Now Judge, I know this is gonna sound kinda wild, but...

Good morning, faggots. Just wanted to let you know that I apologize for being absent for so long from my beloved blog. I know you can hardly start your pathetic days without my vitriolic prose. Well you're gonna have to wait a little longer. I am currently on jury duty and in a trial. In fucking Worcester, MA. And this town is 100% guilty of being a shithole. Just awful. When the trial is over (Thursday or Friday) I will tell you all about my wonderful time here in the stinking asshole of America. Until then, I thank you for your patience.  

No, I'm sure anyone other than Spanish Johnny understood that Bruce reference in my headline. No, Spanish Johnny isn't the only person who reads this blog anyway. No, Bruce-related humor isn't the highest form of humor that can be achieved by mortals. 

Feces

A pile of horse shit

A pile of dog shit

A pile of rabbit shit

A pile of worthless shit

Not too shitty.

Pussy, cat

The following is a copy of an e-mail I sent out the other day: 

Well, sadly, we had to come back from vacation a day early to put our beloved cat, Snow, to sleep. She was 18 years old and her health had declined drastically in the past few days. She had kidney failure, anemia, a heart murmur and a tumor on her pancreas (which we never tested because she was too old to do anything about it even if it were cancerous). So it could've been any of of those maladies that overtook her in the end. The doctors actually thought it might have been a blood clot. Whatever the cause of her sudden decline no longer matters I suppose. What does matter is that she had an amazing 17 years with us. She made life around here a little more fun as she was always sleeping in the oddest of places and loved to be goofy. She moved with us from Maryland to Atlanta to Pennsylvania to Massachussetts. She even miraculously survived a 3-story fall off our balcony in Maryland without so much as a scratch! She was amazing. Snowy was a very social cat and you guys all probably met her at one point. I was very, very close with her. Every night for about 5 years she would climb up on our bed (sorry, mom I know you hate pets in the bed!) and sleep with her head resting on my forearm all night. Many times I'd wake up with an extremely stiff and sore arm because I couldn't move it all night. Well today, when the doctor gently put her to sleep, Snowy laid her head right on my forearm again and drifted off peacefully and beautifully. Kary and I will profoundly miss her.

Not too heartbreaking and revealing and open for undue ridicule.