Guess who's the biggest faggot in the world?

As I left work last night I crossed paths with a couple of construction workers. They were carrying Makita tool boxes. I was carrying a bag of cupcakes from a bakery called Lulu's. They stopped and let me cross in front of them. "Ladies first," I imagined their internal monologues to be saying. Followed by "there goes the biggest faggot in the world." 

And they were right. I hate being such a pussy.  

Not too cupcakey. 

I'll rip out your asshole and fist it right in front of you, dickweed.

If I open a door for you, you'd better fucking thank me you fucking selfish fucking dick or cunt. 

No, I'm not a frequent and respected contributor to the Emily Post Institute.  

Hey Spanish Johnny, I see your disturbing 18 kids story and raise you one.

This is one of the most fucked up things I have ever seen. And I have seen some fucked up shit (my mom's boyfriend's Asian cock to name just one) in my life.

(Is that Sigourney Weaver??)

Those kids, sadly, are not unlike most kids in America today. The difference is, those kids are literally sucking on mommy's swollen, nasty tit whereas the majority of American kids today are only doing it metaphorically. I see moms (and dads) whip out the metaphorical tit all the time to calm their nasty little fuckwads down. A tantrum needs to be dealt with swiftly and deftly and violently. Don't placate the little bastards because it makes your life easier, people. Do what the elders did, "You're eating the broccoli or you're going to bed hungry." Not "you don't like broccoli? Okay, I'm sorry I gave that to you, honey. Try some chicken fingers instead, okay?" All parents are losers. End of story. Merry Christmas.







Not too engorged with milk and latent Oedipal issues.

Nothing would please me more than to see you beheaded.

Honestly, how fucking lazy are you? You can't brush the snow off of your car before you head out on the road? What's the matter with you, you rude, inconsiderate nipplabianus? Do you even wipe your ass? I doubt it. I mean why must I endure what amounts to another snowstorm caused by all the shit comming off of your roof because you couldn't muster up the strength to sweep a broom over your car? Holy fuck you are lazy. I really hope your car slides off the road and you and your whole family are beheaded, you fucking cuntitaint.  

No,  I spent a lot on that photo. 

STOP THE PRESSES: Ashlee Simpson enjoys anal sex.

This and other illuminating tidbits came from a fascinating interview with her husband, Pete Wentz, on the Howard Stern show this morning. Pete Wentz, a man I had previously said deserved to have been aborted, is now someone I actually respect. And not just because he spoke of his little princess wife liking anal. No, it's more than that. He came off as a pretty cool guy. That's the absolute genius of Howard Stern. He is hands-down the greatest interviewer in the world. He can "humanize" any celebrity by simply getting them to talk about themselves in a real, unguarded way. Much to the horror of their publicists I'm sure. In other words, he doesn't just ask "so, how are Ashlee and the new baby" like a fucking Entertainment Tonight "reporter." No, instead he phrases it like (and I'm paraphrasing here), "so now you've got the kid, you're gonna have to make her a sexual object again instead of a mom. I mean, once you've seen that vagina with all the blood and the shit..." And then leaves it in the interviewee's hands to complete the thought. Pete's answer to this, by the way, was that Ashlee still is a sexual being. She blows him and gives him hand-jobs but the vagina is still off limits. It's only been two weeks, after all. Pete also said that somewhere in his mind, he's thought about banging both Jessica and Ashlee at the same time but he can't really go there in his head because Jessica is a lot like a sister to him. What a homo. Although, I can't really call him that. This guy has fucked many a hot Hollywood starlet, including Lindsay Lohan. But back to Ahslee loving anal (no, Spanish Johnny doesn't own that movie). When a listener called in to ask Pete if he and Ashlee had done it in "the bad place (no, I don't own that movie), he said "she likes me to be happy." That's not a no, it is an unspoken yes. Good for him. Good for her. Great for fucking Howard Stern; the greatest entertainer of all-time. After Bruce Springsteen. 

No, my doctor didn't give me anal last February. 

Don't read this unless you want to feel the same way my mother feels about me all the time; disappointed.

Jury duty wasn't that bad. In fact,  I think it's something everyone should do at least once in their life. 

That being said, I did make some observations. I wrote these on my laptop in the deliberation room so they kinda read like notes (except for the opening paragraph, that I wrote mostly the day after the trial had ended). I was gonna fill them out later but after the trial was over I didn't have the heart. So what you're getting here is the raw material. Oooooh, edgy. Yeah,  I'm the Lou Reed of blogging. Anyway, here they are: 

Uggh. Fucking jury duty. I got my notice to serve back in March of this year. Though it may have been April. Either way, the formal invitation had asked me to come in to the Worcester Superior Court the first week of August for my service. Fuck that. I immediately put in for a stay of execution, if you will. Sure enough, come September, I received a new notification informing me that the first day of December I absolutely HAD to be in the jury pool (sounds so fun, doesn’t it? A jury pool. Yay, let’s all get in, splash around and pretend we’re not peeing next to each other. Look for this and other witticisms in my new book “Nobes does Jay Leno style humor”). Fascinating story so far, huh? Well I merely wanted to give those who have never had the pleasure of sitting in a jury box listening to witness testimony a little taste of what it is like. Actually, it’s not the courtroom that is so boring. It’s the jury deliberation room. Sure, watching a witness talk for 2 hours about the difference between a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) and a Stroke can be, well, mind-numbing (no, stroke humor isn’t too obscure and classy. Particularly when you’ve been staring at a stroke victim and his unfortunate family for 10 days.) And that takes me to my point. I thought I would find wealth of material in my time as a juror. But I didn’t. In fact, I think I lost my entire sense of humor. The case was horribly sad. And the jurors were all very decent people. Did I have issues with them? Certainly. Did they annoy the shit out of me? Definitely. But in the end, I came to respect them all (even the fucking retarded ones) and it left me with the exact opposite feeling of what I had written down on my first day of duty, which was “humanity sucks.”  

Notes from the jury pool: the very first day of jury duty. Like 20 minutes into it. It is I who judge thee. 

THE JURY:

Fat silent guy
Tall freak nice guy
Nice, rich cunt w/ Burberry bag
Bearded weirdo intellectual douche
Fat geek
Smokey the smokestack
Old not-so-innocent-but-trying-to-be woman (nosey but sweet)
Old not-so-funny-but-desperately-trying-to-be man
Middle aged mellow blue-collar guy
Unhealthy smelly old man
Redneck and proud of it, dumb but nice guy
Complaining mom bitch who has to let you know she had kids and how hard it is every 5 seconds.
Judgmental asshole that thinks he’s better than everyone. (that would be me)

And these were random observations I made during the 10-day stint: 

Cunt playing her music too loud on ipod. Sitting here in deliberation room waiting for rest of jurors. Me and one other guy in here. Other than her retarded music (country, of course) the room is silent. I hope she has a stroke from the music.

Blowing nose in otherwise quiet room. Who the fuck does this? Now she’s blowing her nose in here. Again, a perfectly quiet room and she blows her nose, allowing us the hear every drop of salty snot that comes from her rodent-like nose. She sickens me. 

Farting in court behind me. Unconscionable. This 50-60 year old fuckwad sitting behind me is farting uncontrollably in the court room. I’m listening to testimony from a woman who has essentially lost her husband to a stroke and I’m mentally forced out of the situation to contemplate this guy’s fart. Unreal. What a filthy fucking animal.

Shitting in the quiet deliberation room. Yes someone actually took a shit in the jury deliberation room toilets while the rest of us waited in silence only a few feet away. We could hear (and smell) everything. The guy came out with no shame whatsoever. How bizarre.

Woman juror: “my son asked me yesterday 'what if the hokey pokey really IS what it’s all about?'"  Ha-ha-ha!!!! Isn’t that cute? She’s telling this story to strangers because strangers, by and large, are polite and will laugh to make her feel more comfortable. Even I would laugh if she were telling me this directly, but I’m off in the corner silently judging people so I don’t have to laugh. Still, I think mothers love to sit and swap stories about their fucking kids but they never really listen to one another. As one speaks the other is thinking of her next story to top the previous one. Either that or she’s waiting for the millisecond gap of silence with which she can interrupt and then tell her “well MY oldest did something the other day you wouldn’t believe…” story. And that’s exactly what happens next. The woman “listening” to this amazing story bursts in with her own tale. It begins: “Well I just taught my 8 year-old how to do the laundry. She doesn’t even complain. She wants to learn.” Brav-fucking-o, I think. Relax, lady. What a little miracle that kid is, huh? Who FUCKING CARES? No one, so shut your fucking hole, bitch.

I’ve also noticed that the same goes for people and their hardships. They trade hardship stories like stories about their kids. It’s the same mentality. Everyone is just so desperate to have everyone else in the world know how difficult their life is. Or, more importantly, how much more difficult their life is than yours. Again, no one cares so shut the fuck up. Live your life the best you can and leave everyone else out of it. Well, leave me out of it at the very least.

No, I still enjoy blogging. 

Now Judge, I know this is gonna sound kinda wild, but...

Good morning, faggots. Just wanted to let you know that I apologize for being absent for so long from my beloved blog. I know you can hardly start your pathetic days without my vitriolic prose. Well you're gonna have to wait a little longer. I am currently on jury duty and in a trial. In fucking Worcester, MA. And this town is 100% guilty of being a shithole. Just awful. When the trial is over (Thursday or Friday) I will tell you all about my wonderful time here in the stinking asshole of America. Until then, I thank you for your patience.  

No, I'm sure anyone other than Spanish Johnny understood that Bruce reference in my headline. No, Spanish Johnny isn't the only person who reads this blog anyway. No, Bruce-related humor isn't the highest form of humor that can be achieved by mortals.