I am homophobic. That is, if you define homophobia as being deathly afraid that homosexual men don't find you attractive. And of course that is exactly how I define it because I often define things differently than what their true meaning is to suit my comedic purposes. Witness my definition of heterosexual copulation: (verb) the act of a man sitting atop a woman and shitting in her vagina. From the Latin "crapulation." Actually when I was very young my cousin really did tell me that that was how you make love to a woman. Good thing I didn't believe him. Although it might have made for a more satisfying experience for the women in my life as my massive shits easily dwarf the size of my cock on a daily basis.
Anyway, back to me being unable to accept it when gay men don't find me attractive. Normally, this would be fine...IF YOU WERE GAY. But I'm not, so why do I care? I can't explain it. It's just irks me when they don't find me attractive. I know I"m not alone. In fact, I see some guys beaming with pride (yeah, fuckin' gay pride! Woo-hoo, you go girl!!) when the gay guys here in the office tell them they're hot. Of course, when that happens in my presence and I'm not mentioned, I feel a little wounded. WHY? Must I be all things to all people? Perhaps (it would certainly explain this blog). This is a phenomenon (or a homomenon? No? How about a peni-menon? No? How about a fagnomenon? Eh.) that really intrigues me. It makes no sense. I mean I don't find other men attractive, aside from Spanish Johnny and Bruce Springsteen of course. I don't know. I'm hoping my enormous gay following (watch out Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho!!) will tell me why. Actually, I'm begging them to. Once again, I seek the gays' approval. God hates fags? I don't think so. God loves fags because on my blog I am God. So COME ON gay men, ANALyze me. Lube up your typing fingers and spray your cumments all over my face.
Did I mention that I'm not gay?
No, I don't play to my audience too well.
