I command you to shit!

What is your deal? You give me the snottiest look in the world because I'm walking my dog in a state park without a leash? Fuck you. This is not central Park. I'm not in a city. I'm way out in the fucking sticks. And yet, you have the nerve to give me your shitty attitude because my very well-behaved dog is leashless? You worthless cunt. I hate you. I suppose you want me to hold my friendly dog back away from your angel of a child? Please. If I could command my dog to shit on your shitty kid I would. How dare you think  your worthless child is more deserving of free park land than my dog. Your baby is not the second coming of Christ, okay? Some  errant sperm from your husbands cock wiggled its way into an egg stuck on your uterine wall. What a fucking miracle! Guess what, that little miracle has happened billions of times over millions of years. Your kid is about as significant as a single raindrop. Get over it. Is your kid cute? I guess. Though, compared to my very dear friend's baby, yours looks like an ulcerous herpes sore on a baboon's swollen vagina. So why must I part the red fucking sea for you and "Ashlee?" Ugghh. What a fucking stupid name. Not special at all. Very fitting for your child. Look, while I will never ever understand why you think your daughter is God's gift to this planet, I do understand that you don't want her to get hurt. But just know that I feel the same way about my dog. So when you're talking to another Mommy about how horribly wonderful being a mommy is while you ignore Ahslee as she yanks on my dog's tail, I am going to wish the most hateful shit ever on your kid and maybe even quietly spit in her hair. Watch your child. Teach her to respect animals. Stop thinking your nasty old clam delivered the most precious resource on the planet. And remember that your kid is not more brilliant or cute or special or more deserving of everything the world has to offer than anyone else. Because, chances are, in about 15 years she's going to be urinated on for money.  

No, I'm not too edgy.