I was on the elevator this morning and there was this "guy" who was talking to two co-workers (also men, sort-of) about "the baby." He spoke of how his baby boy and his daughter sleep in the same room so when the baby cries he wakes up the daughter and she gets nervous when she hears the baby cry so he and his wife try to calm her down as they're trying to also calm the baby dow.....oh Jesus, just shut the fuck up already!! The fact that I know that much about your kids now makes me sick to my stomach. And the two co-workers who sat there and empathized like middle-aged women sitting around a table playing Canasta are equally as nauseating. Each one waiting to jump into the conversation with his own "well my kid..." horror story. What a bunch of fags. Seriously. No one - and I mean no fucking one- wants to hear you complain and/or even talk about your kids. You are not allowed to complain about the fucking choice that YOU made, okay? You are the asshole who in all likelihood entered into parenthood without the proper amount of thought an enormous decision like that requires. You don't just become a parent because "all my life I've just wanted a family." It's so much bigger than that. I can't believe how many of you assholes don't even consider the unbelievable upheaval in your life having child creates. Unfortunately, many of you douchefucks think choosing to have a baby is like choosing a jar of raspberry preserves. That's right, I went with raspberry, spelled the proper way, thank you. Oh, I could've gone with apricot or even apple butter but I fucking chose raspberry. Probably put more thought into that decision than you did about having a child. It's amazing. I bet overall -if such a thing could be measured- people in this country put more thought into having abortions (raspberry jelly anyone?) than they do into actually having kids. And I don't mean that anyone having kids should consider abortion first. I mean, for those who want an abortion, it seems more thought goes into that decision than other people who want kids put into that decision. My point is not that people should carelessly choose abortion, of course. It's that having a baby is so much of a bigger decision than not having one. But no one sees it that way. They see having a child as a right of passage or as a biological imperative. It's not. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. It's like you need a license to buy a dog. Or drive a car. Hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father...wait, did I just paraphrase a Keanu Reeves character? Fuck yeah, I did. Check in next week when I ponder the benefits of suicide on society and I quote Reeves from "A walk in the clouds." Anyway, back to you and your shitty decision-making ass, Mr. Whiny Fuck in the elevator. You see, I have no sympathy for you. You chose to have kids. And no matter how you arrived at that decision whether it was through years of thoughtful contemplation or just because your wife wanted to have them and you were too much of a pussy to tell her otherwise, I feel you need to live quietly with your decision. Embrace it even. Yes embrace it. These are your kids after all. And if it's true that, as you so frequently tell the world - often just before you complain about them-, "I love my kids and I would do anything for them......" then do them this one fucking favor, don't complain about them. If you love them, don't talk about how miserable they make you all the time.Easier said than done? Fuck you. It's easy to choose whether or not to complain. I make that choice every day on this gay fucking blog. I choose, of course, to complain. Loudly. And believe me, as someone who does not have kids, I know I can never understand what it's like. I get that. However, what I do understand is that 90% of the conversations I hear (and overhear) between parents are ones in which the common theme is complaining about how hard it is to have kids. Did you think it would be easy? Oh that's right, you didn't really think about it at all, did you? My bad, I forgot.
Of course, the other 10% of conversations between parents involve bragging about their kids. Do you even listen to yourselves? Do you know how stupid and unoriginal you sound? It seems these days every child born is a bona-fide genius. In fact, I can't wait until the year 2025 when all these geniuses start curing cancer, inventing time-travel machines and creating sexy robots that look like real people but just fuck you 24 hours a day. I mean how could these kids not achieve monumental greatness when they could actually tell the difference between a blue crayon and a purple one at just 26 months!! Oh its going be glorious when these kids grow up. Thank you parents for bestowing this world with your little miracles. But I digress. This bragging that parents do, while being pretty annoying, is at least loving in a way. Though usually it's more for the parents' benefit than it is for the children's. It's more "see what an amazing child I have raised" than it is "see what amazing person he/she is." So everyone please stop bragging about your fucking kid too. Okay, yes, if your kid made the dining room table levitate then I might want to hear about it. Maybe. But I really don't want to be put in the awkward position of trying to act impressed when you tell me how brilliant your child is because at age four she legibly wrote "daddy's penis hurts me" in poo on the wall of her bedroom. Actually, if your kid writes that, please do tell me. Not because I'd enjoy it but, rather, because I'm actually the President of the Wall Shit Writers of America (the WSW for those in the know) and we're looking for new members no matter the age. But spare me when your kid does actually shit in the toilet, okay? It's not a monumental occasion for anyone other than you. And you know why it is for you? Because you have no fucking semblance of a life anymore. That kid is your life now. But hey, that's your choice. Good one. Enjoy that shit. Literally.
PS> For all of my close friends who are reading this please note this post does not apply to you. You are all the greatest parents of all-time. And I think all of your kids are the most brilliant, creative, talented, intellectual kids I've ever known. In fact your kid - or kids - are better than anyone else's I know, including all our other friends. But don't tell them I said that.
Not too abortiony.
Not too born out of my wanting caring, thoughtful parents of my own.
