More of the funniest website of all-time

The site, www.focusonthefamily.com  is a goldmine. The founder, James Dobson, is a fucking crackpot Jesus freak, self-loathing homo who thinks homosexuality is a sinful choice. According to the always reliable and accurate Wikipedia, Dobson is so vehemently against the gay lifestyle that he accused Spongebob Squarepants of being a shill for the homosexual community. Check this out: "In the winter of 2004-2005, the We Are Family Foundation sent American elementary schools approximately 60,000 copies of a free DVD using popular cartoon characters (most notably Sponge Bob) to "promote tolerance and diversity." Dobson contended that "tolerance and diversity" are "buzzwords" that the We Are Family Foundation misused as part of a hidden agenda to promote homosexuality. The New York Times noted Dobson asserting: "tolerance and its first cousin, diversity, 'are almost always buzzwords for homosexual advocacy.'" Umm, guess what, Mr. Dobson? You are fucking gay! You've been denying it your whole life. But you can't fight it when you see those choir boys in your church kneel down and open their mouths for that wafer, huh? At that moment, even at your advanced age, I'm sure your dick gets hard as a fucking rock. I am positive at some point- and probably a lot more than I can even imagine- Dobson has had hardcore gay sex. He will burn in hell, if there is one. Not for being gay, of course, but for denying being gay and for making so many poor fucking kids/adults afraid to come out. And for teaching intolerance and what is essentially gay-bashing. What a fucking dick hole. 

 

Anyway, here's a fun little article on parenting from Dobson's website. Enjoy. 

Are You a Pinocchio Parent?
by Shana Schutte


Do you remember Pinocchio, the little wooden boy carved from a piece of pine by the woodcarver, Geppetto? (Mind you, this article is meant for parents, not children and already it's starting off so fucking condescending.) Even though Pinocchio dreamt of becoming a real boy, there was very little real about him – except that he had a nasty habit of lying. Whenever he lied, his nose grew. If he told a whopper, it grew very long, while a little white lie caused only a little growth. (Of course Dobson loves this story. A little boy made of "wood" whose nose grows? I mean, could it be any more about getting erections?)

According to Dr. Chuck Borsellino (Never trust anyone with that first name) , the author of Pinocchio Parenting (what a gay title) , many adults suffer from Pinocchio's problem. No, they're not blatant liars, and their noses don't grow (No way! Really?), but they use false clichés to teach their kids, which can be problematic.

Before you think you couldn't possibly be a "Pinocchio Parent," check out these four common lies that adults tell their children (One of them is that the Earth was created 4,000 years ago, right?). While people may repeat these untruths at any time, I've broken them down by ages and stages for extra insight. (Ooh, I can't wait for Shana's amazing insight)

Early Stages (0-3)
"Yes, Honey, there is a Santa Claus."

During the Christmas holidays, tiny tots all over the United States (yes, only in the United States, because everywhere else the heathens wait for a giant monkey to deliver their toys)  gather in shopping malls to sit on Santa's lap. Soon, with a little coaching from Mom and Dad, our littlest citizens believe in the magic man in the red hat and long, white flowing beard. (No, instead we must teach them that this holiday about about a magic man with long hair and a white flowing beard who sees you when you sleep and knows when you've been good or bad. And you have to pray to him every Sunday or else he'll make sure you burn in a pit of fire when you die.)

You might be thinking, OK, wait a minute! What's wrong with Santa? He is part of the magic of Christmas. Granted, many people agree that there isn't anything wrong with St. Nick, including Dr. Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family. "I wouldn't take that away from early childhood. My kids loved Santa." (So what's your fucking point, asshole?)

While Dr. Borsellino agrees with Dobson that play and fantasy are a fun (and sexy!) part of childhood, the main lesson parents should glean from Santa is to be "careful telling your kids anything that you'll have to un-tell them later." (Like "mommy and daddy love each other very much" or "Daddies always feed kids with their special milking hose when mommy's boobies dry up.")

Discovery Years (ages 4-7)
"What's on the inside is what matters." (Especially with vaginas)

The first time that Julia came home from middle school crying because her classmates ridiculed her about her "elephant-size" ears, her mother tried to comfort her by saying, "Sweetheart, it's what's on the inside that matters." ("Take mommy, for instance.  I am rotting on the inside because every dream I ever had for myself died when you emerged from my swollen hole. That's when I got a new identity called 'mommy' and I stopped being myself. But it's okay because the role of 'mommy' is so liberating and completely unique to my existence. Hold on, Dear, while I put this gun in my mouth and blow my brains out.")

While this sounds like a good argument because what's on the inside does matter to God, the truth is that we in the United States have a beauty bias. And, according to Borsellino, "We lie [to our kids] when we don't face that." (You know what, I can't argue with this. Damn! If your kid is fugly, you'd better prepare them for the life of abuse, lies and disappointment that awaits them. But first you have to admit your kid is ugly. Come to your fucking senses, people. I know you think your kid is beautiful but, guess what, every parent thinks that. You know that ugly girl in middle school that you made fun of for having a huge forehead? Yeah her mom though she was beautiful. So take a close look at your kid. Think about the odds. Notice how many good looking people you see in a day versus how many ugly fuckers you see. Get the point? The odds are against you and your ugly kid. Best start preparing them now. )

What can a parent do when teens, especially girls, are demoralized by the world's message that you don't matter if you don't look like a movie star? While a parent does not want to emphasize outward appearances, Borsellino believes parents should teach kids to make the most of what God gave them ("accentuate the tits," Borsellino suggested.) . "If the barn door needs painting, paint it," (not too sexually suggestive) he says. We should also eat healthy and exercise to take care of our bodies. Of course, making the most of our outward appearance should never be done at the expense of faith or character. (So no "Cum on Jesus" tattoo above the ass crack?) 

Tween Ages (ages 8-12)
"The best things in life are free."

When your children start to grow, it's natural for you to want to teach them to be grateful. You want them to value the little things in life, right? For this reason, just about every parent tells their kids, "The best things in life are free."

While this may sound good, the question is this: when is the last time you really valued something that was free? (But wait, I'm confused, this seems very un-Christian) It's probably been a long time, or it may have never happened. The truth is that anything that is worth something costs something. It costs courage, dedication, money, sacrifice or relational commitment. (Oh wow, my mind is officially blown! What a twist! This is better than anything that Hitchcock or M. Night Shyamalan could come up with.)

The college graduate who studied for years will tell you they value their diploma. The husband and wife who have worked their way out of a deep marital ditch will tell you that a healthy marriage isn't free. The young pastor who works two jobs to keep his congregation afloat will say that it costs dedication (and a lot of money to settle all those kid raping cases. Damn loud-mouthed little faggots!).

So you see, the truth is that the best things in life aren't free, and according to Dr. Borsellino, "Whatever you earn cheaply, you will also value to the same degree." No doubt, this is a great truth to teach your kids. (And be sure when they ask "mommy, was I free" that you tell them the fucking reality; "No, Billy, you were not free. Mommy had to give up her dreams, her body and her sexuality for you. And Daddy had to give up being attracted to mommy and 10 years off of his retirement and that's why he sees a whore now.") 

Teen Phases (ages 13-18)
"You can be anything you want to be."

When parents want to encourage their teens about finding a career they often say, "You can be anything you want to be." Is it a lie? Absolutely. (And because you've properly trained your children to take everything they see, hear and read literally, like the Bible, 

"The truth is, if you're 4'9 (and white) ," says Borsellino, "you can't play in the NBA."It is also true that we have more opportunities in the United States (if you're white) than just about anywhere else in the world, but no one can be whatever they want. A skilled engineer will probably go crazy trying to write a book, and an artist would most likely go bananas if she had to crunch numbers for a living. Yes, God has given everyone gifts, but no one has every gift. (So- in an effort to encourage and motivate your little cunt kids definitely don't tell them they should "reach for the stars", because that's utter bullshit. How could they possibly reach the stars? They are millions of miles away! Could these Christians be any more literal? Okay, sure, you can't be anything you want in life but should you stop them from trying? I don't think anyone- even the kids who hear that phrase- are taking it literally. But then again, we are talking about Christians here. They think a man turned water into wine and that's a fucking FACT!!!!)

Rather than tell kids they can be whatever they want, Dr. Borsellino suggests that parents ask themselves, "What kind of gifts and talents can I fertilize in my children?" (Wait, say that last sentence again, I want to lube up.)  In other words, how can I encourage growth of the particular gifts, talents and bents that God has placed in each of my children? Parents should also teach their kids to strive for excellence by doing their best with whatever skills and talents God has given them (But what if that talent just happens to be giving the most exquisite blow jobs? What then? I don't mean every day, run-of-the-mill blow jobs. I mean like the best fucking head on the planet. What if that was the one skill your [over 18 years old, you fucking animals!] kid was given? Someone's gotta have it, right? Spanish Johnny?)

Most importantly, Borsellino wants his readers to know that the most dangerous lie is not one we tell our kids, but the one we tell ourselves. It's when we say, "I don’t matter." (Huh? Who the fuck says this?) No doubt, this lie will rob parents who believe it of their ability to parent effectively.

The greatest proof that we do matter is the cross (yes, an instrument of torture and unthinkable pain is all the proof I need.) Through Christ's act of unconditional love, God said, "You mean the world to me, even if the world says you don't matter." (So, why does your faggot doctor infer that saying "I don't matter" is the worst lie of all?) Not only is this one of the greatest truths that parents should embrace, but it's one they can share with their children, at any age or stage. (Yes, definitely try sitting down with your 15 year old and share this with them. I'm sure it will mean so much and make a huge difference in their life.)

By the way, for the record, I am not anti-Christian but I am anti-preaching. Go make sense of that.

Not too evaginacal.

PS> Say "hi" to your mother for me, okay? 

Oh....my....God

These things actually vote? This country is fucked. 

Not too genetically blessed.

"Your cock looks magnificent today."

In the elevator today, I heard - surprise - yet another fucking mundane, predictable conversation. Why do people suddenly become Corky when they get inside an elevator? Here's the conversation two normally intelligent women had. 

GIRL1: It's so gross out today.

GIRL2: I KNOW! 

GIRL1: Uggh, this day can't be over fast enough.

GIRL2: This week has been the longest week ever. 

Now, the irony of me talking about how people are such cliches by using the old, cliched example of elevator chatter is not lost on me. However, I'm writing this blog and you're merely reading it, so suck it. Besides, my point isn't so much what people are saying but what people are not saying. It's too bad we can't say what's really on our minds in elevators (I smell a Seinfeld bit coming on!) . Or anywhere for that matter. So here are a few conversation starters for anyone who wants to be a little less predictable and a little more "real" in an elevator. 

1) "My your cock looks magnificent today." - What fucking guy wouldn't want to hear this compliment? And yes, it would be a compliment. Guys are shallow and insecure (soooo different from the ladies!) and would love to hear this. Which begs the question, why would you gals recoil at someone saying "Your jugs look so fucking good today"? Okay, replace "jugs" with the more sensitive "boobs." Either way you'd probably call the cops. Yet if you said "fuck your package looks sweet" guys would beam with pride. Boy I guess women really are from Venus and men are from Mars. Ha-ha, am I right? Hello? Is anyone still here?

2) "I can see your asshole in those pants."- If a complete stranger said this to me, I would instantly love them. I would also be unable to catch my breath from laughing so hard. 

3) "Oh hi, Janice. Hey, I heard your kid is a faggot." -May be slightly offensive, I guess. 

4) "Have you been reading Mega Superior Gold lately? My god is that guy funny. And hot." - No explanation necessary, just give the Kid a fucking break, okay?

5) "Nothing would make me happier than to punch all of you in the genitals right now." -A great way to get the elevator all to yourself. And people would be talking about it all day. 

6) "This week has been the longest week ever!" - I guess my point is just as retarded as the conversations I speak about. You can't really say that shit out loud. People will look at you funny. And call the cops. It's a shame though. Because elevator rides could be so much more entertaining if people would loosen up and not take everything so seriously.  What a bunch of faggots you all are. 

Not too going nowhere. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- You've got to be kidding me.

RILF

The dumb-as-rocks-ridiculously-under-qualified-hot-piece-of-ass Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, is barring reporters from viewing her first day at international diplomacy sleepaway camp (see story here). So she's hiding from the media because she is terrified they will expose her ineptitude?  That proves just how much of a retard (one that I'd like to fuck, by the way. Not like her son. I'm not attracted to him at all) she is. She's so dumb she doesn't even realize that the news media is more likely report on how pretty she looks and how "normal" she is than talk about her faux pas with Henry Kissinger when she says to him "I thought you'd look more Jewy." 

(Update: The McCain spin masters are now saying that reporters were never banned from the meetings. I guess they were just joshin' around when they sent all of the reporters out of the room, huh? Frankly I'm surprised the media even reported the fact that they were sent out of the room in the first place. I expected instead something like "Fatal Fruit! The true story behind apples. Are your children safe?" 

Not too jewy. 

The funniest website of all-time (part 1)

The website is www.focusonthefamily.com. And I'm not linking it because it really is a despicable site. However, I've combed through all the homophobia and churchy-ness to bring you some highlights. The following is an article from their "Life Challenges" section -aimed at the young 'ens-  about a young man with a propensity for looking at - gasp! - "pictures of naked women." Fuck you preachy assholes. I guarantee the hypochrists who write that site all have way worse shit hidden in their basements. Like dismembered, previously-raped little boy bodies. But I digress. Here's their wonderfully written lesson to the young about pornography. I give you, "I know what you did last night" with my comments in red, obviously.

Ken struggled to adjust to the dorm scene his freshman year. Guys (I can hear the editor now "let's use 'guys' instead of 'men' so we can really appeal to the young kids) dropped by his room all the time, but not to see him. In fact they ignored him as they hung out with his roommate who seemed to be adjusting just fine. Ken hoped to simply get by — going through the motions of college and often bypassing the social scene around him. At this tough time, pictures of naked women seemed to be faithful friends. When he felt lonely or frustrated, he knew exciting images were only a few clicks away on the Internet. The rush they provided dulled the drudgery of sitting in class and the awkwardness of social time between classes.

Ken knew it wasn't right. He struggled with pornography throughout high school and going to a Christian college didn't change things, but he thought it was just a private little habit he'd have to work on. Until his habit was exposed. Some guys on his hall — the same ones he hadn't been able to fit in with — caught him in the act. They spread the word and seemed to enjoy the embarrassment it caused him. (Sounds like some nice Christian kids there.) It made him mad. He denied viewing the porn even though he had been caught. He lost his temper and started pushing people around. When the pushing led to a fight, Ken got kicked out of the dorm. 

And thus ends the compelling parable. That's it? Ha-ha!!!  Ken looked at naked pictures which led to him being kicked out of the dorm. See how porn leads to no good? I couldn't be the fact that he lashed out physically against a gang of bullies that got him kicked out. No, it was the naughty little habit of looking at naked lady pictures. What a bunch of assholes those kids were. The amazing part is, this writer obviously has no problem with theses "guys" publicly humiliating and abusing Ken. In fact, in his eyes, it's something any heathen who looks at porno should expect. What a very Christian, forgiving attitude. But while that's where the story ends, the analysis continues on. They make some really great points in the paragraphs below.

Out from the shadows (oooh, spooky)

Ken's not the only one whose problem is now public — he's part of a trend identified at several Christian college campuses. Sixty-eight percent of the guys surveyed at five religiously affiliated schools recently said they had intentionally looked for porn online.2 In that survey by the National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families (not too biased), 10 percent said they viewed porn frequently and five percent thought they had a problem with it.

The wiring of Christian colleges for Internet over the past few years pushed the issue into public view. School administrators can no longer deny a porn problem when they review logs of campus Internet activity filled with porn sites or watch late night spikes in telecom demand as students plug their modems into dorm room phone jacks. (Unlike the good ol' days when you could completely deny a priest's rape of an innocent boy without a care in the world.) 

Additionally, campus pastors and counselors can't ignore the problem as more and more students come by telling how their old smut habits were accelerated via the convenience and affordability of Internet porn.

Talk about porn on the campus of a state school and students will say, "What's the big deal? It's not hurting anybody." Christian students usually know better. The same survey that looked at porn exposure on campus also asked about attitudes. While a majority of those interviewed had seen porn, they also agreed on three facts: Porn can be addictive, porn hurts relationships, and viewing porn is a sin that damages relationship with God.

So that means a lot of Christian students have a gap between their beliefs about pornography and their behavior. Like Paul, they do the things they don't want to do and are not able to do what they would like to do. Recognizing this gap, many Christian colleges now install filters on their Internet service, but they also go the next step and try to help students do the equivalent of installing a filter on their hearts. "This is a problem that can't be solved with technology (censorship)  alone," says David Tilley, Vice President of Student Life at Lee University in Tennessee. (Lee University, huh? As in Robert E. Lee. What a nice school. Named after a slave owner who fought viciously to keep slavery for all in the South to enjoy. Here are just a few sentences from a letter to his wife in 1856: "The blacks are immeasurably better off here than in Africa, morally, socially & physically. The painful discipline they are undergoing, is necessary for their instruction as a race, & I hope will prepare & lead them to better things."  Well at least he hopes for better things for them. When are we going to hear the point of view form the Vice  President of Student LIfe at Hitler University?)

Lee, along with Taylor, Wheaton, Biola (what a gay name) and several other schools now look to special chapels, accountability groups, and innovative dorm programs to address sexual purity and to provide guys like Ken with a safe place to confess their struggles. (They need a safe place because otherwise students will beat the shit out of them and get them kicked out of their dorms apparently.) Their effort is paying off. During a recent revival at Biola University, several students confessed their Internet porn problem and were finally able to work towards freedom from a lifelong struggle. (Really, a lifelong struggle? They have been battling with their conscience since birth about whether or not to look at pictures of women sticking Coke cans in their vaginas?) 

A Longing for Intimacy

Like those at Biola, many students have discovered that confession can break the cycle of shame driving their porn habit. "What drew me in deeper to pornography was the secrecy, shame, and guilt that is usually associated with it," says Brad* who struggled throughout college. "I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone about my problem, and this began to snowball. The deeper I became involved in pornography, the harder it was to climb out." (No, those quotes don't sound too manufactured.) 

Here's how the cycle works. Whether they recognize it or not, guys like Ken and Brad need relational intimacy — they need for people to know them and like them (so, naturally, they write awful, nasty things on a blog) Early on, however, they realize that relationships can be awkward and complicated (especially when the relationship between them and their trusted family priest turns highly erotic.)  Meanwhile, their needs are still strong and they see that pornography can at least give them some sense of satisfaction without all the complications of human relationships (no argument there.) Now they have a secret — a dirty little habit they don't want anyone to know about. They still need intimacy, but they think, "if anyone knew what I did last night, they wouldn't love me." And so they build walls that make it even harder to be known and loved. (All because they looked a purdy lady privates.)

Guys aren't known for sitting around and talking about an underlying need for intimacy (I don't know about you Christian faggots, but me and my homeboys often discuss the need for intimacy after we kick back with some juice boxes and red vines) . More often they can be found in testosterone-fueled conversations about the more physical aspects of sexuality (kissing, hugging, fisting etc...). But intimacy — that experience of being known and loved — is a powerful need that nevertheless drives sexual desire. That's why the act of intercourse was once described as "being known" (as in "David took her into his tent and knew her.") (So when they say "God knows you", that means he's fucking you?) 

But who is "knowing" anybody when a guy stares at an airbrushed image on a computer screen (hey, "Throat yogurt 11" is NOT fucking airbrushed!) ? The tragedy is that pornography pretends to meet a need for intimacy while systematically making intimacy impossible. In his book, The Centerfold Syndrome, Dr. Gary Brooks (homo) explains that pornography erodes a man’s ability to relate to a woman in an intimate and honest way because it "pays scant attention to [his] needs for sensuality and intimacy while exalting [his] sexual needs."

An image of a woman without her clothes creates sexual excitement, but disconnected from marital closeness (marital only, people! There can be no closeness otherwise!) , it fails to deliver the closeness and oneness that complement visual stimulation. C. S. Lewis paints a great word picture for this in Mere Christianity (more like Queer Christianity) . "You must not isolate [sexual] pleasure and try to get it by itself," he says, "any more than you ought to try to get the pleasures of taste without swallowing and digesting, by chewing things and spitting them out again." (So he's making the case for swallowing over spitting? I'm on board.) 

Worried that his porn habit had damaged his sexual appetite, a student named Tyler* vowed he wouldn't take a porn problem into his marriage. It wasn't easy, though. His commitment required him to fight back years of experiencing sex as a selfish and controlling act through pornography and masturbation (Please, what's wrong with masturbation? I mean, so what if a guy likes to touch a car battery electrodes to his wet taint whilst making an Atlantic Sea Bass ejaculate into his mouth? What's so wrong with that?)  and to replace it with a selfless and intimate view of sex in the context of serving his wife. "Marriage won't cure a porn addiction, so don't wait until then to address it," Tyler says, "It isn't fair to your future wife and it shortchanges the relationship that God has for you."

The notion that intimacy heightens sexuality even made it to the hip and worldly pages of Men's Health magazine (ooh cutting edge!) recently. In a surprisingly critical look at Internet porn surfing, the writer questioned the value of sexual pleasure that is disconnected from a committed and intimate relationship. One of his better quotes comes from Carl, an oceanographer, who says, "It is a constant battle to remind myself, when arousal material is so easily accessed, that to attain a higher level of real sexual fulfillment takes intimacy." 

One concept Men's Health magazine probably won't tackle, however, is the idea that real intimacy begins with God. In a fallen world, anyone who desires to be known deeply ( you mean fucked deeply as per your definition above?) and loved deeply will inevitably be disappointed by his or her relationships. Only God can know you and love you completely. Think about that. He's the only person who sees you around the clock and knows your every thought. He sees all the good things in you that you want the world to see, but He also sees all the bad stuff you want to hide. And remarkably, He loves you unconditionally. (Umm, then what is the fucking problem?) 

In response, God asks that you love the people around you in the same way He loves you. Instead of being focused on having your needs for love and intimacy met by others, God calls you to receive His love ( wow, is that erotic literature or what?) and then focus on loving others. So what it comes down to is this. Pornography promises something like intimacy and then cheats you of real intimacy twice. First it pushes a wedge between you and God — the only one who can know (again, by their definition that is "fucking") and love you completely. And secondly it gets you so focused on your own desires that you are unable to know and love anyone else in an intimate relationship.

C.S. Lewis provides another illustration offering a clear distinction between the brief and counterfeit pleasures of pornography compared with the eternal and abundant promises of intimacy with God. "We are half-hearted creatures," he says, "fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mudpies in the slums ( no, I don't own the xxx DVD release of "Making mudpies in the slums") because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea." His next line is the clincher: "We are far too easily pleased.." (Gay.) 

The scary thing about all of this is that "Focus on the Family" is a very influential group in this country and can influence those who are easily led (ie, Christians) to do whatever they want, so get ready to watch Sarah Palin take the Oath of Office. Yay!!!!!! 

Not too knowed up. 

For BP

This is for BP, the amazingly talented Art Director who created my new logo: 

"My shoes hurt." 

He fuckin' knows what it means. And if any of you had any sense of humor at all, then you would too. But I trust most of you are retarded (like Bob LaMonta's parents) and have never seen this bit of genius from the woefully underrated "Mr. Show": 

Not too strong, like the Hulk.