Why the fuck would I wanna do something like that?

Hello. I'm a self-centered cock. Perhaps you've seen me. Most likely from behind. For it is from that vantage point that you will notice I choose not to alert you or anyone else of my automobile's movements. Oh sorry, did I cross into your lane? Actually I'm not sorry because I do not give a fuck. Look, I'm kinda busy on my bluetooth fag phone to deal with this right now, okay? Everything about ME is so much more important than you. Why are you chasing me down and giving me the finger? What, because I didn't use my fucking turn signal? Oh stop being such a bitch. Nobody uses turn signals anymore. If it were illegal, that fucking lazy piece of shit cop who just witnessed me make an illegal move as I wove my car through traffic would've stopped me. But guess what, he didn't. Because nobody gives a shit about your old fucking retarded system of informing people where I plan to turn this two-ton hunk of metal. That's so eighties. Ewww. Leave me alone, go away. Look, how about you use your old fuddy-duddy "signaling system" and I'll continue on my merry way, never look back. Or to the side. Did it ever occur to you that my life might be more important than yours? That my mother would be way more devastated if they scraped my mangled body off the highway than your mother would be if they scraped you mangled body off the highway?  Hey why are you taking out that axe. Ouch. Stop hacking my limbs off. Uggh, like I have time for this? 

Fuck all of you who don't use your turn signals. I can't wait for a truck to ram into you and behead you. 

Not too signally. 

The best live act in America...

except for BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN & THE E STREET BAND, of course, is My Morning Jacket. Don't believe me? Check out this song from their recent appearance at the annoyingly-named Bonnaroo festival. "One Big Holiday" w/ Kirk Hammett

Not too unfunny.

Not too double-negativey.

Hey I got an idea, how about you kill yourself?

Yes you. I'm talking to you, fat-asshole-who-tries-too-hard-to-befriend-the-"Genius"-at-the-Apple-store. You're a fucking loser dick. You really think this pimply-faced kid gives a shit about your family? Really? You do? You think he- and everyone else within earshot- really care about your kid's baseball team? You are pathetic. And you're not nearly as bright as you claim to be. Your attempts to outsmart the Apple store Genius with tales of how you attempted to fix your computer are laughable. If you were so "smaht (note the Boston accent) with computers" as you claimed - in a comically loud voice by the way-, then why are you bringing your computer in to be fixed? "Oh I figured I could partition (PAH-tition) the haad-drive and then it would work." Didn't you notice when you said that, the poor Genius kid answered you with an "I hear that" that was so unbelievably empty of meaning that even the thickest-skulled primate would figure this kid no longer wants to communicate on any level? That he simply want to get his job done and then move on, far, far away from you? No, of course you didn't. Because you are dumb and because you think you are the most special, amazing person in the world. Everyone is so fascinated by your amazing life. Oh please regale us with more tales of your son's little league team and how your wife chuckles at 'ya when tell her the kid's gonna be like Nomar. Oh how witty! How adorable! What an un-supportive cunt, actually.  You and her should kill yourselves. I know the "Genius" is thinking that. And oh what do I have to say about those "Geniuses?" Well, I'll reserve that bile for another day. 

In conclusion, fuck you, fatso. My appointment at the Apple store was 25 minutes late because of you. I hate you. And your (most likely) fat wife and fat, gay kid. 

No, I'm stable. 

Your womb sickens me

Everyone needs to stop having children. End of story. I bet this poor kid wishes he/she was never born. 

No, that's not too hot. 

Sports are so fucking gay

Relax, Tiger. It's not that big of a deal. Calm the fuck down, okay? And you too, Mr. old golf announcer. Or how about every one in the crowd? Or, worse, the fucking losers at home watching it on tv who suddenly pumped their fists and screamed like girl scouts seeing a hairy penis for the first time...I mean slimy slug, a slimy slug for the  first time. Seriously, with so many God-awful things happening in this world how can people honestly be so excited by this millionaire douchebag's ball going in a hole?  Oh I know sports dicks will say "well it's because such awful things are happening that we need a release like this." Actually, that's inaccurate. A sports guy would react like this (screaming, with veins on the forehead pulsing)  "How many people died? GO CELTICS!!! GARNETT FUCKING RULES! "  Not that I'm so incredibly in-tune with the plight of the people of Darfur (hey, isn't that the name of Spanish Johnny's German-themed anthropomorphic characters nightclub?) but I do think that getting orgasmic over a twelve-foot putt is kinda like spitting in he face of a distended-bellied, fly-faced kid in Africa. Or South America. Or, gasp!, America. That's right, people are starving in America.  Am I bugging you? I don't mean to bug ya. But I digress. My point is, for all the "winning" involved in professional sports it sure seems to be beloved by a huge amount of losers.  But more on them later. Until then I've got some SPringsteen to go listen to. WOO-HOO, BORN IN THE U.S.A FUCKING RULES!!!!!!!

Not too insightful. 

Nobes is a homo.....phobe!

 
I am homophobic. That is, if you define homophobia as being deathly afraid that homosexual men don't find you attractive. And of course that is exactly how I define it because I often define things differently than what their true meaning is to suit my comedic purposes. Witness my definition of heterosexual copulation: (verb) the act of a man sitting atop a woman and shitting in her vagina. From the Latin "crapulation." Actually when I was very young my cousin really did tell me that that was how you make love to a woman. Good thing I didn't believe him. Although it might have made for a more satisfying experience for the women in my life as my massive shits easily dwarf the size of my cock on a daily basis.

Anyway, back to me being unable to accept it when gay men don't find me attractive. Normally, this would be fine...IF YOU WERE GAY. But I'm not, so why do I care? I can't explain it. It's just irks me when they don't find me attractive. I know I"m not alone. In fact, I see some guys beaming with pride (yeah, fuckin' gay pride! Woo-hoo, you go girl!!) when the gay guys here in the office tell them they're hot. Of course, when that happens in my presence and I'm not mentioned, I feel a little wounded. WHY? Must I be all things to all people? Perhaps (it would certainly explain this blog). This is a phenomenon (or a homomenon? No? How about a peni-menon? No? How about a fagnomenon?  Eh.) that really intrigues me. It makes no sense. I mean I don't find other men attractive, aside from Spanish Johnny and Bruce Springsteen of course. I don't know. I'm hoping my enormous gay following (watch out Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho!!) will tell me why. Actually, I'm begging them to. Once again, I seek the gays' approval. God hates fags? I don't think so. God loves fags because on my blog I am God. So COME ON gay men, ANALyze me. Lube up your typing fingers and spray your cumments all over my face. 

Did I mention that I'm not gay?

No, I don't play to my audience too well. 

Let's just take it easy

I need to mellow out on the anger. So here's something hilarious. I can't take credit for it though I wish I could. It's brilliant in it's stupidity. If you don't think it's funny then clearly you are an idiot. 

Not too out of material already. 

I command you to shit!

What is your deal? You give me the snottiest look in the world because I'm walking my dog in a state park without a leash? Fuck you. This is not central Park. I'm not in a city. I'm way out in the fucking sticks. And yet, you have the nerve to give me your shitty attitude because my very well-behaved dog is leashless? You worthless cunt. I hate you. I suppose you want me to hold my friendly dog back away from your angel of a child? Please. If I could command my dog to shit on your shitty kid I would. How dare you think  your worthless child is more deserving of free park land than my dog. Your baby is not the second coming of Christ, okay? Some  errant sperm from your husbands cock wiggled its way into an egg stuck on your uterine wall. What a fucking miracle! Guess what, that little miracle has happened billions of times over millions of years. Your kid is about as significant as a single raindrop. Get over it. Is your kid cute? I guess. Though, compared to my very dear friend's baby, yours looks like an ulcerous herpes sore on a baboon's swollen vagina. So why must I part the red fucking sea for you and "Ashlee?" Ugghh. What a fucking stupid name. Not special at all. Very fitting for your child. Look, while I will never ever understand why you think your daughter is God's gift to this planet, I do understand that you don't want her to get hurt. But just know that I feel the same way about my dog. So when you're talking to another Mommy about how horribly wonderful being a mommy is while you ignore Ahslee as she yanks on my dog's tail, I am going to wish the most hateful shit ever on your kid and maybe even quietly spit in her hair. Watch your child. Teach her to respect animals. Stop thinking your nasty old clam delivered the most precious resource on the planet. And remember that your kid is not more brilliant or cute or special or more deserving of everything the world has to offer than anyone else. Because, chances are, in about 15 years she's going to be urinated on for money.  

No, I'm not too edgy. 

How about this weather?

"How about this weather?"

How about fuck you, Mr. normally-uptight-but-not-today-because-you-made-a-little-money-on-a-call-order-for-tomato-futures-faggot-pinstripe-business-suit-douche-in-the-elevator-trying-to-be-funny? I hope you die of heatstroke. 

No, I'm pleasant to be around. 

The rarest sight you will ever see

Holy fucking shit, everyone look! I've never seen anything like it. It's a broken-down car on the side of the road. Did you see it? Well hells man slow the fuck down so you can take a good goddamn look at it. Take your time, boy. Just make sure you get to git a good look at that broken down car. I wonder if anyone called for help? What happened? Did it overheat? Probably. But maybe there's like a problem with the timing belt. Could be that. Hmmm. What's that? Oh there's a 3-mile, 45-minute back up behind me because I slowed down to a crawl to look at a fucking broken-down car? Who cares, bro? That thing is broken-down as shit! 

Fuck all you fucking retards who made my commute 45 minutes longer than it had to be today. You fucking ignorant cunts. Fuck you all to hell.

No, this was helpful to anyone. 

My liege, I owe you an apology

Dear Spanish Johnny,

Many years ago, you implored me to watch a television program entitled "The Wire." I did. And I was nonplussed. The first season bored me. The second season did too. I reluctantly continued. The third season hooked me in. A good plotline about rival drug gangs and the cops trying to bring them to justice. Then I watched season four. It is arguably the greatest season of television ever broadcast. The plots revolve around politics (the ambitions of a newly-elected mayor) and the lives of four young boys growing up in Baltimore's brutal West-side. I can't say there's been a character on TV I've ever actually truly cared about before. That changed with this season. I actually wound up worrying about these kids. I'd think about them after the show was over. Totally irrational, I know. One kid in particular, "Randy," still preys on my mind. I hope to God I see him next season where his life isn't nearly as shitty as it is now. This is a good kid, people. He reminds me of a young Nobes. Poor, black, anal retentive, growing up in the slums of Baltimore. Life was hard but I made it out. God willing, Randy will too.

Check out this great review of the show (much better than my simplistic nonsense scribblings)

http://www.slate.com/id/2149566/

No, I didn't falsely write that Randy and I were "anal retentive" just so I could put the word anal as one of the labels for this post.

Buckle the fuck up

My predictions for 2008: 

1) Sifting through the garbage cans outside Michael Jackson's home, a member of the paparazzi solves the world's fuel woes by discovering a new energy source created from a concoction not found anywhere else on Earth: semen, dirty diapers, blood and and pre-pubescent boy sweat.  (God that was a long walk for a ham sandwich.)

2) Ryan Adams, the popular singer-songwriter, will alternately annoy and thrill the living shit out of me. 

3) Full-back panties will make a huge comeback (so many puns intended there) after a wildly popular magazine exclusively featuring the underwear design is published and distributed to schoolchildren nationwide. 

4) A fireworks mishap somewhere will mar July 4th celebrations.

5) The economic situation in America worsens to the point where new mothers will have to actually, gasp!, go to work instead of stare at their fucking kids all day thinking of more and more ways to protect them. 

6) A new toy dreamt up by wunderkind, Nobes, called "Monstro™" will sweep the action figure, television and movie industries by storm. 

7) At their tour finale, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will come out for a 6th encore and play Incident on 57th Street "one last time, for Nobes," moments after Nobes blows his head off because he thought the concert was over. 

8) The democrats will have a Africunt-American ticket when Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton join forces. 

9) I will complete a marathon in October.

10) China will experience a massive 7.9 earthquake that will kill at least 50,000 people and will change the very landscape, creating "quake lakes" that will threaten even more lives. 

Not too prescient. 

Don't Stop Berievin'

I guess I'm turning into an old puss. I nearly cried while watching this. A great story about Journey's new lead singer who, by the way, sounds as good as- if not better- than Steve Perry. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjBtfgJ4E6s

No, this wasn't the laziest post ever.

HypoChrists

Look at this fucking story from the AP (below, not above. That's something that should be looked at later): 

"Cardinal Francis George asked a Chicago priest on Tuesday to temporarily step down from his post to "reflect on his recent statements" regarding Sen. Hillary Clinton and her bid for the White House. Last week, the Rev. Michael Pfleger mocked Clinton at Sen. Barack Obama's former church, saying the New York senator felt "entitled" to the Democratic nomination for president. In a guest sermon at Trinity United Church of Christ, Pfleger pretended he was Clinton crying over "a black man stealing my show."

Are you kidding me? So a cardinal (I refuse to capitalize that) will ask a reverend to step down for mocking a political figure but looks the other way when they molest kids? What in the holy fuck is going on inside that church? A lot of kid fucking I guess. So much so that they can't even concentrate on what's important and what is not. This kind of hypocrisy make me insane. Religious hypocrisy is the worst kind and I've dubbed those who commit it "HypoChrists." (Not too fucking clever). Honestly though, is there anything worse than a religious a-hole talking about how we must take sex education out of the schools because it's poisoning children's minds while he sits on a stack of kiddie porn photos and anal lube at home? And, of course, they are always so pious about their beliefs while completely looking the other way on their own disgusting sins. Uh yeah, Nobes, that's called hypocrisy. Okay, fuck you, I know it's obvious. I'm just so sick of religious zealots A) being hypocrites (yeah okay we GET IT!!) and B) somehow affecting how this country should be governed. (Cue the Seinfeld impression) I mean, who ARE these people?

Tomorrow (or sometime in the near future) I will discuss the religious right's affect on the economy, the media and how I beat-off. 

No, this was an original thought. 

20 most-played songs on my iPod (I'm as shocked as you are)

1) "Going to Town"  The Afghan Whigs - Black Love
2) "Burning Photographs" -  Ryan Adams - Rock N Roll
3) "Can't You See" - The Marshall Tucker Band - Greatest Hits

4) "Reba" - Phish  - 3-22-93 

5) "Julius" Phish - 2003-08-03 IT Festival, Loring AFB - Limestone, ME

6) "Unsatisfied"  - The Replacements -  Let It Be

7) "Like The Twilight" - Ryan Adams - 48 Hours

8) "California Stars" - Wilco and Billy Bragg - Mermaid Avenue 
9) "Ashes"  - Embrace - Out Of Nothing 
10) "Jesus Of Suburbia (Live)" -  Green Day - Bullet In A Bible
11) "Skyway"  - The Replacements - Pleased To Meet Me 
12) "Evacuation of the West" - Bruce Springsteen - Goin' Back 
13) "Because the Night" - Bruce Springsteen - Passaic Night 
14) "Willie" - Cat Power - The Greatest
15) "Book of Dreams " - Dion - Light of Day: A Tribute To Bruce Springsteen
16) "Feb 14"  - Drive-By Truckers - A Blessing And A Curse 
17) "Perfect Day" - Lou Reed - Trainspotting 
18) "Ghost"  - Phish - 07-04-1999 Lakewood Amphitheater, Atlanta
19) "Rosalie Come and Go" - Ryan Adams - Lost & Found, Vol.1

20) "Rip Van Winkle" - Witch - Witch

Holy fuck. Where do I begin? Let me start by saying that this list, while an accurate accounting of the most-played songs, is -  technically speaking -  fucked. A few of these songs I know I I've listened to before but there's no way I've listened to them 13 times. (By the way, THE most-played song has only ben played 17 times.) I'm guessing "Willie" and "Rip Van Winkle" were played while I left the ipod on but wasn't listening. So, sorry. Apparently, my little experiment here isn't going to be the glaring spotlight into my bared soul I thought it would be. In fact, it's more equivalent to a birthday candle's incandescence inside the vast, dank, bat-poo-ridden walls of Paris Hilton's puss. Ha-ha-ha. Aren't I hilarious? 

So let's analyze this pathetic, nearly Bruce-less list. I know you're waiting with baited breath. (what a disgusting phrase, by the way.) 

1) The afghan whigs are a woefully underrated band. Their last two albums before they broke up ("1965" and "Black Love") are chock full of seriously Motown-influenced rock that is epic.  
This song in particular has a very dramatic opening to it. 

2) Ryan Adams is a genius. Pure and simple. I mean, I did name this blog after one of his songs after all (oooooh Ryan aren't you so excited I bestowed such an honor on you??) (No, I'm sure Mr. Adams will be reading this.) (No, I'm sure anyone other than me and two friends will be reading this.) This song was largely ignored by me until a close friend, Spanish Johnny, clued me in to its poppy brilliance. 

3) eh.

 You know what? Fuck this. This is retarded. You see the list. You're going to make your own conclusions regardless. I'm not really "analyzing" these songs anyway. Let me just say that songs like "Willie" and "Rip Van Winkle' and "Can't you see" are perfectly fine but they in no way represent my musical taste overall. Especially "Willie." I swear, I have no idea what that song even sounds like. In fact, I'd put it on right now but I"m afraid to move it up another notch in my stellar list. 

No, this was illuminating.