The HypoChrists

The amazing website "Focus on the Family" has done it again. They have shown me the light!! Here are their thoughts on how greedy corporations utilize questionable marketing strategies to get your kids to buy their products. Hmmm, I smell some serious hypocritical shit coming on. I now present to you their words verbatim.  My comments are in red, obviously. 

Marketing Strategies. 

Advertisers know the possible long-term benefits of marketing to kids. Here are several of their strategies (which we employ, embrace and fully abuse in the Catholic church)

Corporations research kids’ fantasies, artwork and behavior to understand what techniques will best affect them. (Yeah, that's how you market shit, dickweeds. Why does Focus on the Family try to make this practice seem so insidious? Like marketers are violating your children's rights. Oh wait, that's right, only their priests can do that with their touchy-feely hands and mouths. What the fuck?)

Children like to collect things. Some notable companies have capitalized on this by making a variety of products and then convincing kids that they have to obtain them all. Pokémon and Ty Beanie Babies are two corporations who have been especially good at this technique. (Ummm, maybe you should look within your own web store, Focus on the Family. )

Toy companies personify their stuffed animals and dolls, giving them names and birthdays. (December 25th anyone?) This strategy allows kids to connect with their toys as if they were real. (Not at all like the "Armor of God" bear they sell. See photo below)

Clubs for kids are a great way of gaining brand loyalty because children enjoy feeling like they belong. Examples of such clubs include Disney, Burger King, MTV (Church school) and Nickelodeon. Kids are exposed constantly to advertising at school. (But never at Church. No, we would never do that. Oh by the way, have you seen the posters in the hall encouraging you to go to our institute? Yeah, ignore those.) 

“Kidfluence” or “pester power” — marketing lingo encourages kids to influence their parents’ spending. (Pssst, kids. Check out "Holy Land" in Orlando!) 

“Buzz marketing” or “street marketing” refers to companies’ efforts to get popular kids in a neighborhood to wear or use their products, thus automatically making their merchandise fashionable. (But not like this WWJD bracelet we sell)

“Cross-selling” is when two or more companies advertise each other’s products to reach a broader audience. For example, Burger King made a deal with the makers of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Before the movie came out, Burger King promoted the characters. In return, Burger King was included in the movie. Cross-selling is a more complicated version of licensing. (VeggieTales anyone?)

Marketers of teen movies and video games pursue children by advertising violent action toys.

Although kids aren’t supposed to be allowed to watch them, PG-13 and R-rated movies are marketed directly to children under 17. (Thank goodness there's no violence or sex in the Bible.) 

The "Armor of God" bear (available on the Focus on the Family web store ) includes "a parents' guide to help introduce and reinforce Christian values. Recommended for ages 3 and up." Enough said.

Oh and just in case you think I'm unfairly picking on this wonderful organization that only wants to help people become better human beings, check this article out, yo!

Not too going to Hell. 

Ah Patriots' Day. When a young man's thoughts turn to freedom, liberty and kicking children in the face.

Any child who is afraid of dogs should be kicked in the face with steel-tipped boots. That way, instead of cute little dogs, it will be humans (and boots) that will paralyze them with fear. Which makes sense because dogs are friendly about 95% of the time, whereas humans are friendly about 70% of the time, conservatively. So naturally, your queer little kid should be taught to fear humans, not dogs. Next time your kid cries when he sees a friendly dog approach tell him to stop being such a fucking pussy. Don't coddle him and make it think this extremely gay behavior is okay. If that fails, kick him in the face. You'll be doing all of us a favor. 

Not too patrioty

The most condescending interview of all-time.

The fucking furor over this woman's performance is ridiculous. If she wasn't a hideous troll, Diane Sawyer wouldn't even be interviewing her, Simon Cowell wouldn't be raising his eyebrows at her, and that hot little bitch judge certainly wouldn't be doing that "oh my God!" face. I love how that blond cunt looks at her like "how could this be? How could she be talented in any way? She's ugly!" (see clip below) 

What the fuck is wrong with this world? Why is everyone so amazed that Susan Boyle has a beautiful singing voice? Because she's ugly? It's so fucking demeaning. Of course she can have talent. She's just like anyone else. Just a lot, well, more disturbing to look at. But the masses eat it up. They think they are being nice. It's this false niceness that is totally selfish and only serves to make the person acting "generous" feel better. The fact that a daily news show is even doing a story on this woman is so unbelievably pathetic. Then again so is the fact that I call Good Morning America a "daily news show." But still not as pathetic as the people who think they are being so bighearted by accepting- nay, praising- her. Did you hear that audience cheering like she just queefed out the Star Spangled Banner (what, you wouldn't cheer madly for that?) after she sang one friggin' note? Of course, I'm not naive, I'm pretty sure the producers added in that ridiculously over-enthusiastic cheering sound extra early in her performance. But the shots of the audience still tell a tale. They really pity Susan Boyle but are so afraid of their feelings that they then over-compensate to the point of embarrassment. It's like all these fucking condescending Christians who go to cancer wards in hospitals and talk about the glory of heaven with kids who are staring death in the face. You think your little made up fairy tale about a kingdom in the clouds is gonna cheer those kids up? Fuck you. And to all those people who look at Susan Boyle and say "awww, she's so talented. Isn't that great?" Fuck you too. You are all uglier on the inside than she will ever be on her fat, hideous, God-awful outside. 

Not too goblin-y

You fat fucking fuck!

When I, as a licensed driver of a motor vehicle, give you permission to cross the street in front of my car, you'd damn fucking well better make a God damned effort to do it in a timely fashion. Don't you dare stroll like it's your God-given right. Move your fat fucking ass now, you filthy pig! Don't dawdle (in your case, waddle) and check your e-mail on your faggoty-assed PDA. Just cross the street quickly, okay? Okay, thank you. You fat tub of useless shit. 

                                                                                          

(Note: this is not the fat fucking whore who 

lumbered across the street this morning but 

it is a close facsimile)                                                                                                                                                                                              

              

Not too faggoty. 

What's up, faggots? I'm back!!!!

Discuss. 

Not too typical of a Sunday afternoon at my house. 

Wow. Does this prove how fucking dumb NASCAR fans (and republicans) are or what?

April Fooled: NASCAR Hoax Causes Web Frenzy
by Claudine Zap
April 1, 2009 03:05:41 PM

Sure, April Fools' Day comes but once a year, and some silly stories have been making the rounds. (Stairmasters in the NYC subway? Brad and Angelina married? Really? No.) But one thing is now clear: Keep the jokes away from NASCAR.

All Car and Driver magazine tried to do was drive a little levity into the auto industry bailout with a prank. The serious publication ran a joke story that announced that Obama had ordered Chevrolet and Dodge out of NASCAR if they wanted to keep their federal funds. For a brief web-fueled moment, NASCAR fans had to imagine a future of cheering on Japanese cars. Or worse, French ones. The horror.

Immediately, the Internet went crazy, with searches on "obama nascar" accelerating in Search and zooming across Twitter. Although the story was clearly marked a hoax, Car and Driver eventually pulled the fake story and apologized for going "too far."

Not to worry, NASCAR fans: Nobody's pulling out of NASCAR. Yet. As Automobile magazine's blog noted nervously, "Let's just hope that the auto task force doesn't read this and get any ideas."

Wow. You fucking retarded fucks. NASCAR could not be a bigger waste of time and money. I hope you all die in NASty CAR accidents. Tee-hee.

Why won't this fucking bitch release this song?

First of all, this ad blows. I only want you to listen to the song. Fucking sweet, right? Well, this whore, Cat Power- whose real name is Chan (pronounced "Shawn." Not too annoying and pretentious) Marshall- has a beautiful, sultry voice, writes amazing original songs and does brilliant covers of songs. She also happens to be a stubborn cunt. She did this incredible version of David Bowie's "Space Oddity" and now won't release it for her fans to enjoy. What an asshole. 

In vitriol

I was on the elevator this morning and there was this "guy" who was talking to two co-workers (also men, sort-of) about "the baby." He spoke of how his baby boy and his daughter sleep in the same room so when the baby cries he wakes up the daughter and she gets nervous when she hears the baby cry so he and his wife try to calm her down as they're trying to also calm the baby dow.....oh Jesus, just shut the fuck up already!! The fact that I know that much about your kids now makes me sick to my stomach. And the two co-workers who sat there and empathized like middle-aged women sitting around a table playing Canasta are equally as nauseating. Each one waiting to jump into the conversation with his own "well my kid..." horror story. What a bunch of fags. Seriously. No one - and I mean no fucking one- wants to hear you complain and/or even talk about your kids. You are not allowed to complain about the fucking choice that YOU made, okay? You are the asshole who in all likelihood entered into parenthood without the proper amount of thought an enormous decision like that requires. You don't just become a parent because "all my life I've just wanted a family." It's so much bigger than that. I can't believe how many of you assholes don't even consider the unbelievable upheaval in your life having child creates. Unfortunately, many of you douchefucks think choosing to have a baby is like choosing a jar of raspberry preserves. That's right, I went with raspberry, spelled the proper way, thank you. Oh, I could've gone with apricot or even apple butter but I fucking chose raspberry. Probably put more thought into that decision than you did about having a child. It's amazing. I bet overall -if such a thing could be measured- people in this country put more thought into having abortions (raspberry jelly anyone?) than they do into actually having kids. And I don't mean that anyone having kids should consider abortion first. I mean, for those who want an abortion, it seems more thought goes into that decision than other people who want kids put into that decision. My point is not that people should carelessly choose abortion, of course. It's that having a baby is so much of a bigger decision than not having one. But no one sees it that way. They see having a child as a right of passage or as a biological imperative. It's not. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. It's like you need a license to buy a dog. Or drive a car. Hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father...wait, did I just paraphrase a Keanu Reeves character? Fuck yeah, I did. Check in next week when I ponder the benefits of suicide on society and I quote Reeves from "A walk in the clouds." Anyway, back to you and your shitty decision-making ass, Mr. Whiny Fuck in the elevator. You see, I have no sympathy for you. You chose to have kids. And no matter how you arrived at that decision whether it was through years of thoughtful contemplation or just because your wife wanted to have them and you were too much of a pussy to tell her otherwise, I feel you need to live quietly with your decision. Embrace it even. Yes embrace it. These are your kids after all. And if it's true that, as you so frequently tell the world - often just before you complain about them-,  "I love my kids and I would do anything for them......" then do them this one fucking favor, don't complain about them. If you love them, don't talk about how miserable they make you all the time.Easier said than done? Fuck you. It's easy to choose whether or not to complain. I make that choice every day on this gay fucking blog. I choose, of course, to complain. Loudly. And believe me, as someone who does not have kids, I know I can never understand what it's like. I get that. However, what I do understand is that 90% of the conversations I hear (and overhear) between parents are ones in which the common theme is complaining about how hard it is to have kids. Did you think it would be easy? Oh that's right, you didn't really think about it at all, did you? My bad, I forgot. 

Of course, the other 10% of conversations between parents involve bragging about their kids. Do you even listen to yourselves? Do you know how stupid and unoriginal you sound? It seems these days every child born is a bona-fide genius. In fact, I can't wait until the year 2025 when all these geniuses start curing cancer, inventing time-travel machines and creating sexy robots that look like real people but just fuck you 24 hours a day. I mean how could these kids not achieve monumental greatness when they could actually tell the difference between a blue crayon and a purple one at just 26 months!! Oh its going be glorious when these kids grow up. Thank you parents for bestowing this world with your little miracles. But I digress. This bragging that parents do, while being pretty annoying, is at least loving in a way. Though usually it's more for the parents' benefit than it is for the children's. It's more "see what an amazing child I have raised" than it is "see what amazing person he/she is." So everyone please stop bragging about your fucking kid too. Okay, yes, if your kid made the dining room table levitate then I might want to hear about it. Maybe. But I really don't want to be put in the awkward position of trying to act impressed when you tell me how brilliant your child is because at age four she legibly wrote "daddy's penis hurts me" in poo on the wall of her bedroom. Actually, if your kid writes that, please do tell me. Not because I'd enjoy it but, rather, because I'm actually the President of the Wall Shit Writers of America (the WSW for those in the know) and we're looking for new members no matter the age. But spare me when your kid does actually shit in the toilet, okay? It's not a monumental occasion for anyone other than you. And you know why it is for you? Because you have no fucking semblance of a life anymore. That kid is your life now. But hey, that's your choice. Good one. Enjoy that shit. Literally. 

PS> For all of my close friends who are reading this please note this post does not apply to you. You are all the greatest parents of all-time. And I think all of your kids are the most brilliant, creative, talented, intellectual kids I've ever known. In fact your kid - or kids - are better than anyone else's I know, including all our other friends. But don't tell them I said that. 

Not too abortiony. 

Not too born out of my wanting caring, thoughtful parents of my own. 

This is one of the images that was presented to me when I searched for "corporate man" on Google Images.

Yeah, that seems pretty accurate. 

Not too similar to Spanish Johnny's Fuck Muschi Shemale Anal Dildo Old Granny Nude Gallery Sarah Panty Madness Finger Girl Chilenas Desnudas Mujeres post. 

Fuck you all! (except for my beloved Spanish Johnny)

Fuck 'Em, Suck 'Em Robots was a genius idea. 

You all are a bunch of fucking homos. 

Again, except for you Spanish Johnny. 

This will blow your mind out your ass.

This is more bizarre than yesterday's post about women who literally fall in love with inanimate objects. 

This fucking piece of shit has kids????? Fucking kids??? Some woman banged him??? Holy fuck.

It's fairly obvious that these people need serious help. I am shocked, however, by how "normal" they seem. I mean, I figured that if anyone was gonna be fucking animals they would either be completely strung out on drugs and doing it on film for money, or 100% drooling Down's Syndrome retarded. 

In this next clip, listen to the stunning story of how these women lost her "virginity" to dogs. No, I don't mean "dogs" like guys who are sleazy. I mean four-fucking-legged canines (I wonder if they do a canine sixty nine?). But the most amazing thing is how blasé they are about all of this. I mean, these two crazy cunts are in the kitchen cooking and talking about getting fucked by dogs with a casual tone that's more well-suited for a conversation about how their kids are doing in school. And the documentarian is a genius because he/she keeps focusing tight on the food this disgusting woman is preparing, making the point, I think, that it's quite ironic how she loves animals so much she fucks them but still eats meat. After seeing this, I don't think I can ever eat meatloaf or meatballs again. 

How much freakier can they get? Do you think the animal sex will become kinda routine to them after a while, like in any normal human-to-human relationship? Do they introduce role-playing? "Ooh tonight I'll be the mail carrier!" What about toys? Can't you just see one of these hideous women masturbating in front of her dog with a "Daily Growl?" (couldn't find a picture of the classic "Daily Growl" toy so the "Daily Rover" will have to do.)  

How can you possibly take it up a notch when you are already at the brink of sexual insanity? I wonder if there are people in the zoophile world - as there are in the human-to-human sexual realm- that are considered perverts. People who disgust even those who fuck dogs and horses. Like are there people who get shit and pissed on by their pet lovers? And are the more traditional zoophiles disgusted by this? What about the animal you choose? Dogs and horses seem to be okay but what if you banged an ostrich or a fish? Would you be shunned for such aberrant behavior? And just how far down the food chain do these people go? Is there a woman who gets off by coating the inside of her vahighna with sugar and waiting for a long line of ants to march on in? If only I was a documentarian. I would've asked all those questions. But I assume the answer to that last question is a resounding yes because what all of this seems to prove is that no matter what fucked up, insane sexual practice you can possibly dream up there is at least one person who is wholeheartedly into it. It's almost like if you took some of those poetry magnets and printed sexual acts and a bunch of random objects/animals on them and arranged them haphazardly, you'd find one person who would be like "Fuck yeah I love jacking off my South American six-toed tree frog onto an english muffin that was stuffed inside a dirty urinal for 6 months and eating it, you gotta fucking problem with that?" 

Not too human conditiony. 

"I want your fluids! I want your fluids!"

Buckle the fuck up, people.

I heard about this on Howard Stern this morning. It's really hard to believe it's for real. 

A better clip (which I could not embed for some reason) can be seen here. Truly fascinating and very, very sad. 

No, you're not too in love with my blog. 

Awesomest idea ever. Don't fucking steal it.

Let it be known that today I am sharing with the world one of my most awesomest ideas ever. Are you ready? So you're familiar with the old "Rock 'em, Sock 'em Robots" toy of the late 70's right? Well that shit's outdated. I now give you..........

....Fuck 'em Suck 'em robots™. 

I only have the name, actually. I'll leave the rest up to the engineers, but I envision robots that fuck and suck each other. Or you. Either way, it's gold, Jerry, gold! Second only is my soon-to- be-seen-in-every-family-gameroom board game: Monopolygamy™. 

Not too fucky sucky

Actually, I wish more parents would do this.

God bless the fail blog. 

Not too faily. 

Okay I want my money back now please.

I was alerted to "Bird Breath" by the Christian Humor website, a place where all good Christians can go to have a hearty ol' laugh. Lord knows they can't go to the abortion clinics where I go for a chuckle. Anyway, according to the Bird Breath (and let's face it, that title alone is PURE hilarity) website "BirdBreath is a light hearted satire. It offers a unique perspective that is guaranteed to make you laugh." Guaranteed? Well, here's just one hilarious example of Bird Breath's "humor."

Um, what the fuck is that? I've seen funnier, more unique perspectives on the nutrition labels of soup cans. If this motherfucker is making money off of this (and isn't that what being a Christian is all about?) my head is going to explode. Here's one more example of the genius of Bird Breath. 

Not too unfunny (this post, not the Bird Breath cartoons)