Apparently I'm going to die any minute now.

Welcome to genetics, baby. You're gonna diiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Last Friday I saw my sister-in-law for the first time in quite a while. Immediately she looked at me quizzically and asked about the creases on my head vaginas (oh, I should tell you that in my family we call ears "head vaginas") and if they had been there long. I was aware of the creases on my head vaginas that she was talking about. I replied "No, but I've had them for a while. Maybe ten years. Why?" I really wish I hadn't asked why because she replied with genuine concern that she had seen a show on MSNBC where they discussed how a distinct crease in the earlobe is an indicator that you will definitely die of a heart attack at some point. Probably soon. Yay!!!!!! What awesome news. Now, she was telling me this because she was concerned and thought I should know not because she was trying to scare me. But what she didn't know is that I'm an obsessive fucking freak and that for the next 72 hours, my soon to be imploding heart was all I could think about. I thought about my father who died of a heart attack at age 58. And his brother who died of a heart attack at 54. Of course turning to the internet for further information really helped me out. Thank goodness for the internet and all it's life-saving and comforting information. Next time you have any health issue like, say, shoulder pain, just Google it. You're likely to find - as my good friend pointed out today- that you either definitely have pancreatic cancer or maybe you pulled a muscle. So I read a bunch of articles on the internet about my ear creases. This was a fun one. And so was this one. Naturally, not all of the sites I visited spoke of imminent death. Many spoke of the fact that if you simply sleep on your side you could develop an ear crease. Or that an ear crease was an indicator of aging and nothing more. Did I pay attention to those? Fuck no. I was convinced I was going to die almost immediately. Going to sleep has been terrifying for the past few days because in the quiet of night (even with my requisite white noise fan on) I can hear my heart beating and I am convinced each one will be the last. Now I'm sure many of you are saying "MSG don't you want to die? You're such a miserable asshole in this life. Maybe you'd be happier dead." Well, yeah I'm a miserable asshole but I'm not too interested in dying. You see, I like life. I like being able to bore the two people who actually read this blog with my mindless drivel. So, no, I don't want to die. I just want everyone else to. 

Not too my last post ever.