"Your cock looks magnificent today."

In the elevator today, I heard - surprise - yet another fucking mundane, predictable conversation. Why do people suddenly become Corky when they get inside an elevator? Here's the conversation two normally intelligent women had. 

GIRL1: It's so gross out today.

GIRL2: I KNOW! 

GIRL1: Uggh, this day can't be over fast enough.

GIRL2: This week has been the longest week ever. 

Now, the irony of me talking about how people are such cliches by using the old, cliched example of elevator chatter is not lost on me. However, I'm writing this blog and you're merely reading it, so suck it. Besides, my point isn't so much what people are saying but what people are not saying. It's too bad we can't say what's really on our minds in elevators (I smell a Seinfeld bit coming on!) . Or anywhere for that matter. So here are a few conversation starters for anyone who wants to be a little less predictable and a little more "real" in an elevator. 

1) "My your cock looks magnificent today." - What fucking guy wouldn't want to hear this compliment? And yes, it would be a compliment. Guys are shallow and insecure (soooo different from the ladies!) and would love to hear this. Which begs the question, why would you gals recoil at someone saying "Your jugs look so fucking good today"? Okay, replace "jugs" with the more sensitive "boobs." Either way you'd probably call the cops. Yet if you said "fuck your package looks sweet" guys would beam with pride. Boy I guess women really are from Venus and men are from Mars. Ha-ha, am I right? Hello? Is anyone still here?

2) "I can see your asshole in those pants."- If a complete stranger said this to me, I would instantly love them. I would also be unable to catch my breath from laughing so hard. 

3) "Oh hi, Janice. Hey, I heard your kid is a faggot." -May be slightly offensive, I guess. 

4) "Have you been reading Mega Superior Gold lately? My god is that guy funny. And hot." - No explanation necessary, just give the Kid a fucking break, okay?

5) "Nothing would make me happier than to punch all of you in the genitals right now." -A great way to get the elevator all to yourself. And people would be talking about it all day. 

6) "This week has been the longest week ever!" - I guess my point is just as retarded as the conversations I speak about. You can't really say that shit out loud. People will look at you funny. And call the cops. It's a shame though. Because elevator rides could be so much more entertaining if people would loosen up and not take everything so seriously.  What a bunch of faggots you all are. 

Not too going nowhere. 

I want to cut your balls off and staple them to your wife's face.

Wow, it's beautiful up here, isn't it? Such a nice summer evening. There's a slightly cool sea-breeze blowing as we wait to watch the sun drop beyond the horizon. I've got an ice-cold beer that's going down well. How's your wine? It's good, right? Man, it's so peaceful up here. Just listen to the birds. And the waves crashing along the rocky shore in the distance. 

MOLLY: HEY, DAD LOOK AT ME!!!!! DAD, DAD, DAD, LOOK!!!!!

Oh fuck, here we go again. You've got to be kidding me. Why can't we ever watch the sun set without  some fucking family of assticles (yes that's ass and testicles combined) intruding?

MOM: Shhh, Molly! 

MOLLY: DAD!!! DAD!!!!!!!! CAN I GO OVER HERE? OR HERE? OR HOW ABOUT HERE?

Mom does nothing more. In her mind, she tried. She think she did what social etiquette calls for. She asked her kid to be quiet, what more can she do? Fucking lazy cunt. Now she just sits there and ignores her kids, as usual. Most parents these days either ignore their kids or try to act like they are their best fucking friends. None of them act like parents. It's pathetic. (Note: remind me to get back to that subject some day, I'll write a diatribe that will make your head come out of your urethra!) So Mom does nothing, as I was saying. She stares at the sunset dreaming of a life she wishes she had. God knows what that could be. Knitting on a yacht in San Tropez?A shoe buyer for the rich and famous?  Sucking 7 dicks at once? Who knows? All I know is that it's not disciplining her dickwart kids right now. She knows how shitty her family has made this sunset for everyone else who- up until now- was enjoying this quiet, peaceful moment. So why not take the family somewhere else? Why not say "you know what guys, let's go"? Ooh no, God forbid her kids miss a sunset that they don't give a shit about in the first place? But you wanna know the real reason why? It's so she can go back home and tell her friends that "we took the kids to watch the sunset one evening. It was so beautiful. They really loved it." YOU LYING FUCKING WHORE!!!!!! Her vagina should be sewn shut with barbed wire, I think to myself as I watch the sun slip further into oblivion. 

DAD: KIDS, KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED FOR THE GREEN FLASH. I SAW IT ONCE, YOU KNOW.  

Oh my fucking God, are you kidding me? Oooh, Dad, enthrall us with your acumen on all things celestial and heavenly. You think that's something so incredibly rare? Then why the fuck does every guy who comes up here talk about the fucking green flash? Gentle reader, next time you are watching a sunset and there are others around, just listen. I guaranfuckingtee you will hear some guy talk about the green flash. It's uncanny. And it's so old. I'm so tired of hearing it. If you're one of those assholes who mention the green flash at every sunset, I want you to know that I want to cut your balls off and staple them to your wife's face. 

Don't believe me about the green flash-holes? Check out the video this stupid cunt made where she films the supposed green flash. Oh and, of course, she talks about it the entire time. Like it's some mystical fucking once-in-a-lifetime experience. I got an idea, how about instead of blathering on about the green flash you do something really novel and just WATCH the fucking sunset. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHIdF3170Wo

A LITTLE BACK-STORY:  

For the past 15 years my wife and I have been going to an island off the coast of Massachusetts for vacation. On said vacations, we've had the pleasure of witnessing many sunsets from the island's highest peak. However, of the about 45 sunsets I've witnessed from this spot, at least 40 of them have been ruined by some asshole who thinks he's so fucking brilliant because he knows about "the green flash." What's that, you don know about the green flash? Learn more about this fucking phenomenon here: 

http://durhamregion.typepad.com/astronomy/2006/06/the_mysterious_.html

Not too unworthy...ooh wow, did you see the green flash??!!!... of anyone's attention.