There's something uncomfortably large in my pants.

It's called a fucking tag. You know, the worthless little, well tag, that is for some unGodly reason stitched into the seam of your clothes more securely than any other stitching on the whole shirt or pants? The dumb fucking thing that tells you who made this particular garment and what size it is. And then on the back it usually tells you how to care for the item. Yeah whoever came up with this idea (and those who perpetuate its use) should have their children killed in front of them. These tags are a menace. Like annoying little polyester hemorrhoids they itch like fuck and cause major discomfort. Why do we need them? Honestly, what is their purpose? I've already bought the fucking shirt, I don't care who made it anymore. And exactly how retarded do you need to be to not grasp the proper way to launder a t-shirt? These days the tags are bigger than ever for some fucking unfathomable reason.  In one shirt recently purchased at The Gap (not too cool of me) the fucking tag took up a space larger than a pack of cigarettes on the back of my neck. And it was fucking sewn into the shirt with a thread that was easily a first cousin to barbed wire. I think I may be a touch autistic, like Asperger's syndrome (and no, that's not "assburgers" for all you dicks out there dying to pounce on me with a fat joke) because my skin is so ultra-sensitive that I barely can stand the touch of another human being (ladies, line-up for the catch of the century!) but even a normal person couldn't stand this Gap shirt tag, I'm sure of it. The fucking thing is so absurdly intrusive that it would be more comfortable if The Gap lined the shirt with the blood and feces of the 13 year-old slave-labor kids they "employ." Which makes me think, do these kids purposely make the tags extra uncomfortable because they're so angry? Do they intentionally stitch the tag seven times over with some sort of space polymer unbreakable thread while they sew the rest of the garment with something weaker than dental floss? Are they punishing me by sewing the tag in so intricately that when I use a seam-ripper (yes, I use a fucking seam-ripper like some doddering old grandmother) to remove them a de-stitching chain reaction begins that eventually unravels half of the cloth, leaving a huge hole in the shirt? Somebody's gotta take the blame here. I simply can't take it anymore. The tags need to stop. Yes, I am aware that there are companies now who claim to make "tagless" items but they are full of fucking shit because there still is a cunty little tag tucked into the side of these shirts. It's small but it has a little set of numbers printed on it. It's probably some kind of code to tell the underage army of seamstresses to keep working or their parents will be slaughtered. Huh? That doesn't make sense on any level. Whatever, fuck you, stop judging me. Before I go, I also have to mention that the cheap motherfuckers who manufacture clothing these days have really gone too far now. The tags were bad enough but another appalling trend appears to be unfolding. And that is the sewing of some sort of plastic material into the seams of t-shirts. I have no idea why they are doing this. Maybe it's an effort to strengthen the pathetically weak thread they use. I don't know. What I do know is I'm never fucking buying another t-shirt with an enormous tag or fucking cheap plastic lining sewn into the seams. That's right, I'm boycotting t-shirts! Who's with me? Let's go!!!!......Hello? Anyone there? (cue the crickets sfx) 

Fuck you all. Traitors. 

Not too stitchy.