Nobes is a homo.....phobe!

 
I am homophobic. That is, if you define homophobia as being deathly afraid that homosexual men don't find you attractive. And of course that is exactly how I define it because I often define things differently than what their true meaning is to suit my comedic purposes. Witness my definition of heterosexual copulation: (verb) the act of a man sitting atop a woman and shitting in her vagina. From the Latin "crapulation." Actually when I was very young my cousin really did tell me that that was how you make love to a woman. Good thing I didn't believe him. Although it might have made for a more satisfying experience for the women in my life as my massive shits easily dwarf the size of my cock on a daily basis.

Anyway, back to me being unable to accept it when gay men don't find me attractive. Normally, this would be fine...IF YOU WERE GAY. But I'm not, so why do I care? I can't explain it. It's just irks me when they don't find me attractive. I know I"m not alone. In fact, I see some guys beaming with pride (yeah, fuckin' gay pride! Woo-hoo, you go girl!!) when the gay guys here in the office tell them they're hot. Of course, when that happens in my presence and I'm not mentioned, I feel a little wounded. WHY? Must I be all things to all people? Perhaps (it would certainly explain this blog). This is a phenomenon (or a homomenon? No? How about a peni-menon? No? How about a fagnomenon?  Eh.) that really intrigues me. It makes no sense. I mean I don't find other men attractive, aside from Spanish Johnny and Bruce Springsteen of course. I don't know. I'm hoping my enormous gay following (watch out Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho!!) will tell me why. Actually, I'm begging them to. Once again, I seek the gays' approval. God hates fags? I don't think so. God loves fags because on my blog I am God. So COME ON gay men, ANALyze me. Lube up your typing fingers and spray your cumments all over my face. 

Did I mention that I'm not gay?

No, I don't play to my audience too well. 

I command you to shit!

What is your deal? You give me the snottiest look in the world because I'm walking my dog in a state park without a leash? Fuck you. This is not central Park. I'm not in a city. I'm way out in the fucking sticks. And yet, you have the nerve to give me your shitty attitude because my very well-behaved dog is leashless? You worthless cunt. I hate you. I suppose you want me to hold my friendly dog back away from your angel of a child? Please. If I could command my dog to shit on your shitty kid I would. How dare you think  your worthless child is more deserving of free park land than my dog. Your baby is not the second coming of Christ, okay? Some  errant sperm from your husbands cock wiggled its way into an egg stuck on your uterine wall. What a fucking miracle! Guess what, that little miracle has happened billions of times over millions of years. Your kid is about as significant as a single raindrop. Get over it. Is your kid cute? I guess. Though, compared to my very dear friend's baby, yours looks like an ulcerous herpes sore on a baboon's swollen vagina. So why must I part the red fucking sea for you and "Ashlee?" Ugghh. What a fucking stupid name. Not special at all. Very fitting for your child. Look, while I will never ever understand why you think your daughter is God's gift to this planet, I do understand that you don't want her to get hurt. But just know that I feel the same way about my dog. So when you're talking to another Mommy about how horribly wonderful being a mommy is while you ignore Ahslee as she yanks on my dog's tail, I am going to wish the most hateful shit ever on your kid and maybe even quietly spit in her hair. Watch your child. Teach her to respect animals. Stop thinking your nasty old clam delivered the most precious resource on the planet. And remember that your kid is not more brilliant or cute or special or more deserving of everything the world has to offer than anyone else. Because, chances are, in about 15 years she's going to be urinated on for money.  

No, I'm not too edgy. 

How about this weather?

"How about this weather?"

How about fuck you, Mr. normally-uptight-but-not-today-because-you-made-a-little-money-on-a-call-order-for-tomato-futures-faggot-pinstripe-business-suit-douche-in-the-elevator-trying-to-be-funny? I hope you die of heatstroke. 

No, I'm pleasant to be around. 

The rarest sight you will ever see

Holy fucking shit, everyone look! I've never seen anything like it. It's a broken-down car on the side of the road. Did you see it? Well hells man slow the fuck down so you can take a good goddamn look at it. Take your time, boy. Just make sure you get to git a good look at that broken down car. I wonder if anyone called for help? What happened? Did it overheat? Probably. But maybe there's like a problem with the timing belt. Could be that. Hmmm. What's that? Oh there's a 3-mile, 45-minute back up behind me because I slowed down to a crawl to look at a fucking broken-down car? Who cares, bro? That thing is broken-down as shit! 

Fuck all you fucking retards who made my commute 45 minutes longer than it had to be today. You fucking ignorant cunts. Fuck you all to hell.

No, this was helpful to anyone. 

My liege, I owe you an apology

Dear Spanish Johnny,

Many years ago, you implored me to watch a television program entitled "The Wire." I did. And I was nonplussed. The first season bored me. The second season did too. I reluctantly continued. The third season hooked me in. A good plotline about rival drug gangs and the cops trying to bring them to justice. Then I watched season four. It is arguably the greatest season of television ever broadcast. The plots revolve around politics (the ambitions of a newly-elected mayor) and the lives of four young boys growing up in Baltimore's brutal West-side. I can't say there's been a character on TV I've ever actually truly cared about before. That changed with this season. I actually wound up worrying about these kids. I'd think about them after the show was over. Totally irrational, I know. One kid in particular, "Randy," still preys on my mind. I hope to God I see him next season where his life isn't nearly as shitty as it is now. This is a good kid, people. He reminds me of a young Nobes. Poor, black, anal retentive, growing up in the slums of Baltimore. Life was hard but I made it out. God willing, Randy will too.

Check out this great review of the show (much better than my simplistic nonsense scribblings)

http://www.slate.com/id/2149566/

No, I didn't falsely write that Randy and I were "anal retentive" just so I could put the word anal as one of the labels for this post.

Buckle the fuck up

My predictions for 2008: 

1) Sifting through the garbage cans outside Michael Jackson's home, a member of the paparazzi solves the world's fuel woes by discovering a new energy source created from a concoction not found anywhere else on Earth: semen, dirty diapers, blood and and pre-pubescent boy sweat.  (God that was a long walk for a ham sandwich.)

2) Ryan Adams, the popular singer-songwriter, will alternately annoy and thrill the living shit out of me. 

3) Full-back panties will make a huge comeback (so many puns intended there) after a wildly popular magazine exclusively featuring the underwear design is published and distributed to schoolchildren nationwide. 

4) A fireworks mishap somewhere will mar July 4th celebrations.

5) The economic situation in America worsens to the point where new mothers will have to actually, gasp!, go to work instead of stare at their fucking kids all day thinking of more and more ways to protect them. 

6) A new toy dreamt up by wunderkind, Nobes, called "Monstro™" will sweep the action figure, television and movie industries by storm. 

7) At their tour finale, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band will come out for a 6th encore and play Incident on 57th Street "one last time, for Nobes," moments after Nobes blows his head off because he thought the concert was over. 

8) The democrats will have a Africunt-American ticket when Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton join forces. 

9) I will complete a marathon in October.

10) China will experience a massive 7.9 earthquake that will kill at least 50,000 people and will change the very landscape, creating "quake lakes" that will threaten even more lives. 

Not too prescient.