to the birds. And the waves crashing along the rocky shore in the distance. 

MOLLY: HEY, DAD LOOK AT ME!!!!! DAD, DAD, DAD, LOOK!!!!!

Oh fuck, here we go again. You've got to be kidding me. Why can't we ever watch the sun set without  some fucking family of assticles (yes that's ass and testicles combined) intruding?

MOM: Shhh, Molly! 

MOLLY: DAD!!! DAD!!!!!!!! CAN I GO OVER HERE? OR HERE? OR HOW ABOUT HERE?

Mom does nothing more. In her mind, she tried. She think she did what social etiquette calls for. She asked her kid to be quiet, what more can she do? Fucking lazy cunt. Now she just sits there and ignores her kids, as usual. Most parents these days either ignore their kids or try to act like they are their best fucking friends. None of them act like parents. It's pathetic. (Note: remind me to get back to that subject some day, I'll write a diatribe that will make your head come out of your urethra!) So Mom does nothing, as I was saying. She stares at the sunset dreaming of a life she wishes she had. God knows what that could be. Knitting on a yacht in San Tropez?A shoe buyer for the rich and famous?  Sucking 7 dicks at once? Who knows? All I know is that it's not disciplining her dickwart kids right now. She knows how shitty her family has made this sunset for everyone else who- up until now- was enjoying this quiet, peaceful moment. So why not take the family somewhere else? Why not say "you know what guys, let's go"? Ooh no, God forbid her kids miss a sunset that they don't give a shit about in the first place? But you wanna know the real reason why? It's so she can go back home and tell her friends that "we took the kids to watch the sunset one evening. It was so beautiful. They really loved it." YOU LYING FUCKING WHORE!!!!!! Her vagina should be sewn shut with barbed wire, I think to myself as I watch the sun slip further into oblivion. 

DAD: KIDS, KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED FOR THE GREEN FLASH. I SAW IT ONCE, YOU KNOW.  

Oh my fucking God, are you kidding me? Oooh, Dad, enthrall us with your acumen on all things celestial and heavenly. You think that's something so incredibly rare? Then why the fuck does every guy who comes up here talk about the fucking green flash? Gentle reader, next time you are watching a sunset and there are others around, just listen. I guaranfuckingtee you will hear some guy talk about the green flash. It's uncanny. And it's so old. I'm so tired of hearing it. If you're one of those assholes who mention the green flash at every sunset, I want you to know that I want to cut your balls off and staple them to your wife's face. 

Don't believe me about the green flash-holes? Check out the video this stupid cunt made where she films the supposed green flash. Oh and, of course, she talks about it the entire time. Like it's some mystical fucking once-in-a-lifetime experience. I got an idea, how about instead of blathering on about the green flash you do something really novel and just WATCH the fucking sunset. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHIdF3170Wo

A LITTLE BACK-STORY:  

For the past 15 years my wife and I have been going to an island off the coast of Massachusetts for vacation. On said vacations, we've had the pleasure of witnessing many sunsets from the island's highest peak. However, of the about 45 sunsets I've witnessed from this spot, at least 40 of them have been ruined by some asshole who thinks he's so fucking brilliant because he knows about "the green flash." What's that, you don know about the green flash? Learn more about this fucking phenomenon here: 

http://durhamregion.typepad.com/astronomy/2006/06/the_mysterious_.html

Not too unworthy...ooh wow, did you see the green flash??!!!... of anyone's attention.